Miller Monday – Saving the World, One Loser at a Time

April 27, 2007 at 4:32 pm 8 comments

Yesterday, my curiosity got the best of me.  I have been toying with the idea of trading in my loyal 2001 Nissan Sentra for some time, and having some time to kill I decided to check out my local Toyota dealership.  Little did I know I was about to venture into very dangerous territory.  I was immediately greeted by a salesman named Scott.  Now even if I were able to ignore his shaved head, earrings, and a visible wrist tattoo (tribal design – nuff said), Scott would still not be the type of individual with whom I would associate, let alone accept car advice.  I congenially extended my hand at his offer (although later I literally baptized it twice with hand sanitizer) and greeted him with my name and intention of only checking out what was available.  Apparently to Scott, this meant that I am the perfect candidate for a hybrid car.  Scott then gave me his 50 cent sales pitch which went on to cover the fact that hybrids get great gas mileage and the fact that you can drive solo in the car pool lane.  Both great things.  Unfortunately Scott lost me with his attempt at convincing me that I was saving the planet by buying his ugly car.  He claimed that buying a hybrid is our ‘eco-responsibility’.  I think what Scott was implying was that that if I was to buy his strange looking Toyota Prius, that not only would I be a savvy consumer, but I would be a great humanitarian.  Scott was appealing to my smug inner nature.  “Wow Scott, do you mean that if I buy your car, I am a national hero?  Can I pat myself on the back?  If I buy your car, can I be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize?”  Unfortunately for Scott, what he failed to realize, is that I LOVE global warming.

How can I not?

Correct me if I am wrong, but geologically speaking, haven’t we just emerged from an ice age?  A friggin’ ice age, people!  Do you have any idea how cold an ice age is? Let me get this straight, I’m supposed to stop using gasoline, only buy recycled paper, and wipe with one square of toilet paper per day, and then after all doing all of that, I get to wear a parka to bed.  No thank you. 

Can you imagine what it must have been like for our ancestors marching along on the frozen tundra, spearing wooly mammoths, just trying to get warm?  I gladly thank Fred Flintstone for firing up the old BBQ and releasing some carbon based pollution into our atmosphere.  If it wasn’t for our frozen cavemen ancestors we would be eating snow cones for breakfast lunch and dinner.  This brings me to another point;

Question Number 1:  How many fruits and vegetables like to grow in cold icy climates?

Answer: NONE.

Question Number 2: How many fruits and vegetables like to grow in hot temperate climates? 

Answer: Only the most tasty and delicious ones!

I guess what I am saying is that when faced with the alternative Global Warming is heavenly!  There is a reason that I live in California and not in
Antarctica!  For those of you who want to keep the planet nice and cold, I advise that you move to
Canada.  We’ve seen what excessive cold has done to those people.  I only pray that the bitter cold doesn’t do the same to you.

In conclusion, you may be asking yourself, well, did you buy the car, or didn’t you?  The answer is no.  I am now looking for something that guzzles a lot more gasoline.  I leave saving the world up to hippies like Scott with his goatee, piercing and tats.  It’s funny that the same people who treat their body like a bathroom stall at Kentucky Fried Chicken feel the moral capacity to advise me on saving the planet.  Go figure.

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lindsay  |  April 27, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    I live in Chicago–I’m ALL for global warming. Infact, algore’s blather actually tips me in favor of wanting to crank up the air, leave my lights on all day, and drive a guzzler. No ugly Prius for me!

    Reply
  • 2. Meldred  |  April 28, 2007 at 2:44 am

    I just moved to Canada (not because I like the cold) and get this: the Canadian government is actually trying to reduce greenhouse emissions up here. The Canadians I roll with don’t understand. Do they actually like 10 months of winter? I say let’s just keep our cars running all night and run around squirting hair spray into the atmosphere. Anything to get me into shorts for at least three months.

    Reply
  • 3. JL  |  April 28, 2007 at 8:22 pm

    This post reminded me of “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming and Environmentalism.” The blurb from the Heritage Foundation reads:

    For decades, environmentalism has been the Left’s best excuse for increasing government control over our actions. It’s for Mother Earth! It’s for the children! It’s for the whales! But until now, the doomsday-scenario environmental scares haven’t been large enough to justify the lifestyle restrictions they want to impose. Manipulation of “global warming,” however, is the ideal scare campaign for those who hate capitalism and love big government. Horner posits that the massive global warming hysteria reveals the full anti-American, anti-capitalist, and anti-human agenda of today’s environmentalists.

    Reply
  • 4. lemare  |  April 29, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Last night on CBS Chicago news, they gave the other viewpoint of global warming and I had two favorite parts:

    1. The climate expert from MIT (is there anyone more qualified, really?) saying that the whole concept of global warming is ridiculous and we are NOT facing a crisis.

    2. Some guy talking about how warmer winters in Chicago are good for the economy (construction, etc).

    I close with two words: DRILL ALASKA!

    Reply
  • 5. Lowdogg  |  April 29, 2007 at 1:21 pm

    I think this is one of my favourite posts. Unfortunately for JDon, he lives in the most environmentally ridiculous state in the Union.

    Didn’t the attorney general of Cali file suit against automakers because their cars produce Carbon dioxide. Moron doesn’t realize that man produces a tiny fraction of all worldwide CO2 output in a given year.

    DRILL THE GULF OF MEXICO!

    Reply
  • 6. Jen  |  April 29, 2007 at 11:16 pm

    Guys – global warming is for real. How dare you sluff off your responsibility to treat our earth with reverence and stewardship. We should be more like the Chinese (oh wait, they just passed us on the pollution poll to number one), and more carbon neutral like al gore (oh wait, that would bankrupt me trying to pay for 20x my utilities), and more accepting of totalitarian rule and dictatorship (oh wait, its not called that when its communism, then its called empowering the people).

    For you BVD fans, check out our blog for a new post on the memories and trying to keep them alive.

    T Russell

    Reply
  • 7. TRussell  |  April 30, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1720024.ece

    What a great source of evidence!

    Reply
  • 8. IRF Weekly Wrap-Up « In Rare Form  |  May 26, 2007 at 9:28 pm

    [...] blog was founded upon the principles of entertaining ourselves and others, we also wanted it to educate, uplift, amuse and perchance enlighten our readers. LeMare fulfilled our mission single-handedly on [...]

    Reply

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