Miller Monday – A Call to Arms
Last Monday was not a Miller Monday. There was no posting. But come on, you had to see that coming, right? I mean, you knew when you decided to actually read my postings that I was bound to disappoint you once in a while. I’m sure that those of you who know me best were not the least surprised. Today is a Miller Monday (Tuesday) and today I want to sidestep a very serious prominent controversial issue and talk about something even more controversial.
There has been much debate over the war in Iraq. Today most of the debate is centered on the question over whether or not we should we have gone into Iraq in the first place? It’s a really super great question and everything, but unfortunately for now, it’s irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, I think questions like the above make fascinating dinner conversation. Unfortunately, it carries the same relevance as should I have eaten that last piece of pecan pie last night? I don’t really care if you think that we should have or should not have gone into Iraq at all. The question is what to do now. How you feel about whether or not we should have gone into Iraq should not color how you answer the question of what to do about it.
Rather than simply rain on your socially progressive parade, I have come with good news. I have a solution. I can appease both the left and the right. I can end the war right now, and I can end it victorious. I can take care of all the insurgents in Iraq and I can make sure that there are no more American casualties. Come on people, are you with me? I said ARE YOU WITH ME?
I think the first step (to appease the left) is to withdraw all of our troops. That is, withdraw them onto aircraft carriers and other naval battle stations. We could give them all hugs (this would also appease the left). Then we give them all super killer missile launchers, laser guided missiles, and super nasty body armor (this would appease the right).
The second step is to begin a massive air bombing campaign that levels pretty much the entire country. This will definitely appease the right and really upset all of the left but we will take care of that later. People, what kind of war are we currently waging? Maybe it’s due to the fact that I had a healthy obsession with GI Joes as a child, but my concept of war is much more blitzkrieg than what is happening right now. We are so friggin’ scared of killing any civilians that it is frightening. I’m sorry; you can’t make an omelet without first breaking some eggs. We need to move to the offensive. We need to blow the living crap out of Iraq. We need to send a strong message that we will not put up with their nonsense. To me this is the definition of war. Routine sweeps of insurgent booby traps is not war. War is much bloodier. There will be massive civilian casualties but it will prevent even more death and bloodshed in the future. Once the country is leveled we send our troops back in to weed out any losers that might have survived. This is how we won WWI and WWII. Need I remind you the outcome? We didn’t use this technique in Vietnam. Need I remind you of the outcome there? We then repeat this type of technique with any other nation stupid enough to challenge us.
You might think that step two is a little too much right wing and a not enough left. Well that is where step three comes in. When the insurgents beg for mercy we allow all of the hippies to give them hugs before our soldiers shoot them dead. It’s a total win win. I have tried to avoid partisan politics in my campaign for a victory in Iraq. Not only that, I feel that if we give up now we are no better than the French, and don’t get me going on the French. More importantly if we run away we are only inviting more trouble in the future. We need a victory and that will only be assured by actually waging war in Iraq. I need your votes. I can’t do this alone. So what do you say? Are you with me? Will you help me blow up Iraq?
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