Miller Monday – Relativity Disproven
Even as a small child I knew that I was different from everybody else. I have always struggled with the heaviness of the mantle of my calling. It’s a burden that not many people would elect for themselves or loved one. It certainly has not been easy. You see, I have a keen perception of what is funny, and conversely what isn’t. Tragic experience has only proven that a large portion of the general public may be missing this essential skill.
Contrary to public opinion, humor is not relative. Humor is an absolute. Some movies are quite funny. Some movies, however, are not. To me, this is not even a debatable point. Some people may think that humor is much like acquired taste ~ for example, I prefer chocolate ice cream, you prefer vanilla, but humor is not like that. Humor could be measured on 10-scale. Some things measure up near the 10 mark (Waiting For Guffman, Arrested Development), while others fall somewhat short of the Mendoza line. I’m sorry this may be mind blowing to some, but it is something I have always known, and its time that you knew too.
I can distinctly remember many years ago, being a lad of only 9 or 10 years old, and hanging out with a close family friend (whose name will be withheld). After driving his mother insane for several hours, my friend’s dear mother volunteered to pay us to go and see a movie. Now to a 10 year old, you can only imagine how this proposition sounded. The only problem was that my friend began pressuring me to do something that I felt rather uncomfortable with. I would have honestly felt more comfortable if he had he pulled out a pack of his Dad’s cigarettes and invited me to ‘smoke’em or head home. My “friend” suggested that we go and see “The Burbs” starring Tom Hanks. Now, I have always known that Tom Hanks is not very funny, the exception being his roles in both Castaway and Philadelphia, so I can not explain to you how dirty I felt deep down inside when I foolishly sat through one of the worst movies I have ever seen. That is when I realized that we could no longer be friends any more.
It was only years later why I realized why we could not be friends any longer. I finally realized that my poor friend’s maximum threshold for humor might have been only a 3 or 4. It was no wonder that he found such a terrible movie so deliciously enticing. The Burbs might have peaked at its funniest moment at a solid 2.3. Well that might have been darn near hyper-overdrive for my friend’s humor capacitor. Some of you out there are now undoubtedly saying, “That is not fair, your friend simply had different taste than you.” But you unfortunately are wrong. I do attribute the fact that he enjoyed the Burbs in part to a lack of actual intelligence, but there was also another factor at play ~ HIQ! My friend simply lacked HIQ. How could I have ever befriended someone who was so humorously disadvantaged?
Without a proper Humor Intelligence Quotient score you are likely to think that a show like Family Matters is funny while believing that Seinfeld is not. To me, that is just sad, but unfortunately it is a reality for so many people. Did you ever wonder why ABC’s TGIF programming was so enormously popular back in the early nineties? Although it certainly did not have me baffled at the time, it was certainly very disappointing at sleepovers when my 12-13 year old contemporaries had to stop playing air hockey to see what mischief DJ Tanner was up to on Full House. Oh TGIF how I hated you! Each worthless piece of programming more terrible than its predecessor.
Before signing off, let me just say that it’s okay to have a low HIQ. I certainly don’t want to be your friend, but I’m certain you would feel the same way about me. The only difference is that on Friday nights you end up watching whatever crap Adam Sandler is producing, while I am watching Spinal Tap.