Archive for July 16, 2007
One Step Ahead, distributor of goods for paranoid parents, does not want babies to suck their thumbs, come into contact with deadly germs on the grocery cart or dare catch a ray of natural sunlight.
Exhibit A: Thumb and finger suckers beware. One Step Ahead is out to cure you in three weeks by shaming you out of your sickening habit by having to wear this to play dates, Bar Mitzvahs, and even Homecoming in the case of the larger 15 year-olds to which this product is geared.
Exhibit B: These covers are quite the rage in some elite circles, but I just envision this breeding a child that later on in life freaks out getting in an uncovered roller coaster seat or church pew…or perhaps a youth hostel bed. You just can’t cover all the germs in life dear parents.
And finally, on to swim wear for the kids:
Exhibit C: Where are the protective sun gloves? Her mom doesn’t even want her to feel the sensation of sand running between her toddler toes. While yes, this super suit does offer SPF protection, it only leads to one dangerous place:
Exhibit D: Modest Swimwear Solutions. Toddlers swathed in excessive swim wear fabric becomes young ladies accustomed to swimming in tunics and leggings. The seemingly helpful and safe things you do to protect your baby can damage your child more terribly than words can say.
There is some real sound logic in Washington these days. It’s the kind of logic that can easily be applied at home, at work, or school, or at play. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of logic that could tragically lead you to sleeping on the couch. Take it from me, I know from experience.
I am by no means a political animal. I try to leave politics to those far smarter and more moral then me. But, I could not help but hear about a movement within our Congress interested in imposing a timeline as to when we withdraw our troops in Iraq. And then I thought. And I thought. And I thought. And I thought some more. And then I exclaimed, “What a brilliant idea! This is why we need really smart people in Washington!”
You see, I realized that our politicians had come across a really good idea. Let’s just pretend we set a date to withdraw troops in Iraq, and let’s just pretend that date was, I don’t know, September 23rd. Well, we would send a really important and distinctive message to all our enemies inside Iraq. And that message would be something like this -Let all of you terrorists, suicide bombers, jihadists, and torturers know that we, The United States of America, will fight you on land, in air, or on sea, come what may, until September 23rd, 2007. We will fight you relentlessly and without measure until you unconditionally agree to peacefully lay down your arms, or until September 23rd, 2007 whichever comes first. We will be relentless in our pursuit of any party intent on the destruction of American lives for 73 more days, so beware.
“What a clear and strong message we would send to our enemies (you know, the ones that want us dead)”, I thought. I’m sure the counter from our enemies would be very similar as well. It would probably sound like this. We the ununited front of Iraqi, Iranian, Syrian, Jordanian, and Arab states in general, do solemnly declare a bitter and unending war with the United States until your blood pours from every crag in the earth, or until September 23, 2007. We will slit your throats, strap bombs onto our women and children, and will not sleep until we have slaughtered your women and your children in the name of our God, until September 23. We shall defiantly stand up to you the United States of America, the Great Satan, and terrorize you mercilessly, until September 23rd, at which point we will return home and make Falafel.
Well, somewhere in that sound logic I must have become a little overzealous because when I walked through my front door on Friday I told my wife that I would gladly enter the kitchen after dinner and would devote my entire focus to the cleansing of the dishes for 3.4 minutes at which point I would not assist any further with the dishes. She rolled her eyes a little bit at that point and said something like, “I don’t even want to know.” She began folding clothes later that evening and I, in my zeal, declared that I would, “Fold every towel, shirt, and underwear without end, or at least until the current commercial break came to an end (which just happened to be about 6 seconds later). What can I say, she was not amused. Finally, sometime around 2 in the morning my son awoke crying. My wife asked me to help and I told her that I would gladly help for 34.2 seconds at which point I would go back to bed and never help again. Well, she totally lost her cool at that point and that I was I woke up this morning with a stiff neck. I’m not sure where I went wrong, but one thing is for certain, my wife is less logical than the terrorists that hate us so much. Thank you politicians for being such smart and logical creatures.
So we took the train from Tokyo to Hiroshima. It was relatively dry most of the way, but once we got off the train and started walking to our hotel, Typhoon Man-yi struck and we had torrential downpour the entire walk. It stopped as soon as we arrived. Of course.
Next door, there was a little restaurant that sold this local specialty that involves a number of variable ingredients, but always cabbage. We walked up, ready to eat, and they sent us away saying they didn’t have any cabbage. Dave looked and me and said, “And why would they?”
Today, we had a dry train ride and then it started pouring as soon as we arrived in Kyoto, naturally. Biggest festival of the year, the Gion Matsuri, is in full force, so there were no hotels to be found. That means, I, Princess Naperville, am in a Youth Hostal for the first time in my life. 12 people per room. I may not survive this ordeal. I considered turning tricks at a nice hotel, just to get a room. Alas, there were no takers and I’m at bthe BAKpAK Hostal for two nights, as we got a 5 star hotel for the third… I’m just waiting for them to lose my reservation.
I don’t know what I did to earn this travel karma. I don’t know what travel gods I angered. I have no idea why I’m relegated to a computer in a lounge in a youth hostal with pot leafs, Bob Marley, Bjork, and Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate stickers decorating the walls. There is a game in the corner called “Strip Darts” and I’m relieved no one is playing. I suppose this is an experience I should have under my belt, but I’m too old, and frankly, live to kushy a life to do this.
I haven’t figured out how I’m supposed to sleep with the other 10 people coming in at all hours of the night and getting ready for bed in our dorm. Heaven help me.