A student teacher has to draw up an American history test for his tenth grade history students, focusing on post-World War II national events. He figures he will make it easy, seeing as how they’re just about to break for Memorial Day weekend.
Question #1: Name the intern who had inappropriate relations with President Bill Clinton in 1995.
This one stumps some of the students. What was that intern’s name?!!! One student writes, “Lebowski.” Student teacher laughs while he grades this test, but really enjoys the legendary response of “Martin Luther King, Jr.” What other conspiracy theories is this brilliant kid keeping from the United States? He certainly must know what goes down at Area 51.
Question #9: Name the hippie music festival that took place in the late 1960′s and early 1970′s.
Again, some kids are stumped. One girl in particular has no idea. She asks for help. Student Teacher says, “I’ll give you a clue. It starts with a ‘W’.” Girl rolls her eyes. “Okay, then an ‘o’ and another ‘o’, then a ‘d’. Girl’s eyes light up and she scribbles down, “Woodlog.” Student Teacher interjects and says, “Try again.” After thinking, she crosses out her first feeble attempt and confidently writes, “Woodshop.”
Woodshop vs. Woodstock (easily confusable!)
Heaven help our teachers.
*Thanks, CJ, for the story!*
It may be presumptuous to claim that anybody who sees these wants these. But it’s true. (It’s far less presumptuous than Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 claiming that everybody wants her parrot hair do).
Without further ado, a little recipe for anyone who needs to a) win the grand prize at a cookie contest b) make amends with someone or c) take a break from job applications.
Peanut Butter Brownie Cookies
Pillsbury Bake-Off Finalist, 2004
1 box traditional fudge brownie mix
1/4 cup butter, melted
4 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 cup powdered sugar
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 container (1 lb. size) chocolate fudge ready-to-spread frosting
1. Heat oven to 350. In medium bowl, beat brownie mix, melted butter, cream cheese and egg 50 strokes with spoon until well blended (dought will be sticky).
2. Onto ungreased cookie sheets, drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart to make 24 cookies; smooth edge of each to form round cookie.
3. In small bowl, mix powdered sugar and peanut butter with spoon until mixture forms a ball. With hands, roll rounded teaspoonfuls into 24 balls. Lightly press 1 ball into center of each ball of dough.
4. Bake 10 to 14 minutes or until edge are set. Cool cookies on cookie sheets at least 30 minutes.
5. Remove cooled cookies from cookie sheets. Spread thin layer of frosting over peanut butter portion of each cooled cookie.
These creations are so potent that no one has ever been able to eat more than two in one sitting. Consider that a challenge…
When faced with the possibility of wearing these pants…
or these skippy mail lady shorts…
do you opt for the Carol Brady culottes or try and improve the ill-fitting pants and shorts?
Not unlike the tailoring Shelley Long’s character demanded in Troop Beverly Hills….
In the midst of this fashion crisis, I take comfort in knowing Oscar de la Renta felt the pain of female Scouters everywhere when he rolled out his line of silk Boy Scouts of America scarves. Thank you, Oscar, for your thoughts at this time.
Susan Boyle, the new hero of the “misunderestimated.” Go get ‘em, tiger.
Here’s the link since the video embedding’s been disabled.
At the beginning of the year, my grocery store broke up with me. It wasn’t planned. It was sudden, painful and frankly unnecessary. They had me at “hello” when as a preschooler, they let my class fieldtrip go behind the scenes and watch the bread bake and the sausage machine magically produce tubes of meat. As an adult, part of the draw for me was that it was always empty which of course turned out to be its downfall.
An uncommitted shopper with two tots in tow, I’ve wiped the slate clean and have ventured far and wide to claim a new store of my own. This period of time coincided with the last season of The Bachelor and I can’t help but compare myself to Jason Mesnick as he dealt with overly flirtateous and desperate women vying for his business.
Some of the grocery stores have been so aggressive in their courtship, it’s as uncomfortable as watching Jillian make out with Jason in the hot tub for 10 minutes of ABC prime time. When Safeway gives away four 12-packs of Diet Coke for $7, you feel a little unclean. When Shoppers Food Warehouse tosses free cereal boxes at you AND a coupon for $5 off a $15 purchase, you question your worth.
BJ’s, the poor man’s Costco, gave me over a year’s membership for half the price of a Costco renewal AND a membership for a friend. Harris Teeter has given me a coupon for the last twelve weeks for $10 off a purchase of $40 or more AND given my children free cookies and balloons on each visit. The only thing we’re missing is painted butterflies on our faces. And on it goes as I accumulate frequent shopper cards on my key chain and scope out my prospects.
Wegmann’s, the Rochester-based wonder chain, is the only one that’s played hard to get and I’ve fallen hard. Underground parking, double decker carts with seating for two, a functioning toy train track cascading above the dairy section, and pre-made meals to beat the band. They may be receiving the rose at the Final Rose Ceremony, but I trust in Jason’s example knowing I can always go back to Safeway if the first option falls through. All Wegmann’s has to do to seal the deal is open a child-care center like they offer in New York and I’m all theirs.
Unwigged and Unplugged
Forget about Britney. This is the show not to miss.
Consider this a PSA for any charitable hearts out there who may be made to feel sorry for door knockers. The kind that tell you they need to sell magazine subscriptions to pay for college and their fatherless child. The kind that ask for a drink of water and end up taking a Coke Zero.
They may compliment you on your curtains and your cute children, but in the end, you’re out $90 and you only get two weeks, not one year, of US Weekly. Upon calling US Weekly directly, they have no record of your payment for a one-year subscription. When you Google the name of the door-to-door sales company, True Vision, the first result is entitled: Rip-off Report: True Vision Magazine Scam.
So consider yourselves warned. Accept the missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but deny the misfits from True Vision. I’ve been punk’d and I probably funded a night of wreckless drug use among single pregnant moms.
You know it’s time to put your glasses on when you pass a building and think you see this new organization:
Creating Jokes for People
With Serious Disabilities
“Jokes” was actually “Jobs.” Lesson learned, glasses will now accompany me on the road…
Rarely do six-year olds make the news. What’s even more rare is when two of their stories provide the perfect back drop for the polar opposite ways one can raise her child.
Tiernan Paul, a kindergartener, is still breastfed by his mother, Robyn. She feels it creates a closer bond between them and allows her to soothe her son. Tiernan’s two older siblings also breastfed until the age of six and they have only fond memories of their days being nursed. Robyn says she enjoys very open communication and strong relationships with her kids, due in part to their prolonged breastfeeding.
Six is definitely too old in my book for this, but you can’t argue that this mom has earned a medal of valor for her efforts in being there for her kids. (We complained to my sister that her two and a half year old was too old for it, since he was eating hot dogs in one hand and leaning in for sips in between bites. She might have been on ABC News in Robyn’s place had she not thrown in the towel shortly after she became pregnant around her son’s third birthday).
In the other corner, we have a first grader who feels like he has to fend for himself.This poor little guy missed the school bus and hopped in mom’s Taurus and drove himself 10 miles to get there. He slammed into a utility pole and told the sheriff “he did not want to miss breakfast and PE.” The boy’s father had been under court order not to leave his two sons alone with their mother, so sadly, the boys have now been placed in foster care. The mom is in jail.
Even though Tiernan is poised for some tortuous years of teenage teasing and some embarrassing slides in his wedding slide show, he he has nothing on what our little Taurus driver is going to have to deal with if this is the kind of supervision and parental involvement to which he’s grown accustomed.