If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right!

Though JL and I were the co-captains of Team Kreme (who camped out for the opening of the Orem Krispy Kreme circa 2000), our wildest dreams could never fathom such a sandwich.  KRISPY KREME BACON CHEESEBURGERS.  Someone get the paddles.  STAT.

What’s For Dinner?

Here was the menu for today’s Mother’s Day feast:

Aunt JoEllen’s Barbecue Beef Brisket

3-5 lbs. boneless brisket
4 oz. bottle of liquid smoke
1/2 bottle Barbeque Sauce
1/2 small bottle Worcestershire sauce
celery salt
garlic salt

Marinate boneless brisket in liquid smoke for at least 12 hours before baking. Preheat oven to 225. Pour off liquid smoke and add half the bottle of Worcestershire sauce. Sprinkle on celery and garlic salts. Cover and bake for 5 hours. You may want to turn the meat over during this time, but it’s not necessary. Remove brisket from oven and add ½ bottle of barbeque sauce, pouring it directly on the brisket. Continue baking 225 degrees for 1 hour. Remove from oven. Let brisket stand 20 min. before you carve it across the grain of the meat with an electric knife. Serve with barbeque sauce thinned with drippings if desired. (You can make this a day ahead, refrigerate, and throw out the fat on top—the taste only gets better)

Mashed Sour Cream and Scallion Potatoes

10 large Idaho potatoes (7 pounds), peeled and quartered

5 garlic cloves, peeled

1 cup reduced-fat sour cream

1/2 cup milk

4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened

7 scallions, white and light green parts, thinly sliced

Place the potatoes and garlic in a large pot and add enough water to cover. Bring to a boil and cook until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain the potatoes and garlic and return to the pot. Add the sour cream, milk, and butter and mash with a potato masher. Add scallions and stir gently to combine well. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve hot.

Boston Lettuce Avocado Salad and Lime Dressing (Dave Lieberman)

For the salad:
2 small to medium heads Boston lettuce, discard any wilted leaves
1 Hass avocado, pitted
1 large bunch scallions, thinly sliced
Leaves from 1 bunch cilantro, finely choppedFor the dressing:
2 limes, juiced
1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar
About 20 grinds fresh black pepper
1 tablespoon whole-grain mustard

Pull the lettuce leaves from the head, rinse gently under cold water, and lay out on clean towels to dry. Use a spoon to remove the flesh in 1 piece from each half of the avocado. Thinly slice the avocado flesh into thin wedges.Whisk together all the dressing ingredients.

Arrange the lettuce leaves on a plate and top with the avocado wedges, scallion, and cilantro. Finish with a healthy drizzling of the dressing

Lynette’s Baked Beans

3 cans Baked Beans (B&M is best, but Bush’s will work too)
1/3 lb bacon
Green Pepper
Onion
1/2 c. Ketchup
1/2 c. Brown Sugar

Cut up bacon in small pieces and fry.  Put bacon (and a little of the grease for taste) into the slow cooker.  Add the rest of the ingredients and cook on low for at least 4 hours.

Everything Should Taste Like Bacon

IRF reader, Jeff, brought this important new culinary product to my attention.  Apparently he has already “instructed” his wife to pick some up.

Thinking about what I could flavor with bacon salt is kind of making me want to be a better person.

Prelude to A Cookie

As America eagerly anticipates the Patriots’ win on Sunday and some nervously await Super Tuesday’s results (did anyone know John McCain’s name was dropped as a running mate for John Kerry?!), I choose to divert my attention to the upcoming cookie season. Edy’s, those geniuses, drum up appetites for Girl Scout cookies with their exclusive cookie flavor ice creams two months before the Brownies actually deliver them to your door. (According to my cookie liaison, cookies are to arrive to the troops by February 25).

The Thin Mint ice cream is delectable, thin shavings of the cookies perfectly distributed throughout the creamy mint chocolate base. Do not even waste your time with the Samoas flavor–it stands in drastic need of about three times the amount of cookie chunks and much more caramel.

On a cookie-related note, is there any disagreement that the top three cookie flavors are, in this very particular order:

1. Samoas
2. Thin Mints
3. Tagalongs

And while some complain that Girl Scout cookies still have trans-fats, there are ways to make your own.

The Lamentations of Lowry - Chapter 2

I’m concerned about the status of culinary arts in America. Just the other day I was returning from a long sojourn to the west with my family. Owing to the late hour and our impending 1.5 hour drive to our final destination, I thought it wise to procure victuals. Fortunately, a fine establishment was available, just when I needed it. I shrugged off the derisive reaction of the missus and ordered a childhood favorite, while she chose the breaded breast of chicken.

 We began our trip, and within a few moments my bride was distressed. She removed what appeared to have once been a leaf of lettuce from her sandwich. It was wilted and slimy, lacking the satisfying crispness of her favorite leafy green. This prompted an interesting conversation where she said the following:

 ”It makes me wonder if some of these people even eat lettuce.”

 I know there are various issues confronting today’s youth. I focus on them, as they represent America’s culinary present and future. I wonder if the “Episode of the Slimy Lettuce,” is a harbinger of what is to come. Here are some frightening possibilities, as put forth by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Edible Herbaceous Plants:

Unless immediate action is taken to improve worldwide culinary education, the following scenarios seem likely:

• By 2017 less than 22% of the persons ages 12-19 will be able to distinguish between Romaine and Iceberg Lettuce.
• By 2022 more than 75% of baby carrot consumers will believe that the dimunitive carrots “are born that way.”
• By 2024 lazy and unscrupulous fast food companies will replace lettuce with a synthetic green wax paper that dissolves on contact with human saliva.

Clearly something must be done, IMMEDIATELY! Despite mankind’s inability to predict the advent of trans-fat free donuts until earlier this year, certainly the projections of the UNIPEHP should be taken seriously. The 2024 scenario is particularly troubling, as the poor education of today’s culinary workers can be traced directly to the “quick-service” chains who fail to adequately prepare their staff. This is done so that, by 2025, lettuce is no longer consumed in this country, making more room for feedlots filled with methane-producing beef cattle.

Act for crispness! Go green! Demand that your purveyor of fine cuisine supply what you desire, nay, what you need to prevent the nightmare scenarios brought forth through the heroic efforts of the UNIPEHP. Maybe someone should nominate them for the Nobel Peace Prize…

What’s For Dinner?

The biggest rite of passage of my (less and less) young life is tomorrow, which will be the first Thanksgiving I ever host, and Cousin Jen & T. Russell (and their little one) will be attending with Uncle Dick.  I thought I’d share the recipes I plan to use (though I reserve the right to make game-day decisions, Jen and Tim):http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/233148 

CIDER-BRINED-AND-GLAZED TURKEY

 

Brine

4 quarts apple cider, divided

1 1/2 cups kosher salt

1/4 cup whole allspice

8 bay leaves

4 quarts cold water

1 20-pound turkey (neck and gizzard reserved)

 

Sage Broth

2 cups low-salt chicken broth

1/2 onion, quartered

1 celery stalk, cut into 4 pieces

8 fresh sage leaves

Glaze

2 cups apple cider

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter

8 cups Apple, Sausage, and Parsnip Stuffing with Fresh Sage

Gravy

3 tablespoons all purpose flour

2 tablespoons fresh sage leaves

1/4 cup applejack brandy or Calvados

1/4 cup whipping cream 

• For brine: Simmer 1 quart apple cider, salt, allspice, and bay leaves in 20-quart pot 5 minutes, stirring often. Cool completely. Add remaining 3 quarts cider and 4 quarts water. Place turkey in brine. Cover and refrigerate overnight.Drain turkey and rinse. Arrange on several layers of paper towels in roasting pan. Refrigerate uncovered overnight.
• For broth:Simmer all ingredients in large saucepan 30 minutes. Strain sage broth into bowl.
• For glaze:Boil cider in saucepan until reduced to 1/4 cup, about 15 minutes. Whisk in butter. Cool completely.Set rack at lowest position in oven; preheat to 350°F. Remove paper towels from roasting pan. Pat main and neck cavities of turkey dry; stuff loosely with stuffing. Place turkey in pan, tuck wings under, and tie legs together loosely.Roast turkey 1 hour. Brush with some of glaze. Roast until beginning to brown, about 1 hour. Cover with foil. Roast until thermometer inserted into thickest part of thigh registers 175°F, brushing with glaze every 30 minutes and adding up to 1 cup water to pan if drippings begin to burn, about 3 hours longer. Transfer turkey to platter; tent with foil. Let stand 30 minutes.
• For gravy:Pour pan juices into large measuring cup. Spoon off fat. Reserve 3 tablespoons fat and degreased juices. Pour sage broth into roasting pan. Bring to boil, scraping up browned bits. Combine flour, sage leaves, and reserved 3 tablespoons fat in heavy large saucepan; stir over medium heat 1 minute. Whisk in broth from roasting pan and reserved pan juices. Add applejack and cream and boil until gravy thickens slightly, whisking often, about 4 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Strain into sauceboat. Serve turkey with gravy.  

Mashed Sour Cream and Scallion Potatoes

10 large Idaho potatoes (7 pounds), peeled and quartered

5 garlic cloves, peeled

1 cup reduced-fat sour cream

1/2 cup milk

4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened

7 scallions, white and light green parts, thinly sliced 

Place the potatoes and garlic in a large pot and add enough water to cover. Bring to a boil and cook until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain the potatoes and garlic and return to the pot. Add the sour cream, milk, and butter and mash with a potato masher. Add scallions and stir gently to combine well. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve hot.

Green Beans with Honey-mustard Glaze

2 pounds green beans, trimmed

3 tablespoons mustard seeds

1/4 cup honey

1/4 cup brown sugar 

1/3 cup rice vinegar 

To make it…Bring a large saucepan of lightly salted water to a boil. Drop in the green beans and cook, uncovered, 5 minutes or until tender but still crisp. Drain. (Can be made ahead to this point. Rinse with cold water to stop the cooking. Place in a resealable plastic bag and refrigerate.) Dry the saucepan and return it to the stove. Toast the mustard seeds over low heat just until they pop, about 1 minute, stirring to prevent scorching. Add the honey, brown sugar and vinegar and cook until the sauce boils and becomes syrupy. Add the green beans and toss.

Honey Glaze for Baked Ham (because I want both meats)

 

10 to 12 lb. fully cooked bone in ham

Whole cloves

1/2 c. honey

1/2 c. brown sugar

1 tsp. dry mustard

1 tbsp. orange juice

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Place ham, fat side up, on rack in roasting pan. Insert meat thermometer in thickest part. Bake, uncovered, 2 hours.

With sharp knife, remove skin, if any; then score fat into 1 inch diamonds; stud each with a clove.

Combine honey, sugar, mustard and orange juice in 1 quart saucepan. Over medium heat bring to a boil while stirring.

Brush half of honey glaze over ham; bake 30 minutes. Brush with rest of glaze; bake 30 minutes until golden and thermometer reads 130 degrees. Let stand 15 to 20 minutes before carving. Makes 18 to 20 servings.  

 

Cranberry Sauce

1 pound fresh cranberries

grated peel from one orange

2 cups white sugar

1/4 c orange juice

1 cup water

In a microwave safe bowl, mix together cranberries, peel, sugar, juice, and water. Cover the mixture with wax paper and microwave on high power, stirring once in awhile, until the cranberries pop (about 7 minutes). Chill. This will keep a week or so, covered well, in the fridge.

 Sweet Potatoes for Two

 INGREDIENTS

• 2 sweet potatoes, cooked and peeled
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 2 tablespoons butter or margarine
• 2 tablespoons water
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 dash ground nutmeg

DIRECTIONS

1. Slice sweet potatoes into an 8-in. pie plate; set aside. In a saucepan, combine brown sugar, butter, water and salt; bring to a boil. Pour hot syrup over potatoes. Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees F for 30 minutes, basting occasionally, or until syrup thickens and potatoes are glazed. Sprinkle with nutmeg or mace.

 

 

Econ 101: The Candy Show

Every job has its perks.  Mine enables me to attend the annual All Candy Expo.  Chicago’s McCormick Place is taken over by wall-to-wall confections… and I get paid to walk the hallowed halls and sample the newest innovations.  Gum, Candy, Snacks… Last year the biggest trend was dark chocolate and printing the percentage of Cocoa on the package.  This year the flavor that EVERYONE is trying to get a piece of is Blueberry Pomegranate, which I find to be a lovely combination. 

As I walked down aisles 1 and 2, each little piece of Fudge, each sample of hard candy was an utter and complete delight.  I filled my bag like a overgrown, under-dressed Trick or Treater.  Aisles 3 and 4 came and I was still excited, but walking faster, taking fewer samples, and my excitement diminished with every aisle until I finally ended up skipping the last couple aisles.  My coworker one time referred to this phenomenon as the Law of Diminishing Returns.  I said, “More like the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility.”  Like the cool kid that I am.

So, by popular request, I am addressing the difference between these economic laws.  Since I am not a economics expert (other than knowing the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility when I see it), I went straight to IRF reader, Masters of Economics Candidate, Mikel, who quoted from his MIT Dictionary of Modern Economics:

Diminishing marginal utility is exactly like the candy example, usually though it has to do with purchasing something, but same idea. The more you have of something, the less valuable an additional unit is to you. The law of diminishing returns is more specific to production. So, if you have fixed capital and keep adding labor to it, your marginal and then average returns to labor will diminish after some point. You get less output out of an additional unit of labor, as you add more and more labor. Instead of too much candy, this would be like having too many workers and not enough computers. So, it is usually said “diminishing returns to labor” or “diminishing returns to labor with respect to capital”. They both describe curved functions, and the measure of the slope of a curved line. So, graphically they look similar, even though one is describing an individual’s utility function (convex), and the other is describing a production function (concave). They both measure the changing slope of a curved line. I think that pretty much explains it.

So there you have it.  Your first piece of candy is more highly valued than your 10,000th.  The law didn’t stop me, however, from topping off my bag with Almond Joys and Pomegranate Jelly Bellys (and Lemon Heads for Joey).  The Willy Wonka Soundtrack has that effect on me.

Thanks to Mikel for doing his part to educate our loyal readers on this important subject. And I’m here to answer any questions about gum and candy.

Posted by LeMare

Just Enjoy the Brownie

Over the weekend, I too had a disturbing encounter, though it certainly had nothing on LeMare’s encounter with lewdness on the Red Line. Mine involved a mom on a mission to prevent her daughter from one of life’s great pleasures–Ghiradelli triple chocolate brownies–and offend the creator of the dessert bar for an event for sixty girls in the fourth to sixth grade age range.

Pizza pockets had underwhelmed the girls at the activity earlier in the year, so for this final activity we went all out with a sundae bar featuring a gigantic platter of 96 gooey, fudgey brownie delights, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, colored sprinkles, chocolate syrup and maraschino cherries for good measure. Sugar Mom as we shall call her, was gracious enough to assist in serving as the girls made their way through the bar, but reprimanded me for providing such an “unthinkable” amount of sugar to girls so close to their bed time. (Do nine year-olds really go to bed at 8:30pm on a Friday night?)

She instructed her daughter that she wouldn’t be allowed to have a brownie as it wasn’t healthy and would keep her up. Stupefied by her comments, much as I was from watching the demise of Britney’s career, she continued her sermon and alleged that we have a gluttony problem in our church. She then proceeded to deny 80-lb. girls the right to seconds. No doubt contributing to the future psychiatry bills of these future women. Despite the sugar running through my veins from the half dozen unservable odd-shaped brownies I ate that afternoon, and knowing that I could vent here amongst friends, I was able to keep my cool. I didn’t dare tell her that my mother had suggested providing an equal sized platter of chocolate chip cookies for variety.

Posted by JL

Restaurant Review: Texas Roadhouse

I have a confession.  My family is suburban.  Very suburban.  As suburban as they come.  Hence, as I ventured out to the suburbs (missing the Chicago Air and Water Show) and I knew we were going to something called Texas Roadhouse (a kitschy little idea to celebrate my youngest brother moving to Texas), I had visions of my LAST two trips to Suburban restaurants:  One, a Famous Dave’s in Naperville, one a Famous Dave’s in Tinley Park (Massimo’s birthday dinner).  I can’t tell you how much envy I had for the suburban dwellers as I savored my Memphis-style pulled chicken sandwich with jack cheese.  Texas Roadhouse is no Famous Dave’s.  You will not find BBQ Pulled Pork on the menu, there’s no pulled chicken, there is, and in fact, nothing on the menu that looked remotely appealing to me (I have a firm policy against ordering steaks for $16.99).  After battling with the menu (in a way I haven’t done since my trip to Japan), I decided on a salad.

What a punch in the face.  The description touted white meat, crispy chicken tenders.  Here’s the secret to profit margins at Texas Roadhouse:  Peel the skin off chicken breasts for the grilled chicken sandwiches, save that skin.  Now TAKE the skin, dip in in batter and fry it up for the sucker stupid enough to order the crispy chicken salad.  There was no meat, just chunks of fried skin.  The lettuce was the cheapest of the cheap, there was hard-boiled egg, but it was all crumbly, not resembling the kind of egg you’d hope to see in a Cobb Salad.  There was tons of cheese.  Now, I love cheese as much as the next man (let’s be honest, more), but heaps and mounds of cheddar cheese on a salad?  Pass.  I picked that off with the fried chicken skin.  But then I was left with a big huge bowl of iceburg and green leaf lettuce and tomatoes.  I have another firm policy (in addition to not eating steaks that cost $16.99) and that policy is that I will not go to restaurants where the food I make at home tastes better.  And I am going to make a bold move and say that I am a better cook than the 17-year olds in the kitchen at the Texas Roadhouse. 

I hated it.  I hated the peanut shells on the floor.  I hated that the tables were bolted down so our large family can’t all sit at one table.  I hated the neon signs.  I hated the baseball hats worn by 20% of the patrons.  I hated the braided belts and sensible shoes.  I hated my crappy salad and I hated that there was no pulled pork on the menu of a place called Texas Roadhouse.  Do yourself a favor, next time you go to a suburban mall restaurant, let it be Famous Dave’s, let it be Chevy’s, even, for heaven sakes, let it be the OG (Olive Garden), but please, I pray, don’t ever deceive yourself into thinking that Texas Roadhouse is a good meal.

IRF Weekly Wrap-up

What a great week here and IRF is pleased as people leave more and more comments on the posts! 

Search Term Sunday:   Here at IRF, we derive a great deal of amusement by looking at the search terms that people use to find IRF.  It can be anything as benign as “Waiting For Guffman Quotes” but some are quite random and amusing.  IRF hopes you enjoy these as much as we do–stay tuned for the weekly highlights.  Over the last seven days, here are some of the most amusing search terms:

onion booty (What is an “onion booty”?  While we have mentioned Onions in the Recipe section, and booties come up occasionally, but an onion booty.  Is it some body image issue?  Like “muffin top” or “saddle bags”?  Someone, PLEASE tell me what an onion booty is!)

people that have a baby in their belly (or you could have searched “pregnancy”)

three leg easter stool (I know we have an ode to the song Stool Boom in Waiting For Guffman, but this person actually wants a stool.  Stools are where… once upon a time you found a chair… I digress.  They want an EASTER stool.  They can probably find one at Harriet Carter.)

Why do Peeps expand in the microwave (Joe Miller can provide this inquiring mind an answer)

how to cook beaf (IRF does not know what “beaf” is.  We CAN however, help you cook “BEEF”)

mens dancebelt stories (I wish this man was a Guffman fan, but I fear his search had nothing to do with Corky being fresh off a destroyer with nothing to his name but a dance belt and a tube of chapstick.)

“fatal blossom of the” jimson weed (I would like to shake the hand of the Golden Girls fan who googled this extremely obscure quote by Blanche)

fred “flintstone” punching in for work (I’m baffled.  Not only do I not recall any IRF posts about Fred Flintstone, but we CERTAINLY have no experience in hourly jobs!)

pregnancy+waist+extender (This woman was clearly reaching out for a solution… Not sure if they found it at Harriet Carter.  IRF recommends sucking it up and buying Maternity pants)

Harriet Carter Catalog employment  (Dire straights… you know the job market is tough when you’re willing to peddle Decorative Hide-a-Pump Stumps.)

sword fighting peeps microwave video (who knew there was a Peep sub-culture?)

cute baby crossword (This person has no business on IRF.  And I’m sure they realized it after they read JL’s Baby Shower post)

bucky covington poster (Anyone in the market to procure such an item has no business on IRF)

barbara devil voyeur (Any guesses as to what this person was hoping to learn?)

A site that you can Dress up Raven Symon (IRF does not have this functionality… yet.)

 

Mitt Romney:  While I find this man to be the most obnoxious TV personality this side of Ryan Seacrist, IRF enjoyed Mad Money Jim Cramer saying Mitt Romney is “like the best business man in North America!” and went on to say that he would lower taxes, less government spending and would drive GROWTH in our GDP.

In Rare Form:  We hope you enjoyed the new section “Search Term Sunday” and that you’re enjoying all the guests posts, as well as Phenix Friday, Myrts Blurts, and our new intern, Fun Time Nicki.  IRF waits on baited breath for tomorrow’s Miller Monday.