Vehicular Art

The San Francisco Bay Area… like no other place in the world.  Thank goodness I have a camera phone… here are all the vehicles i have seen in the last few months with odd things in or attached to them…

Having a pickup comes in handy for transporting large globes.

Yes, that IS the same truck that was carrying the big globe the day before…

Dino-mobile?  Wha-the-WHAT????

The last of which has a fake doll dressed like a bride in shotgun and when he drives, she starts dancing.  Only in Santa Cruz…

More Personalized Plates

Only in San Francisco…

All the Single Ladies…

Sometimes a girl just needs to be held.

Only In San Francisco #1

Shoes shined by the homeless on a mobile chair stand?  Could happen anywhere…

Get your ipod fixed while having your shoes shined by the homeless?

ONLY IN SAN FRANCISCO.

We’ve all wanted to…

The other morning, I was walking down Spear Street in San Francisco, and saw this on the ground outside of an office building:

You got it.  A printer thrown out of the window of an office building in an obvious fit of rage.  There’s still paper in it!

Am I the only one reminded of the movie Office Space with the scene where they steal the printer and beat it senseless in a field?  Here’s the clip (but if you’re sensitive to foul language I suggest you turn down the background music).

The Majesty of Rock, the Pageantry of Roll

I said I was going to do it, and I did it.  I attended Unwigged and Unplugged based on this blog’s recommendation.  It did not disappoint.

This year marks the 25th Anniversary of the movie “This is Spinal Tap” which is an iconic cult classic that ushered in a new genre, The Mocumentary, and IRF’s collective favorite film, the great unifier that brought us all together, Waiting for Guffman.  These movies aren’t for everyone, as the humor is dry, and well, smart.  Joe Miller describes this as having a high HIQ.  Well, as we all know, “you find people.  You FIND them” and I found people that share the same appreciation that I do. So my friend and I bought tickets to see Harry Shearer, Michael McKean, and Christopher Guest, live in the Oakland Paramount Theatre.

This is Spinal Tap is a mocumentary that chronicals the ’80’s rock band, Spinal Tap, often called the loudest band on Earth.  Christopher Guest, plays lead Guitarist, Nigel Tufnel and this scene describes him better than I ever could :

Some of my favorite Spinal Tap lyrics:

The majesty of rock, the pageantry of roll, the crowing of the cock, the running of the foal, the shepherd with his flock, the miner with his coal.

Big bottom, big bottom, talk about mud flaps, my girl’s got ‘em.

You’ve still got your baby teeth.

In the show, they also showed this special youtube tribute someone else made to Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You:

Now the band didn’t only represent Spinal Tap, as they did come back in a Mocumentary about Folk Music called “A Mighty Wind”.  And the threw me a bone by performing the song from the Waiting For Guffman Outtakes, “This Bulging River,” which may be one of my favorite parts of the movie .  All in all the night was a success.  Upon telling Joe Miller about my concert, he replied, “I don’t care about trivial things like how you’re doing, all I want to know is, did they play Hell Hole?”  My response was in Joe and my common language, “Guffmanese” as I said, “ello, ow are oo?  ave you been to ‘artford?”  (Joe, clearly understood that this meant they opened with it).

I wish each and every one of you could have been with me for this special evening.  You were in my heart.

PS – I did procure a new baseball shirt with Spinal Tap across the front and the number on the back?  11.  (Because it’s one louder.)

PSA: Successful Unemployment

Odds are, I’m not better than you at many things.  I probably make a better creme brulee.  Most likely, I have more height than you in my back flip.  I’m possibly better than you at telling companies when to NOT make capital investments… But I have NO DOUBT, that I am better than ALL of you at being unemployed.  Yes, September 9-December 10 were the most glorious 3 months of my life.  So, in an attempt to not hide my light under a bushel, I am going to share my talents and impart my wisdom on the ever increasing number of you who are filing for unemployment as we speak.

So, for those of you who are unemployed, let me tell you my top tips:

1) It is cheaper to live on a cruise ship than it is to live in Menlo Park, California.  How do I know this?  I add my rent, food, renters insurance, auto insurance, fuel.  Then I looked at the deals on cruise ships.  Yep, should have subletted my apartment and sold my car.  The Norwegian (or the ‘Weg, as we affectionately call it) would have been cheaper.  Significantly.

My experience on the cruise was barely more expensive than me lurking around San Francisco for a week. I probably spent $200 more on the cruise than I would have at home.  Carpe diem, my friends.

2) You should have an excel spreadsheet and a financial forecast of how long you can go on your budget without having to find a job.  If I stuck to my budget, I knew I could be happy and comfortable until April.  I did cut down on fancy dinners, movies, and my Nanette Lepore habit.  I did NOT however, yield to the MSG enticings of the 10 for $10 Pasta Roni deals at the neighborhood Safeway.  As much as I wanted to, I was still me.  If I would have stuck to the ‘Roni diet, I could have made it until May or June.  But there are some things, my friends, that I couldn’t compromise on.  Pasta Roni was mine, shoes may be yours.

3) Don’t set an alarm.  I woke up at 8:45 every day feeling GREAT. Then go for a jog.  I used this time to train for a half marathon.  Running is free, so only the race fee had any impact on the spreadsheet.  Sleeping in is another free indulgence, and I argue that it is better for the complexion than any $200 facial I’ve ever received.  Relish in the spreadsheet neutral indulgences.

5) It helps if you have a pool.  I’m not going to lie.

6) Enjoy the natural surroundings.  They are virtually spreadsheet neutral.

7)  Travel.  It’s not free, but you will NEVER have time like this again, so take advantage.  I can’t stress this enough.  Travel as much as you can.  I flew to Chicago, Asia, went on a cruise to Mexico, drove to Yosemite, Carmel, Tahoe, Sonoma and wished I could have done more!

And with that, I will now present my long requested (by JL) photo journal of my time in the “day club”

Working 70 hours a week isn’t condusive to improving your drives. If you have a friend in the industry, it is also spreadsheet neutral.

Climb Half Dome. The fuel to Yosemite can be offset by driving with two others (though the cost of a friend losing a roast beef sandwich under the seat of your new Volvo and discovering it a month later when the stench makes you want to die is a price I hope you never pay). It’s not a time to save a few bucks. Pick your hotel based on whose hot tubs stay open the longest.

Credit the spreadsheet when the parents come to visit. They cover all costs for the week.

The cost of driving to Sonoma is offset by doing the labor yourself on picking your own apples

Go undercover with the Fish & Game Warden to catch an Abalone poacher. He recognizes the 7″ tall warden, but a little girl in a beach hat with a Burberry-cased camera couldn’t raise an OUNCE of suspicion.

Try to pretend that the reason you’re going to the pumpkin patch in Half Moon Bay is for your cousin’s children.

Go on a cruise. An internal cabin won’t do much damage to the spreadsheet, and cruises are too cheesy for you to ever use valuable vacation time on. Get some 20 year old Mexican boyfriends leading you on the zipline tour. Zipline tour? Spreasheet debit. Being a Mexi-Cougar? Priceless.

Times should never be so tough that you can’t enjoy a lovely lunch on the water in Sausalito. Take the hit to your spreadsheet.

Running is spreadsheet neutral. The half marathon entrance fee could be neutral if you replace a few meals with Pasta Roni (but I carried the hit straight to the bottom line)

Gymnastics on the beach is spreadsheet neutral (though your mother may continue to remind you of how many thousands of dollars she spent over the years so you could do a couple flips on the beach)

Save money in Hong Kong by teaching your 61 year old mother the virtues of public transportation.

You can’t put a price on the discovery that you’re allergic to baby tigers. I had to get to Java for this level of self-awareness.

Hiking up to waterfall on the Indonesian Island of Lombok with your cousin? It’s in your couch cushions.

Private Balinese Dance class in our villa with my 61 year old mother? Worth every penny. This is worth a SIZEABLE hit to your spreadsheet.

I was only able to hold off the job offer for one month.  I would have enjoyed another month or two of sloth, but ’twas not in the cards for me.  One slight admission on the Indonesia trip, had the job offer not already come, I would not have selected a Balinese villa with my own private pool as the spreadsheet would have preferred something a little less decadent.  You’ll have to follow your heart on that one.

So, this concludes my Public Service Announcement.  Make your unemployment a time of unmatched joy.  Years down the road, when I think of my hideous job in San Francisco, I’ll think of those three months after, and I’ll smile.

LeMare’s Tacky Superbowl Party

It only comes but once a year.  Every other time in my home, I try to offer delicious and tasteful food.  But on Superbowl Sunday, there is no tolerance for class.  Tasty, but NEVER tasteful.  That’s right, this year was my 2nd Annual Tacky Superbowl Party, and we outdid ourselves, and the improvements were more than just my TV!

How do you THROW a tacky superbowl party?

Start with balloons.  Add a couple mylar, if possible.  Crepe paper also decked every doorway, naturally.

Everyone loves the mylar

On the menu?  Bacon flavored easy cheese.  Bagel Bites.  Jose Ole Mini Tacos.  Mini Corndogs (one guest said “they went down so smooth”).  And the piece de resistance?  A guacamole dip football stadium.  It was something special

So tacky, we could afford Hebrew National upgrade

Thematic M&Ms? Check. Football chip bowl? check, check.

Not gonna lie. Bagel bites stole the show

Jose Ole has NEVER let me down.

piece de resistance? Guacamole Football Statdium. And yes, the goal posts are slim jims and the stands are twinkies and chips.

Yes, you see that right, there IS a twinkie on his plate.

Has there ever been a plate, in the history of time, that has the same items on it?  Bagel bite, meatballs, velveeta/chili dip, pig in a blanket, 7-layer brownie, and, naturally, a twinkie.  The man holding this plate was the eating MVP, BY FAR.  He declared this to be one of his Top 10 Nights EVER.  He also said, “If I die tonight, please know that I die a happy man.”

You should probably be buying flights to San Francisco for my party next year.  It’ll be a fête.

The Year’s Best Bizarre Compliments

As we mull over the end of 2008, I can’t help but think of all the lovely things that people have said to me.  Here are the five most bizarre compliments that I have received in 2008, and I encourage you to share yours in the comments section:

“You’re Beautiful!” -From a Uniformed Indonesian Official carrying an M-16.

“You play sport!” -From pedicurist, while massaging my calf, soon after my half marathon.

“Your sister is really good at her job because she can totally disagree with you without coming across as a total B****!” -From a former colleague, as given to my brother, when he randomly met her on the train.

“You’re the best businessman in this family.”  -From my sister

“You have such cute shoes!  Britt–look at these shoes!” -From the TSA official while rifling through my carry-on.

Happy New Year to all!

Hong Kong, Day 1

Greetings from Marriott Renaissance in Kowloon, Hong Kong!  So far so good in my travels.  I know I’ve written about Shigella in Peru and Pot Leaf and Swiss Miss Packet wall-papered common rooms in a Kyoto hostal, but the first 24 hours in Hong Kong have been, actually, quite… well, fantastic!

I am here with my mother, which always lends itself to some interesting quotes…  Some of the best so far:

“Now Remember, when I poke you, you’re supposed to look around for a weird-looking man.”

*”Shoot, I was too far away from you just now to poke you!”

*To the Chinese concierge:  “Are there any restaurants that serve “NORMAL” food?  Without weird stuff in it?”

*At the Cantonese restaurant:  “No wonder everyone here is so thin.”

*At the Cantonese restaurant, after offering her some of my beef:  “No, I’m sort of turned off to the whole idea of meat right now.”

So, my mom and I were leaving the Cantonese restaurant (hungry) and someone handed us a flyer for a 35 minute foot massage for $80 HK Dollars.  Immediately, my sore feet smelled a bargain, so my mother and I followed this woman up this sketchy elevator, down a sketchier hall, and went into even a sketchier room with people getting their feet massaged.  There was a shrine in the corner with red light bulbs and incense.

My mom was claiming she was just keeping me company, but once I mentioned that I would pay for her, her shoes came off and her feet went up on the ottoman.  I stopped caring once the woman started going to town on my swollen feet for $11 US.  Am I too good for a hole in the wall foot massage parlor?  Apparently not.

In the mean time, we’re eating cashews for breakfast.

More to come.