The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 17: Wussification

One of my son’s favorite movies is The Incredibles. He fancies himself a speedster like Dash and loves to demonstrate how his little legs can move.

One of the themes in the film is how everyone loses when people are not allowed to be their best selves. It is a philosophical sibling in some ways to Atlas Shrugged.

The trend towards a toothless and bland populace may be traced back to the early 1980′s, with toys and films that affected an entire generation. From commentator Eric Snider-

In the 1980s, the Care Bears were a major contributor to the wussification of America. Children who once roamed the streets barefoot, playing with broken glass and poking dogs with sticks, were now taught to share their feelings and to care about people. Fun cartoons like G.I. Joe reminded kids how satisfying it is to kill others; lame cartoons like The Care Bears said, “Let’s all sit around and talk about our hopes and dreams!” And what were the consequences? Everyone born since about 1975 thinks they’re “special” and “important” and “unique,” when in fact most of them are “ordinary” and “useless.” Thanks a heap, Care Bears.

The Care Bears Movie is a disturbing glimpse into an Orwellian future where caring reigns supreme and good old-fashioned misanthropy is forbidden. The Care Bears — emotionless, ambisexual drones who frolic nakedly in the clouds and giggle in a most unsettling fashion — rule Earth with an iron, furry fist, spying on citizens in a search for the slightest hint of uncaring. Each Care Bear is named according to its personality: Friend Bear, Cheer Bear, Tenderheart Bear, Pansy Bear, Wuss Bear, Big Fat Crybaby Bear, etc. There’s also the gloomy Grumpy Bear, who is clearly a genetic defect and must be looked upon with pity and loathing by the others of his species.

Much deep reflection is prompted by this pop culture cancer. It does make one wonder- What kind of bear would one be?

I hope none at all. Maybe the hunter who shoots the bear and makes a rug.

Bloody Fantastic

Susan Boyle, the new hero of the “misunderestimated.” Go get ‘em, tiger.

Here’s the link since the video embedding’s been disabled.

Link of the Day

This site, Tacky Weddings, exposes some truly unbelievable…creativity. This one is astounding.

Enjoy!

The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 13: InfoWars!

I just read this post about the rivalry of Billy Mays and Vince Offer. Mays is well known for his enthusiastic pitchman skills and Offer was profiled in an earlier Chapter on this blog.

Vince’s latest success comes from the “SlapChop,” a knockoff of the “Quickchop.” Vince’s product seems superior for the very reason he claims in the video below. We received a QuickChop as a wedding gift but threw it away after a while because it was impossible to clean. The miraculous SlapChop seems to solve that problem.

Whatever the merits of the product, Vince can sell. Watch the pitch if you want- “You’re gonna love my nuts”

Can you possibly think anything but that this infomercial war is good for America? In an age of commodization and consolidation these video warriors may be a YouTube-era VHS and Betamax, battling their way into and out of our homes. In their coming we will find promise and hope. In their going deliveries of Shamwows and Oxy-Clean.

Oh brave new world.

Spencer Pratt Must Be Locked Up

For any devotees of The Hills, Spencer Pratt invented a new term on last night’s episode. In warning his sister, Stephanie, not to hang out with his arch-rival, Lauren, he tells Stephanie he’s going to “un-brother” her. Aside from acting like a twelve year-old boy in every situation, he needs a vocabulary coach.

Then, in an attempt to show off his knowledge of international affairs, he tells her that he and Lauren are like Iran and Israel and will never get along.  Whoa, he just made an analogy

If only there could be a meeting of the minds between Spencer and Jo De La Rosa, former Real Housewife of Orange County.  Think of the sweet enlightened music they could make together.

Olympic Fever

So, IRF has been on a little posting sabbatical as we have all been mesmerized by the Olympic Games (I can’t imagine what kind of effect the games are having on SportsAttitude).

I wanted to share some of my thoughts, and please add your own in the comments section.

1) Are we sure Mary Carillo has two x-chromosomes?  Here is a conversation a friend and I had:

F:  Mary Carillo admitted to taking testosterone for years.

LM:  That would explain the pantsuits.

F:  And the attraction to Billie Jean King.

.

2) The magical swimsuits that are helping everyone beat world records…  The doctor friend had the quote of the day on this one:  “Did you hear that they take up to 30 minutes to put on?  Apparently they come off easily, though, because as soon as Michael Phelps is out of the pool, he’s got it down so low, I could check for hernias.”

3) Beach Volleyball.  HOW DID THE BIGGEST T&A SPORT OF THE OLYMPICS TAKE THE PRIME TIME SLOT?  The schedulers at NBC ought to be shot (and in China, they probably WOULD be).  Why do I have to wait until 11pm to watch gymnastics?  That’s what all the kids want to see, and yet, it is on well past ALL of our bedtimes…  so the Children of America are forced to think that olympic games are about flat-chested women playing volleyball in bikinis.  And hugging between every point.  And the BELGIANS.  They should have selected a tasteful tank and boyshort.  If Olympians can have belly-rolls, is there hope for the rest of us?

4) Chinese gymnasts.  I REALIZE that gymnastics stunts your maturation process.  Once upon a time, I was among the stunted.  However, despite my lack of puberty, I did still manage to lose my BABY TEETH!  Here is a 16 year old before puberty sets in:

LeMare - 1995

Here is a “16 year old” Chinese gymnast.

Anyone who has shopped in Hong Kong has appreciated the Chinese ability to make a good fake, but COME ON.  Their BIRTH CERTIFICATES?

Oh, and by the way, am I the only one who finds Bob Costas to be tiresome?

Anyhow, God Bless America.  I can’t wait for your analysis!

More Idol Backstage Pictures

David Johns, the Australian contestant.

David Archuleta up close and personal after the L.A. concert.

One of many side hugs of the night for David Cook. A fan has scribbled a message on his fedora.

Backstage at American Idol

Through our special correspondents in L.A., we have been privileged to bring you inside peeks at Hollywood. The latest pictures come from The Train (my sister and new sister-in-law to the dazzling newlywed Kirsten). The Train attended the American Idol concert last night and got one of 100 backstage passes. It helped that The Train’s concert companion is good friends with Brooke White and her husband. Behold, your Idols!

The tweens went crazy for David Archuleta. I still maintain he should have won.

Jason Castro is still hanging onto his dreads.

Brooke White sang “Let it Be.”

Jason Castro and Paula Abdul greet fans after the show.

Hanging out with beautiful Brooke backstage.

David Cook backstage after the concert.

Not pictured but extremely nice was Carly Smithson and her very tattooed husband.

The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 8: La Revolución

I’m going to be a little presumptuous here, possibly trespassing on Massimo’s turf, but I wanted to outline a few things that I don’t think have any place in our society after The Revolution:

• Bathtub Cheese: Not much can be said about this.
• The Jonas Brothers: These three skinny-pants wearing brats are terrible singers. I’ve had to sit through them twice now, on two different reality results shows, and I don’t like them, at all, yet the Disney machine has thrust, thrust them upon us. At least they appear to be playing instruments.
• Skinny Jeans on women: Sorry. They don’t look good on anyone. They actually do make your butt look big. They are like this fluffy little skirts that always seem to be worn by girls with more generous proportions and that also fail to flatter 99% of the wearers. 
• Ear gauging: It never fails to give me the heebie jeebies.
• Che Guevara and anything having to do with him.
• Progressive Income Taxes
• Mandatory participation in Social Security

This is far from exhaustive. Share your thoughts below. We’ll talk about what will be part of the Revolution in a later post.

A Step Behind

As a blog that brought you a behind-the-scenes look at the set of National Treasure at Mount Vernon, it would have only been suiting that we do the same for the next Transformers.  But, alas, it was not to be.  On Friday I took my kids to the National Air and Space Museum (Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center).  Our $12 parking fee was waived because we were told DreamWorks LLC had everyone covered that day.  Half of the museum was blocked off for filming and since my son was getting “shh’ed” by DreamWorks staff during filming, we took off to the non-Hollywood half so as to not disrupt.

Figuring that it was a non-cartoon film for DreamWorks, I didn’t think it was a big film. I also didn’t recognize the three actors we saw from 50 yards away.  Come to find out the next day in the paper that it was Shia LeBoeuf and Megan Fox and that Shia was merrily signing autographs inbetween takes.

So close yet so far away.