Stuff My Mom Won’t Touch – Part I

A while ago I decided I would post about things that my thankfully hygiene-focused mother would never touch, at least not before a thorough cleaning.

As I was retiring my old phone for a new one, I realized that I had not posted these two excellent examples from the St. Augustine tourist shops.

You might recognize the handshake machine and the fortune teller palm thing.

Yep. She’d never touch these. And good for her.

BSA Fashion Decisions

When faced with the possibility of wearing these pants…

or these skippy mail lady shorts…

do you opt for the Carol Brady culottes or try and improve the ill-fitting pants and shorts?

Not unlike the tailoring Shelley Long’s character demanded in Troop Beverly Hills….

In the midst of this fashion crisis, I take comfort in knowing Oscar de la Renta felt the pain of female Scouters everywhere when he rolled out his line of  silk Boy Scouts of America scarves.  Thank you, Oscar, for your thoughts at this time.

Separated at Birth

I know I’m not the first one that has mentioned this, but I thought it worth linking to. Everytime I see a Pepsi I am little bit disturbed.

The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 15: A Requiem

This post truly is a lamentation. I lament the fall of greatness, a fall that seems premature given the potential already demonstrated by this man, Vince, the marketer of the marvelous ShamWow.

It is alleged that Vince, full name Vince Shlomi (Mazel tov!), was in a violent confrontation with a purported prostitute. After coming to terms on their arrangement it seems the woman bit Vince’s tongue and refused to let go. He hit her, many times as some pictures I won’t link to show, and he fled to the lobby of his posh South Beach hotel to summon security.

This is a most unsavory turn of events. Clearly Billy Mays now holds the high ground in the InfoWars.

What other shining stars have fallen ignominously due to ill-thought ventures?

• The one-and-only Paul Reubens (see this if necessary)
• The great Wesley Snipes

Who makes your list of star-crossed personalities?

The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 13: InfoWars!

I just read this post about the rivalry of Billy Mays and Vince Offer. Mays is well known for his enthusiastic pitchman skills and Offer was profiled in an earlier Chapter on this blog.

Vince’s latest success comes from the “SlapChop,” a knockoff of the “Quickchop.” Vince’s product seems superior for the very reason he claims in the video below. We received a QuickChop as a wedding gift but threw it away after a while because it was impossible to clean. The miraculous SlapChop seems to solve that problem.

Whatever the merits of the product, Vince can sell. Watch the pitch if you want- “You’re gonna love my nuts”

Can you possibly think anything but that this infomercial war is good for America? In an age of commodization and consolidation these video warriors may be a YouTube-era VHS and Betamax, battling their way into and out of our homes. In their coming we will find promise and hope. In their going deliveries of Shamwows and Oxy-Clean.

Oh brave new world.

Guest Post: I don’t normally do this, but…

I do normally eat lunch at Costco. Pizza, soda, churro for like 18 cents. How can you go wrong? I especially love the days when the churros come fresh out of the industrial sized oven. I like watching each individual churro get tossed in a vat of cinnamon sugar. I think it should be sinnamon. Anyways. Today in line with three of my homies, an objectively charming young lass walked up behind us. She was apparently quite fetching to the single men. One found her so magnetizing that he was drawn across the food court and compelled to confess to her…

“I don’t normally do this in line at Costco.”

He then handed her his card, courteously supplying her with his cellular number and email address. One of my friends burst out laughing and asked her what she thought as the guy walked away. She raised her wedding band and replied, “It helps to have a husband.”

And if I know this type of bold boy like I think I do, he’s asking himself, “Yeah, but is she that married?”

-mikel

‘Tis the Season for Friendship & Strongly Worded Letters

LeMare has always been a fiercely loyal and protective friend. After rooming with my older sister at BYU, she quickly became friends with every single member of my family. From Krispy Kreme camp outs in Orem to all-you-can-eat brunches in Wisconsin, LeMare became a part of our family fabric and a trusted advisor in uncertain situations. When my younger sister was faced with a school decision, LeMare wisely doled out the following letter to her 13-year old pal (unearthed just today from the archives):

10/24/01

Ween,

JL tells me of your desire to attend boarding school in McLean. I will have none of this. Do you understand how adversely this would affect your mother? Oh, Ween, it would be devastating. Plus, you’ll live with all sorts of weird kids who aren’t members of the church and there wll be peer pressure and before you know it, all your friends are little hellions like Dwighto’s were in high school.

Additionally, you were not meant to eat cafeteria food. Do you know what they put in Meatloaf and Salisbury Steak? Neither do I, Ween, neither do I. And your special meal of the week would be Chicken Cordon Bleu from a frozen little package. And the pie would be nothing other thn instant pudding mix thrown in a pre-made graham cracker crust…Try, if you will, to comprehend the repercussions after a meal of deep fried chicken and broccoli from the freezer. I don’t wish to further explore the associated tragedy!

Anyhow, there are numerous reasons why I think you should stay at home (live in your nice house where your mother cooks lovely meals and parents go to fine restaurants regularly). Oh, think of subjecting yourself to dorm life at such a vulnerable age.think about not being able to take a shower without wearing flip-flops.  Think about how tiny and sparsely decorated your room will be. Then think about Chez Vous. Ours are the only feet in your shower. And your room is decorated in the finest of tastes, no doubt. Ween, there is no reasonable explanationfor inflicting this malarchy on me and your family.

Sincerely,

LeMare

Take On Me “Literal” Music Video

For those craving a little eighties this week…

Let There Be No More Doubt

Clay Aiken’s made an announcement on the cover of People magazine.

State of the Union

I thought you might be interested to know what are the most popular IRF posts over the past year. Something tells me that our top post has more to do with people searching for costumes to wear than agreeing with the intent of that post.

We also seem to like divorce, American Idol, and beef.

Top Posts for 365 days ending 2008-09-18 (Summarized)

Summarize: 7 Days 30 Days Quarter Year All Time

2007-09-19 to Today

Title	Views
Slutty Halloween	3,533
The Worst Story You’ve Ever Heard	2,505
Waiting to exhale — because the corset’	1,800
Backstage at American Idol	1,569
The Bridesmaid Contract	1,402
Salads	1,310
Palin’s the Pick	1,203
Life is short. Get a divorce.	1,074
Divorce Ad on Wheels.	1,053
Main Courses: Beef	1,003