LeMare’s Tacky Superbowl Party

It only comes but once a year.  Every other time in my home, I try to offer delicious and tasteful food.  But on Superbowl Sunday, there is no tolerance for class.  Tasty, but NEVER tasteful.  That’s right, this year was my 2nd Annual Tacky Superbowl Party, and we outdid ourselves, and the improvements were more than just my TV!

How do you THROW a tacky superbowl party?

Start with balloons.  Add a couple mylar, if possible.  Crepe paper also decked every doorway, naturally.

Everyone loves the mylar

On the menu?  Bacon flavored easy cheese.  Bagel Bites.  Jose Ole Mini Tacos.  Mini Corndogs (one guest said “they went down so smooth”).  And the piece de resistance?  A guacamole dip football stadium.  It was something special

So tacky, we could afford Hebrew National upgrade

Thematic M&Ms? Check. Football chip bowl? check, check.

Not gonna lie. Bagel bites stole the show

Jose Ole has NEVER let me down.

piece de resistance? Guacamole Football Statdium. And yes, the goal posts are slim jims and the stands are twinkies and chips.

Yes, you see that right, there IS a twinkie on his plate.

Has there ever been a plate, in the history of time, that has the same items on it?  Bagel bite, meatballs, velveeta/chili dip, pig in a blanket, 7-layer brownie, and, naturally, a twinkie.  The man holding this plate was the eating MVP, BY FAR.  He declared this to be one of his Top 10 Nights EVER.  He also said, “If I die tonight, please know that I die a happy man.”

You should probably be buying flights to San Francisco for my party next year.  It’ll be a fête.

I Spy an Ex-Apprentice Contender

Nothing like the Lakers to bring out the greatest reality TV villain of all time. It’s been years since Omarosa was on The Apprentice, but that didn’t stop me from still feeling mad at her for that one task where she claimed to have a concussion after a chip of plaster hit her head.

Getting the evil eye for my paparazzi skills.

Yep, it’s definitely her.

Now, onto some more shady interesting characters. Here we have Kobe Bryant on the floor.

To the right of Kobe’s right elbow, there are three Redskins players in the front row. White men most likely answering to the name Chet made a habit of running up to them at every time out to talk game.

Gilbert Arenas, the star of our humble local team, may be out for the season but it doesn’t stop him from dressing in this early 20th century banker’s ensemble.

Michael Wilbon, Washington Post columnist and Pardon the Interruption host.

This might explain why the Wizards haven’t been winning much these days.

They are too busy checking out the Kiss Cam.

Meltdown

Once again, the Chicago Cubs choked in the post season.  Am I disappointed?  Absolutely?  Am I surprised?  Not really.  I’m used to it.  Part of being a Cubs fan is accepting the curse.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the ways of the Cubs, let me explain the Curse.  First of all, the Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908.  The Cubs enjoyed success until 1945.  The Cubs were in the World series playing the Detroit Tigers.  The owner of the Billy Goat Tavern, a Greek Immigrant named Billy Sianis, bought two tickets.  One for himself, and one for his Billy Goat, Murphy.  Upon entering the park, people were complaining about the smell, and Mr. Sianis appealed to the owner of the Cubs, P.K. Wrigley, who ordered that the goat was not welcome.  At this point, Billy Sianis, RAISED HIS ARMS and pronounced this curse:  “The Cubs ain’t gonna win no more. The Cubs will never win a World Series so long as the goat is not allowed in Wrigley Field.” The Cubs choked in that World Series and after they were swept at home the next year, at which point, Billy sent Mr. Wrigley a note that said, “Who stinks now?”

Cubs fans are used to this, but it’s starting to hurt to always say, “Next year will be our year.”  After witnessing this post season against the Dodgers, even the least superstitious among us can’t help but remember the curse.  Alas, being a Cubs fan means you don’t know success, and you are CONSTANTLY hoping for the future.  “Someday we’ll go all the way”

Which brings me to our musical selection to commemorate this event.  Eddie Vedder, the lead singer of Pearl Jam, is a Cubs fan and once met Ernie Banks.  Mr. Banks didn’t know who Vedder was, but when he learned he was a musician, he asked him to write a song about the Cubs.  And as Eddie explained at the concert, “When Ernie banks tells you to write a song, YOU WRITE A SONG!”

Olympic Fever

So, IRF has been on a little posting sabbatical as we have all been mesmerized by the Olympic Games (I can’t imagine what kind of effect the games are having on SportsAttitude).

I wanted to share some of my thoughts, and please add your own in the comments section.

1) Are we sure Mary Carillo has two x-chromosomes?  Here is a conversation a friend and I had:

F:  Mary Carillo admitted to taking testosterone for years.

LM:  That would explain the pantsuits.

F:  And the attraction to Billie Jean King.

.

2) The magical swimsuits that are helping everyone beat world records…  The doctor friend had the quote of the day on this one:  “Did you hear that they take up to 30 minutes to put on?  Apparently they come off easily, though, because as soon as Michael Phelps is out of the pool, he’s got it down so low, I could check for hernias.”

3) Beach Volleyball.  HOW DID THE BIGGEST T&A SPORT OF THE OLYMPICS TAKE THE PRIME TIME SLOT?  The schedulers at NBC ought to be shot (and in China, they probably WOULD be).  Why do I have to wait until 11pm to watch gymnastics?  That’s what all the kids want to see, and yet, it is on well past ALL of our bedtimes…  so the Children of America are forced to think that olympic games are about flat-chested women playing volleyball in bikinis.  And hugging between every point.  And the BELGIANS.  They should have selected a tasteful tank and boyshort.  If Olympians can have belly-rolls, is there hope for the rest of us?

4) Chinese gymnasts.  I REALIZE that gymnastics stunts your maturation process.  Once upon a time, I was among the stunted.  However, despite my lack of puberty, I did still manage to lose my BABY TEETH!  Here is a 16 year old before puberty sets in:

LeMare - 1995

Here is a “16 year old” Chinese gymnast.

Anyone who has shopped in Hong Kong has appreciated the Chinese ability to make a good fake, but COME ON.  Their BIRTH CERTIFICATES?

Oh, and by the way, am I the only one who finds Bob Costas to be tiresome?

Anyhow, God Bless America.  I can’t wait for your analysis!

Major League Baseball or Homeless Soccer?

Tonight I face a true dilemma. Do I attend the Nationals/Orioles game in the District as planned or do I make the Homeless USA Cup? Over 100 homeless soccer players across the country travel to D.C. to play in the Cup and the best players move on to the Homeless World Cup in Australia.

This whole thing is quite perplexing. If these homeless soccer extraordinnaires can focus hard enough to get to the USA Cup, why can’t they hold down a job? It rings of an Adam Sandler movie plot. The nonprofit funding this endeavor makes it clear they’re trying to help the players out of homelessness, but isn’t this a really roundabout way of doing that?

Happy Opening Day!

I just was finishing my playlist named “My First Love” that has songs like “Go Cubs Go” and “A Dying Cubs Fan’s Last Request” and “When The Cubs go Marching In” and “The Night Chicago Died.”

I’ll be at the Cubs-Giants game in SF on June 30th.  Hey Chicago, what do you say, the Cubs are gonna win today!

Except, they didn’t… win today.

Miller Monday – The MNBA

Last week while listening to the radio on the way home from work I heard a story that caught my attention.  Some really smart guy believes that 25% of all Republican woman will vote for Hillary because she is a woman.  There has also been a lot of similar jibber jabber over Obama.  Some people are really excited at the prospect of seeing America’s first Black African American president.  Inside the Mormon community there has been a lot of hub bub over the fact that Mitt Romney could be the first Mormon president.  Believe it or not I have actually heard a talk show host talking about how exciting it would be if Rudy Giuliani won because he would be the first Italian American president.  It really got me thinking, is that why we vote for someone?  I can’t tell what world I am living in when someone decides to support one candidate over another because, well, we haven’t had one of those yet.  This has been very perplexing to me.  As I drove home from work I let me mind relax as I tried to imagine what kind world my children are going to be living in.

My mind wandered back to a rather humorous little bit I read on close IRF friend Sportsattitude’s page about the longevity of the WNBA.  For those of you who have no idea what that is, don’t worry, you are in the majority.  Several years ago a bunch of people decided that it was unfair that the NBA was a fairly entertaining sport with only male athletes.  My guess is some female Republican Hillary Clinton supporters thought, “Hey, we need a national basketball association for women because, well, we don’t really have one.”  Forget about ratings, forget about public interest, forget about how lame the concept is, we don’t have one and so for that reason alone we need one.  Hence the WNBA was born.  No one actually watches it but that is beside the point.  The league is heavily subsidized by its male counterpart and attendance levels resemble a Chumbawumba reunion concert.  The teams have names that closely resemble the NBA teams of the area.  For example, the Detroit Pistons play along side the Detroit Shock.  The Houston Rockets share court with the Houston Comets.  The San Antonio Spurs play along side the San Antonio Silver Stars. Etc, etc.

This, my friends, is the world we live in.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that no one vote for Hillary Clinton.  Far from it.  If you are a Socialist, please, by all means vote for Hillary Clinton.  Be my guest.  That is your right.  But for the sake of my sanity please do not vote for her because she is a woman.  Please.  Seriously. Please.  This is about your principles.  At least pretend that the reason you voted for her was because you wanted a health care system that functions like the DMV.  Again, this is about principles.  If you have any.

But now that I know how the American public functions I would like to introduce a new concept to you.  In the interest of supporting something new simply because we dont have it yet…. 

You’ve seen the NBA. 

    
You’ve seen the WNBA. 

 

But you haven’t seen anything like the MNBA.

 

Hello world, its time for the Midget Basketball Association of America.  Come on everyone.  Join the fun.  Finally a league for the littlest basketball players you have ever seen.  They’re tiny.  They are adorable.  They are midgets.  Yee haw.  I’m sure you will all love the following teams with their “bigger” brother NBA teams:

The New York Knicks introduces the “Knee High Knickerbockers”

The Boston Celtics welcome the “Boston Little People” (Said in an Irish brogue)

The Los Angeles Lakers and the “Los Angeles Little Lakers”

The Orlando Magic and the “Orlando the Mini Magic”

“The Minnesota Timberwolves” welcome the “Minnesota Tiny Timbercubs”

The San Antonio Spurs introduce the “San Antonio Spuritos”

The Denver Nuggets want to bring along the “Denver Nuggets” (No change necessary)

And the Chicago Bulls welcome the “Chicago Calves”

 We are also considering a few expansion teams:

The Sacramento Kings – The “Sacramento Burger King Kids Meals”

The Washington Wizards – The “Washington Hogwarts Kids”

Five on five, all midget basketball action, in your face.  Get that OUT OF THE KITCHEN!  They play with regular sized balls on regular 10 foot rims.  STUFF’D!  Sixty minutes of hard-core midget b-ball to make your heart race and your blood boil.  WHO’S YOUR DADDY!

I know you will all support this great idea because we definitely do not currently have a midget basketball league. I have also called dibs on the MNFL because that would be adorable to see little midgets tossing the pigskin around.  I am open for business partners on this endeavor because I haven’t fully thought it out.  However, I will not be copywriting the whole MMLB idea because I think it is dangerous for midgets to be throwing baseballs at each other and because I think it would be difficult for a midget to throw a circle change with their stubby little fingers and everything.

Sincerely,

Joe Miller

Miller Monday – Justice, a Huge Global Farce

This weekend all three teams I was silently cheering on were eliminated from the MLB playoffs.  Not only were they eliminated, they were all swept in three straight games.  The Cubs, who have not won the World Series in 99 friggin’ years, will have to wait one more to get another shot.  But do you know what?  Don’t hold your breath.  I learned something very important this weekend: There is no justice in this world.

I naively once believed in justice but I know chalk that up to sweet teenage innocence.  If you are still living in a Pre-1908 world, it is time to wake up!  We should have realized this a long time ago.  If there was justice in this world OJ, Phil Spector, and Michael Jackson would be making license plates in orange jumpsuits right now and Lou Pinella would be preparing to meet the Diamondbacks.   But there is no justice.  It is merely a myth.

How does this apply to a much larger picture?  I’m glad you asked.  Because there is no justice it’s time to get what you can while you can.  This principle extends to politics.  It’s time to vote for the candidate who promises the most free stuff and forget the consequences.  Free health care? Yep.  Free groceries? Sure.  Free cars and clothes? You bet.  Who cares what it does to everyone’s taxes?  Who cares if someone else is left with the bill?  If we had to pay for it that would be justice and there is no such thing.

This principle extends to academics.  Why in the world should you study for that upcoming exam?  What a waste of time.  Just cheat.  You can get a better score with less work.  Cheating is the best option because hard work and dedication to an art will get you no further than the Cubs in a world where there is no justice.

This principle extends to entertainment.  Go on, watch Rosie O’Donnell.  Who cares if she is a terrible human being?  Who cares if she is Satan-incarnate?  It’s not like there are any consequences for supporting a bad person, right?

This principle extends to marriage.  Just cheat on your spouse.  Do it.  Even if you get caught it won’t matter because nothing will happen to you.  The justice pendulum only swings one way.

Go on, join a terrorist training camp.  THERE IS NO JUSTICE!

You get my point.  The Cubs taught us all an important lesson this weekend.  I hope we all understand the implications of the playoffs this year and that all of you will be following my lead.  I will not be going to work today, and will instead be staying home to eat pudding and watch Law and Order reruns while I laugh my head off.

Regards,

 

Joe Miller

Miller Monday – Hangover

Due to unforeseeable events, Miller Monday will be postponed.  Please check again in the next few days.  We at IRF apologize for this delay and inconvenience and advise you to please visit and the following website:

http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/index.jsp?c_id=chc 

Sincerely, 

Joe Miller

Who’s on The Cubs Side? Who?

Yesterday my Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Los Angeles in Orange County assured their spot in the 2007 MLB post season. After a few cheers and a lengthy celebratory dance I sat down to ponder this wondrous event. But it just felt empty. It does, year after year. The Angeles have a healthy appearance record in the Major League playoffs the past few years and were fortunate enough to win the World Series in 2002. The empty feeling I got yesterday comes from the fact that I feel almost spoiled. I know that sounds ridiculous coming from someone who was raised in Orange County, but it’s true. You see, it stems from the fact that the Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908.

You will recall obnoxious Red Sox fans a few years ago complaining about not having won a world series since 1918. Boo hoo, they had to wait 86 years to win another one. Personally I chalk that 86 year waiting period up to Karma. Yes, Karma. Does the word Chappaquiddick mean anything to you? I’m talking to you Ted Kennedy and all you Bean Towners! Anyways, what is 86 years seems like a fortnight compared to the 99 years it has been since the Cubs have brought home any glory to Wrigley field. Despite having a few problems with a few minor Mafioso’s in the past (I think there was one named Alphonse Capone or something) Chicago has fairly good Karma. So why the 99 year dry spell?

In 1945 the Cubs had a pretty decent chance of capturing a World Series title but failed to do so largely due to the voodoo of a Greek Immigrant. Billy Siannis brought his goat into Wrigley to watch the 1945 World Series. Although the charming couple was initially allowed to enter the park the smell started to bother everyone and both Billy and his goat were asked to leave. Under his breath Mr. Siannis placed some sort of vex on the team which supposedly is used to explain the Cubs’ terrible Karma.

In 2003 the Cubs had another chance of taking it all the way but a few games shy or making it, with their best two pitchers yet to pitch, an over anxious fan interfered with a ball in play and broke the fans hearts yet once again. Last I heard this fan, Steve Bartman, was hitchhiking along Chappaquiddick with a bottle of scotch.

You may be asking yourself, why does this matter? Why should I care? You may not even like baseball. I’m here to tell you that this is about more than just baseball. This is about something much larger than baseball. This is about goodness and decency. In effect, if you do not route for the Cubs to win the World Series you are a bad person. Routing against the Cubs is like routing for Goliath. It is like routing for Apollo Creed. It is like supporting Al Qaeda. It is evil.

I am convinced that if you do not at least hope that the Cubs make it to the playoffs that your soul is lost and will never be fully redeemed. If they make it to the playoffs, if you do not pledge your soul to Lou Pinella you are doomed.

Like me, you may have a hometown team heading to the playoffs this year. All I can say is that you better hope that hometown team does not have to play the Cubs or else you might find yourself in a serious moral conundrum. You wouldn’t support terrorism, would you? Then why would you not support the Cubs?  I would like to nominate the Chicago Cubs as the official MLB baseball team of IRF for the 2007 post season.  Hopefully this does not curse the teams ability to make it to the playoffs and inspire the IRF curse.  If so, we are all doomed.

Sincerely,

Joe Miller