Hey Morons – Free Ipod – Read Below!

April 13, 2007 at 1:03 pm 5 comments

Quick, before you notice that this post was written by Joe Miller and you totally freak out and pull the big blue plug out of the back of the computer and vow to never surf the information superhighway ever again — take a deep breath.  I need you to bear with me.  Your reaction is totally justified.  In fact, if I were in your shoes, there ain’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I would have made it as far as you already have in reading this posting.  For that I applaud you.  I will be candid, there is no ipod at the end of this rainbow.

That was a total lie.  But come on, you had to expect that once you first realized that I was writing this post.  The reason I have posted today is to try and solicit your loyal readership. Now wait!  Before you swallow your tongue and die face down on your keyboard, I need you to trust me for one second.  We all know that I don’t have the best reputation for being a good citizen, or even for being considered a ‘normal’ human being for that matter, and I will be the first to admit that I have done many things that I am not very proud of.  I certainly don’t expect many of you, especially those whose posterity I have forever maimed, to forgive me, and certainly I am not asking you to like me.  I don’t even like myself.  All I am asking is that you put that sniper rifle down for a few brief moments. 

I implore you, come break bread at my table. 

Yes, I am extending a formal invitation to you and to everyone I have offended, everyone I will ever offend, to those who I intended to offend, and to those I whom I had no intention of offending.  I am reaching out to you, person who I mocked, as well as to you, person who never knew that I mocked you.  I herald a message of truce – if only for the blinking of an eye. 

For today is the first, and hopefully far from the last, Miller Monday. 

What is that, you ask?  What in the name of all things holy is a Miller Monday?  I’m so glad you asked.  I am giving you a chance to dive inside my head, to stew in my thoughts, to share my pain, my laughter, and even my joy.  I, Joseph Miller, will be writing a weekly post.  Yes, that is right, on a weekly basis I intend to give you ample reason to never traipse the danger road where I hang my hat.

Every night when you are suckling your children from the paps of goodness you may now weep at the thought that one day your posterity could possibly follow my example.  After reading my weekly blog you will love like you have never loved before.  You will cling to your family.  You will cling to virtue.  You will cling to your sanity like you never have before.  My posting should give you reason to live (in the complete and total opposite way that I do).

Certainly I make no attempts to gain redemption in your eyes.  Those days are long since gone.  My only hope is to share, if only for a brief moment, a glimpse into the mindset of this vagabond that you may or may not know.  Come on ya’ll; let’s make it a Miller Monday.  Give it a shot.  Other than severe chronic depression and persistent chest and heart pain, what would be the harm?

Yours truly,

Joe Miller


Entry filed under: Miller Monday.

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. JL  |  April 13, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    One one Miller Monday in the future, I would personally enjoy some video footage of the Cinnamon Tree band. Did you guys have a name?

    Also, our sweet-smelling blog doesn’t really have fixed in stone rules, so Miller Mondays can happen whenever you want them to… post away, persistent chest and heart pain from readers and all.

  • 2. lemare  |  April 13, 2007 at 3:00 pm

    Oh blessed occasion! Welcome, J. Donald! We look forward to each and every one of your gems!

  • 3. Joe Lowry  |  April 13, 2007 at 4:31 pm

    Nice work. The pictures are a great touch. I look forward to reading Miller Monday, and if it does occur on a day other than Monday I strongly urge you to continue calling it Miller Monday, after all, the Spanish Phrase of the Day is often very little Spanish and definitely not daily.
    Nice work to the ladies too. Glad that your esoteric banter can continue as in days of old.

  • 4. TommyBoy  |  April 13, 2007 at 8:12 pm

    I want my I-Pod. I’m never reading this Miller dude again. I feel deceived–kind of how Eddie Murphy must have felt when he picked up the tranny—oh wait, he only acted shocked. Nevermind.

  • 5. Lindsay  |  April 13, 2007 at 8:25 pm

    Those little Muppets are truly disturbing. Alas, Miller Monday was a fabulous addition to my Friday the Thirteenth.


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