Miller Monday – The Opiate of the Masses

April 24, 2007 at 1:27 pm 10 comments

Have you ever wanted to make your very own Lifetime Original Movie but thought you never could?  Well now is your chance!  With my simple 4 step program you will be able to create movies just as exciting and ‘Original’ as your favorite Lifetime classics!

Step 1

You need to find a washed up 80’s actress, preferably someone who has not worked in at least 15 years.   Your choices range from Valerie Bertinelli to Becca from Life Goes On.     Make sure that she still has some charm although she is likely 20-30 pounds heavier.  You may want to add glasses.  That seems to help.  She should be both a successful business women and mother, top of her game.

Step 2

Choose a subject matter that is offensive and stupid.  Make sure that it is something that some people are forced to deal with although nobody certainly wants to.  Some sample choices include:

  • Addiction to Prescription medication
  • Rape
  • Child abuse
  • Divorce
  • Death/murder

Choosing the right subject matter is your path to dramatic gold.

Step 3

Chose an antagonist who is a man.  This is critical.  If at all possible he should be an attractive man who are heroine falls in love with but turns out to be the source of all her drama, ie, addiction to prescription medication, rape, child abuse, divorce, or death.

Step 4

Watch the magic unfold.

There is a name to my pain, and it is the Lifetime Original Movie.  I am completely and totally aware that I am about to isolate all three of the women who actually might peruse through my postings on a weekly basis, but please I beg of you, hear me out.  Both my wife and my mother are amongst you.  That means some of the most important people in my life share your same disease.  I come with a syringe full of hope.  Tomorrow is a brighter day.

I used to come home from work to see my wife glued to some two-bit Lifetime Original Movie on a regular basis.  As I pulled into the drive way I could feel the cold weepy mood emanating from the cracks beneath our doors and out of our window panes.  Before even entering the room, I could smell the half-eaten carton of Ben and Jerry’s and I could literally feel the burn of cheap tissue underneath my tear ducts.  I wonder what my neighbors must think.  I fear for my posterity.  I don’t want my son to approach me one day and ask me, “Daddy what is wrong with Mommy.”  Yes, my wife shares your addiction.

Before you accuse me of not knowing what I am talking about, I have sat down on occasion to see what on earth my beloved could possibly be watching.  I solemnly testify that every second I sat there, gazing at the retardo-box made my Mr. Y Chromosome feel like he was dying inside.  I now know that such programming is not good for anyone, male or female, old or young, bond or free, black or white, etc. 

In hopes of weaning any of you who are suffering off of these movies I have provided a sample mad lib for you to try out.  It is to be used just like nicotine gum.  You might need to use it 3 or 4 times a day initially, but with time you should be able to reduce your usage until you are able to make it a full day with out some mundane drama in your life.

script.doc

And please, don’t lose hope.

Yours truly,

Joe Miller

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Entry filed under: Lifetime TV, Miller Monday.

A Sitting Duck Mullet A tiara, a sash, and a Colt 45?

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mike  |  April 24, 2007 at 2:43 pm

    A.I.D.S. Alley

    Claire, a successful mother and CEO of Midol is just finishing a very successful board meeting. She then meets her brand new assistant Dick. They seem to hit it off and he invites her to a business dinner at the finest restaurant in town, Chez Saucee. One thing leads to another and they end up spending the night together. Claire confides in her best friend Patrice, who decides to do a little research on Mr. Boyfriend. Meanwhile, the romance goes on with fun-filled trips to Prague. After a little bit of digging, best friend discovers that boyfriend is really into the systematic genocide of the Jeish race. Not only that, he forces Claire in to doing it as well. Best friend comes to rescue but it is too late, boyfriend has carried her off to Corona. At the last minute Claire has to kill the boyfriend to protect her life.

    The End.

    That was fun.

    Reply
  • 2. JL  |  April 25, 2007 at 4:09 pm

    Only now did I just see you provided us with such a handy script for our Lifetime masterpieces. Well done, Joe. Well done.

    Reply
  • 3. Joe Lowry  |  April 25, 2007 at 4:49 pm

    Feces Alley

    Deidre , a successful mother and CEO of Empowerment.com Incorporated is just finishing a very successful board meeting. She then meets her brand new assistant T-bone. They seem to hit it off and he invites her to a business dinner at the finest restaurant in town, Chez Kandahar.
    One thing leads to another and they end up spending the night together. Deidre confides in her best friend Meaegan, who decides to do a little research on Mr. Boyfriend. Meanwhile, the romance goes on with fun-filled trips to Sarajevo.
    After a little bit of digging, best friend discovers that boyfriend is really into pooping in public. Not only that, he forces obsessive-compulsive patients into doing it as well. Meaegan comes to rescue but it is too late, boyfriend has carried her off to the sewage treatmant plant. At the last minute Deidre has to kill the boyfriend to protect her life (and her designer outfit).

    The End.

    Reply
  • 4. Tawny  |  April 26, 2007 at 10:22 am

    Brutality Alley

    Beatrice (played by the indominable Kim Fields from the Facts of Life), a successful mother and CEO of Brawnco Inc. is just finishing a very successful board meeting. She then meets her brand new assistant Drew. They seem to hit it off and he invites her to a business dinner at the finest restaurant in town, Chez Toupee.
    One thing leads to another and they end up spending the night together. Beatrice confides in her best friend Melody, who decides to do a little research on Mr. Boyfriend. Meanwhile, the romance goes on with fun-filled trips to Oslo.
    After a little bit of digging, best friend discovers that boyfriend is really into abortion. Not only that, he forces Beatrice in to doing it as well. Best Friend comes to rescue but it is too late, boyfriend has carried her off to a meat locker. At the last minute Beatrice has to kill the boyfriend to protect her life.

    The End.

    Reply
  • 5. lemare  |  April 26, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    I want to list my favorite Lifetime leading ladies:

    Jacqueline Smith
    Joanna Kerns
    Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
    Lindsay Wagner
    Olivia Newton-John
    Sally Struthers
    Kellie Martin
    Roma Downey
    Connie Sellecca
    Linda Hamilton
    Faith Ford

    I could go all day…

    Reply
  • 6. lemare  |  April 26, 2007 at 2:43 pm

    Bludgeon Alley

    Jane Bayer (played by Annie Potts), a successful mother and CEO of her own veterinary practice, A Cause for Paws, is just finishing a very successful board meeting. She then meets her brand new assistant Patch (As played by David Hasselhoff). They seem to hit it off and he invites her to a business dinner at the finest restaurant in town, Chez Pedro (the local Mexi-French fusion restaurant that has better reviews than Casa Pierre). One thing leads to another and they end up spending the night together. Jane confides in her best friend Pilar (portrayed by Amy Grant), who decides to do a little research on Patch. Meanwhile, the romance goes on with fun-filled trips to James Blunt Concerts in Helsinki. After a little bit of digging, Pilar discovers that boyfriend is really into clubbing baby seals for pelts. Not only that, he forces Jane in to doing it as well. Pilar comes to rescue but it is too late, Patch has carried her off to The Green Zone in Baghdad. At the last minute Jane has to kill the Patch to protect her life.

    The End.

    Reply
  • 7. Amy Miller  |  May 7, 2007 at 10:48 pm

    As the BETTER, other half of Joe I just wanted to make one thing clear about his statement of me eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. No respectable “909” er could ever afford that delectable treat ; especially on the salary her husband makes. Oh no, I was waiting through an entire bucket of Bon-bons THANK you! You girls know what I mean.

    Reply
  • […] of the complexity of life and relationships without being patronizing to the viewer, unlike anything that Lifetime produces. Amid the glitzy blockbuster sequels that have ignited the summer box office, The Waitress coyly […]

    Reply
  • 9. nunya  |  July 9, 2007 at 12:43 am

    joe miller, you have no clue what youre talking about. these movies on lifetime give women hope for better futures and allow us to know that we aren’t the only ones that have ever had to go through that. they are also interesting. we (us women) dont get on you men about watching your stupid sports or from the way you write/sound to ME, get on you about reading your stupid brainy books. let us have OUR thing…we’ll let you have yours. this world is intended to have a lot of very different people…please don’t try to instill your negativity in us. thanks.

    Reply
  • 10. TIA  |  March 14, 2008 at 2:46 am

    For such an intellectual, one would imagine that you would understand the root of the human desire to watch this sort of thing. One can know that it is bad television…. but, film/movies (in this case) conjures up certain feelings in us that we want to have in our lives and are typically, at that time, missing. I would suggest you engage your wife in some witty conversation once in a while instead of writing on this blog with your spare time. It seems, perhaps she is looking to feel better about her own mundane existence…. or looking for some spark and drama that you are obviously not providing. Perhaps next time you are at the bookstore, you might want to pick up some literature on the human condition….. because, I truly believe that you are not as intelligent as you are projecting…… that you Sir, are an arrogant poser and certainly no gentleman.

    Reply

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