Miller Monday – Saving the World, One Loser at a Time
Yesterday, my curiosity got the best of me. I have been toying with the idea of trading in my loyal 2001 Nissan Sentra for some time, and having some time to kill I decided to check out my local Toyota dealership. Little did I know I was about to venture into very dangerous territory. I was immediately greeted by a salesman named Scott. Now even if I were able to ignore his shaved head, earrings, and a visible wrist tattoo (tribal design – nuff said), Scott would still not be the type of individual with whom I would associate, let alone accept car advice. I congenially extended my hand at his offer (although later I literally baptized it twice with hand sanitizer) and greeted him with my name and intention of only checking out what was available. Apparently to Scott, this meant that I am the perfect candidate for a hybrid car. Scott then gave me his 50 cent sales pitch which went on to cover the fact that hybrids get great gas mileage and the fact that you can drive solo in the car pool lane. Both great things. Unfortunately Scott lost me with his attempt at convincing me that I was saving the planet by buying his ugly car. He claimed that buying a hybrid is our ‘eco-responsibility’. I think what Scott was implying was that that if I was to buy his strange looking Toyota Prius, that not only would I be a savvy consumer, but I would be a great humanitarian. Scott was appealing to my smug inner nature. “Wow Scott, do you mean that if I buy your car, I am a national hero? Can I pat myself on the back? If I buy your car, can I be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize?” Unfortunately for Scott, what he failed to realize, is that I LOVE global warming.
How can I not?
Correct me if I am wrong, but geologically speaking, haven’t we just emerged from an ice age? A friggin’ ice age, people! Do you have any idea how cold an ice age is? Let me get this straight, I’m supposed to stop using gasoline, only buy recycled paper, and wipe with one square of toilet paper per day, and then after all doing all of that, I get to wear a parka to bed. No thank you.
Can you imagine what it must have been like for our ancestors marching along on the frozen tundra, spearing wooly mammoths, just trying to get warm? I gladly thank Fred Flintstone for firing up the old BBQ and releasing some carbon based pollution into our atmosphere. If it wasn’t for our frozen cavemen ancestors we would be eating snow cones for breakfast lunch and dinner. This brings me to another point;
Question Number 1: How many fruits and vegetables like to grow in cold icy climates?
Question Number 2: How many fruits and vegetables like to grow in hot temperate climates?
Answer: Only the most tasty and delicious ones!
I guess what I am saying is that when faced with the alternative Global Warming is heavenly! There is a reason that I live in California and not in
Antarctica! For those of you who want to keep the planet nice and cold, I advise that you move to
Canada. We’ve seen what excessive cold has done to those people. I only pray that the bitter cold doesn’t do the same to you.
In conclusion, you may be asking yourself, well, did you buy the car, or didn’t you? The answer is no. I am now looking for something that guzzles a lot more gasoline. I leave saving the world up to hippies like Scott with his goatee, piercing and tats. It’s funny that the same people who treat their body like a bathroom stall at Kentucky Fried Chicken feel the moral capacity to advise me on saving the planet. Go figure.
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