A Tribute to the Golden Girls

April 28, 2007 at 7:17 pm 9 comments

Each Golden Girl fan has identified his or her own personal Golden Girl.  I had a few college roommates who used to fight over who got to be Blanche (Rue McLanahan).  No one ever campaigned for the title of Rose (Betty White), but the Roses among us are always all too obvious.  I have the utmost appreciation for Dorothy (Bea Arthur).  My heart, however, will always belong to Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty). 

 

Everything I need to know in life, I learned from The Golden Girls.  My education blessedly continues every time I tune into Lifetime, Television for Women.  Out of the mercy of my heart, today I share with you the important life lessons that I have learned from the quotations of Dorothy, Sophia, Blanche, and Rose.

Birth:

Dorothy: [the girls visit a birthing center] What kind of idiot would want to give birth here?
Rose: This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

Game Show Host: For one hundred dollars, complete this famous phrase: “Better late than…”
Blanche: Pregnant!
Game Show Host: No, Blanche, that’s incorrect… though not entirely untrue.

Death:

Dorothy: We’re here to pay for a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, the three of you planning ahead for mother?
Sophia: [walks a little bit closer] Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

Religion/Spirituality:

Blanche: I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man!… in a library… on a Saturday… unless he’s cute… and drives a nice car… Amen 

Rose: Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away!
[Sophia leans on the fridge with her eyes closed]
Dorothy: Ma, what’s wrong?
Sophia: Nothing. I’m just trying to make Rose go away.

Parenting:

Blanche: I’ll give you anything. I’ll give you one of my sons.
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: Dorothy, I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve had 3 sons, I’ve never had a Mercedes. Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don’t take Skippy, he’s got asthma.

Beauty/Makeup tips:

Blanche: We just rented that movie Aliens, it scared us half to death.
Sophia: I found it scary too. That Sigourney Weaver is a sweet girl but she really shouldn’t go without makeup.
 

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don’t wear too much makeup.

Fashion/Dressing for any occasion:

Sophia: Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.

Dieting:

Dorothy: [to Sophia] You’re a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

Food/Cooking:

Sophia: If this sauce were a person, I’d get naked and make love to it. 

Rose: Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?
Sophia: [Sophia holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it’ll hurt less!

TV/Film:

Rose: I just found out I’m the most boring on Earth.
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
 

Rose: I wonder what kind of movie this is…
[Off-camera sounds of woman screaming in horror and roaring chainsaw]
Dorothy: It’s a musical, Rose.
 

Dorothy: I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche: I hate watching what this is doing to you.
Rose: I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginnings of rented videotapes.

Politics:

Sophia: I hate communists.
Dorothy: Of course Ma, that’s because you were raised a fascist.

Foreign Relations:

Blanche: Oh girls… I’m just in ecstasy. My body is tingling all over. You will never guess what just happened.
Sophia: We know what happened. Let us just guess what part of the
Middle East he’s from.

Literature:

Blanche: I have writer’s block. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
 

Dorothy: Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister’s novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

Comforting friends in their time of need:

Rose: How long were Jean and Pat married?
Dorothy: I think about eight years.
Rose: I wish there was something I could do… I know! I’ll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.
Dorothy: Wow, Rose, if that doesn’t fill the void, nothing will.

Personal grooming: 

Rose: Blanche, did you really start shaving at eleven? That seems so young!
Blanche: Oh, I did it on a dare. You know, back where I come from, everybody thought that once you started shaving your legs, why, you’d become loose. So I shaved ’em!
Rose: What happened?
Blanche: Oh, it was an old wives’ tale. I didn’t become loose for another year and a half.

Dorothy: Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I’d never be able to stop. I mean, she said I’d regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.
Sophia: I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees! 
 

Blanche: You know, a lot of those European girls don’t shave under their arms.
Rose: Is that true?
Blanche: They just let it all hang out.
Rose: Really?
Blanche: Bushy as can be.
Rose: Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?
Dorothy: Like Milton Berle. 
 

Rose: When men see that you shave your legs above the knee, what does that say to them?
Blanche: Hopefully it says, ‘”Touch my leg!”
Dorothy: That’s in case they miss the tattoo that says the same.

Cherishing Old Friends:

Dorothy: Ma, do you remember Helen Kolquist?
Sophia: Was she that tremendously fat woman with a wooden leg and a totally hairless cat named Cincinnati Jake?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: Then I don’t remember.

I encourage all of you homage by leaving comments with some of YOUR favorite Golden Girls quotes. 

 

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Entry filed under: Commentary, LeMare's Posts, Lifetime TV, Television.

Miller Monday – Saving the World, One Loser at a Time I Can Hear You Now Part I

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. JL  |  April 28, 2007 at 8:47 pm

    {STANDING OVATION FROM NORTHERN VIRGINIA}!

    Okay, some of my favorites:

    Digging through the past:
    Dorothy:Rose, I know that this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?

    Dealing with rejection:
    Blanche: I’ve been rejected once.
    Dorothy: From who?
    Blanche: Weight Watchers… for being too thin.

    Tight Pants:
    Blanche: I’m wound up tighter than a girdle on a Baptist minister’s wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

    Reply
  • 2. Lowdogg  |  April 29, 2007 at 8:37 am

    All I can say is, WOW.

    I must have missed out the Girls. I did read an article some years ago about their popularity among twentysomething women.

    Fascinating.

    Reply
  • 3. lemare  |  April 29, 2007 at 9:56 am

    As emailed to me by a loyal reader:

    Blanche is the greatest of all Golden Girls.

    To wit:
    *
    “I went to the bathroom to freshen up. After I had removed all my clothes . .”
    *
    “I’m sorry, Dorothy, but like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimsonweed I entice with scent but can provide no succor.”
    *
    “Oh, I think I was having an erotic dream!”
    *
    “I don’t usually dream about sex! I usually dream about food. Of course I’m usually nekkid while I’m eatin’ the food.”
    *
    “. . . a woman whose breasts you once described as perfectly champagne-glass-sized orbs of dancing loveliness.”
    *
    “That doesn’t spell ‘bed.’ Those are my initials: Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.”
    *
    “Poor Jamie! Caught in a seething cauldron of forbidden love for his beautiful sister-in-law. There were nights when he actually bayed at the moon!”
    *
    “Rose, these yellow eyeballs are staring at me!”
    *
    “I care about people! I was once a candy stripper.”
    *
    “‘She melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him. As she spun around, her dress ripping open . . .’ Do you know how many times that’s happened to me?”
    *
    “This is too funny. I have to get my camera from the car.”
    *
    “So what you’re telling me is: You’re a virgin? . . . Oh, this brings out the artist in me!”
    *
    “I feel like I’m in the middle of some horrible dream. Only I know it cain’t be a dream, ’cause there are no boy dancers!”
    *
    “My life is over! I have only to marry a retired Jew and become an intellectual.”
    *
    “That’s why Hollywood won’t get [my book], either. I will not have my words coming out of Glenn Close’s mouth–I’d rather die!”
    *
    “I always take a deep breath when I meet a man. It thrusts my breasts forward.”
    *
    “Dorothy, the man sent you meat!”
    *
    “I’m going to have my breasts enlarged. . . . Sure I am. Breasts are back in fashion. And what God didn’t give me, Dr. Myron Rosensweig will.”
    *
    “I’m out of spit. Can I go now?”
    *
    “Oh, Big Daddy’s bible! He never went anywhere without his bible. . . Whiskey! That’s why every Sunday after services he’d say ‘I can lick any man in this church!'”
    *
    “I’m backed into a corner. And when I’m backed into a corner I come out scratching and clawing. Unless, of course, I’ve had too much to drink, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad, passionate love on the carpet.”
    *
    DOROTHY: Okay, Blanche, but remember, I’m very vulnerable now and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
    BLANCHE: Well, sorry, Dorothy. We cain’t all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.
    *
    BLANCHE: Blanche Devereaux is back!
    SOPHIA: Oh, goody. Strike up the gland!

    Reply
  • 4. pammyshep  |  April 29, 2007 at 2:12 pm

    Rose: You know what I think?
    Blanche: No, do you?
    *************
    Blanche: Dorothy, when I’m feeling low self-esteem, I do a little exercise. I say my name and then three positive things about myself. I’m Blanche Devereaux. I’m beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Dorothy, now you try it.
    Dorothy: Ah, I don’t want to.
    Blanche: Come on. Please.
    Dorothy: Okay. I’m Dorothy Zbornak, I’m beautiful, men find me desirable and people want to be my friend.
    Blanche: Oh no, I think I confused you there. I meant three things that apply to you. Like, I’m Dorothy Zbornak, I’m a good speller, and uh… I’m very prompt, and umm… Well, there’s no law that says there have to be three good things.
    Dorothy: Um… I just thought of a third one: she can break a friend’s neck like a twig.
    **************
    Blanche: Listen, did you hear that sound?
    Sophia: Yeah, and as long as I’m in my own bed I’ll do what I want.

    Reply
  • 5. Critts  |  April 29, 2007 at 6:14 pm

    The best part of working part-time is the chance that I have to view this television treasure on Friday mornings. I must admit that on more than one occasion I’ve daydreamed of packing my bags and moving to Miami with the Girls (and hubby, of course)! Thank goodness for Lifetime Television.

    Reply
  • 6. Jana  |  May 1, 2007 at 2:06 pm

    The only quote I can think of is when they’re on a plane and the pilot says “If you’ll all look out the left window, the plane will tip over.” That and the Miami song.

    Did you look those quotes up, or are they from memory?

    Reply
  • 7. lemare  |  May 1, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Miami, Miami, you’ve got style, sunshine, white sand by the mile…

    Some were straight from memory, some were refreshed, but I definately remember all of these quotes. I’ve watched a lot of G-squared in my time.

    Reply
  • 8. Heidi  |  December 18, 2007 at 2:53 pm

    Sophia: What if I got gorgeous for nothing? What if Tony doesn’t notice me?

    Blanche: Well that’s his hard luck, there are plenty other fish in the sea!

    Sophia: Yeah all the one’s my age are floating on the top!

    Reply
  • 9. RIP, Sophia. This slice is for you. « In Rare Form  |  July 22, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    […] IRF reveres our favorite Sicilian and perhaps we need to go back and review IRF’s Tribute to the Golden Girls.  […]

    Reply

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