Miller Monday – The State of the Candy Union

May 4, 2007 at 12:46 pm 5 comments

This morning I did something despicable.  It was the most deplorable thing I have done in a long time.  Like a dog to his vomit I repeated an action I swore I would never duplicate.  I have had this dirty feeling in the pit of my stomach all day long.  But to be honest, I’m not sure it’s the guilt that’s causing the nausea in my stomach.  Because this morning I ate a peep.  Ok, maybe not a whole peep, but I took a bite.  Ewwwww….I just got the chills.

I hate peeps.  I hate ‘em.  I have always hated them.  I remember hating them as a child.  It didn’t take long for me to figure out that peeps were nothing more than rancid, chewy, tofu under an artificially colored splenda topping.  I was not abnormal in this measure.  This Easter my wife This Easter, the dang Easter Bunny, who must have been smoking crack, brought my one year old son two full boxes of yellow peeps.   I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I tried to give a peep to my little son Joshua, who yesterday I caught eating a soapy bubble-wand dipped in mud. Not even he would eat it.  He spit that puppy out and began profusely dry heaving.  Please don’t judge me for giving my son a peep.  I can now honestly say that I certainly know what Alec Baldwin feels like. 

Anyways, I then tried giving the remainder of the peeps to my nieces and nephews.  Although each child took a peep, not one of his 4 cousins actually could stomach more than 1 teeny bite.  All of my son’s cousins are under 3 years of age, and not one of them would eat a peep.  What does this tell you?  It tells me that not only are peeps unsuitable for children of any age, it also tells me that I am stuck with one full box of peeps.  Now when I was younger I literally ruined our microwave and nearly burned down the house while melting peeps.  I truly enjoying watching them expanding and frying under intense radiation.  My mother The Easter Bunny stopped bringing peeps to my house after I was about 8 years old.  I have never lost the love of melting peeps, in fact I have even been so bold as to melt a box or two in my late twenties.  However, my wife the Easter Bunny gave me a stern lecturing about even “thinking about it” this time around.  So what was I to do?  They had been sitting on my dresser since Easter, staring at me with their wee beady eyes.  This morning I snapped.  Although every year I melt at least one peep, it had been some time since I had actually eaten one.  So I gently tore open into the plastic wrap and ripped the head off a soft yellow bunny and popped it into my mouth.  Oh jeez, I am getting the chills again.  I forced myself to chew and swallow and have been regretting it ever since.

It dawned on me as I was thinking about writing this post, that Easter is not the only holiday with a distinctly nasty candy associated with it.  I think I hate those Halloween candy corns just as much.  Valentines day still reminds me of passing out pieces of chalk poised as candy to all my classmates.  So rather than have any of IRF readers fall into the same snare I did, I have devised a few alternate methods of disposing of terrible holiday candy. 

Peep sword fight – I have enjoyed playing with peeps (certainly not eating them) for a very long time. 

  1. Take two peeps and stick one toothpick in each of their bellies. 

  2. Put the two peeps on a microwaveable plate (this step is imperative so as to not put a severe strain on your relationship with your fellow housemates). 
  3. Place the peeps ‘blade to blade’.  Name one peep after a hero and one after a villain.  Some like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.  Personally I prefer d’Artagnan and Cardinal Richelieu.  “It’s like in the olden days, in the… days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves… say, y’know…”D’Artagnan!”… y’know, “how dare you talk to me like that, you!,” and… smack ’em!” 
  4. Put the plate in the microwave for about 30 seconds and watch the peeps expand and eventually melt.  The peep whose sword ends up on top is the winner.  If no peep ends up on top it was an even draw and you play again.  For our younger readers, on occasion evil does triumph, but simply because they won this battle does not mean they will win the war.  In my own personal peep wars, the good guys win about 57% of the time.
  5. Sometimes for an added touch place a little bit of ketchup around the peeps.  Sometimes after they have all melted its nice to see some flaming ketchup oozing from the battlefield.

Candy Corn Sculpture – I find this to be the only good use for candy corns.

  1. Take a handful of candy corns and stick them in the microwave for only a few seconds.  They should appear to be a bit more malleable and softer to work with. Do not be alarmed at the change of color.  The corns should start turning a distinctive brownish hue.  
  2. Gently press two or more candy corns together to get a nice workable wad of clay.  I prefer to keep adding candy corns until I have a ball about as large as my fist. 
  3. This is where the fun begins.  Press your fingers into the candy corn to give it shape and texture.  I once created a perfect bust of Denzel Washington.  It sat on my doorstep next to my jack-o-lantern until some kids thought it would look better in the street.  Find your inspiration and mold away.  This year I intend to build a miniature replica of Stonehenge.  Don’t be afraid to stick it back in the microwave every once in awhile to keep it soft and malleable.
  4. Most importantly of all, have fun.  Just like every year, I intend to ruin the whole basketful that Patsy keeps by the door during the month of October this year.  Its gonna be great.

Candy Heart Day Spa – The next time someone has a little fun at your expense and gives you candy hearts, why not turn the tables and have a little fun at their expense. 

  1. After some one gives you a box of candy hearts show up unexpectedly on their door step.  As soon as you are invited in, casually ask to use the restroom.  Make sure it is the restroom where your friend showers every morning.
  2. Once in the restroom take note of the following: the color of their towel, the type of shampoo and conditioner, the type of shower head, and the overall layout of the bathroom.
  3. Make sure to flush and wash your hands.  You definitely do not want to blow your cover.
  4. Make casual conversation and then excuse yourself.  You have work to do.
  5. Separate the candy hearts by color. 
  6. Find the color of candy heart that most closely matches the towel.  I have been known to mix and match using combinations of white and yellow, or white and blue to try and get a good match.
  7. Place the hearts inside of a strong zip lock bag and find a heavy blunt object.  I prefer a brick.
  8. Grind the candy hearts into a fine powder.  If the color hasn’t turned out the way you expected then simply add the appropriate color candy heart.  Sometimes it is nice to take paint tiles with you into the bathroom when doing the investigative work, but if you think that would give it away then just use your best guess.  Remember we need to try and match the color of the towel.  Five or six candy hearts should probably do.
  9. Grind up three or four other candy hearts and keep those in a separate bag.  These hearts should match the shampoo or conditioner.  Remember to grind it up good and fine.
  10. Return to your friend’s house and after some brief chit chat, explain that you had lunch at Casa de Frijoles and that you need to use the bathroom again.
  11. Once you are in the bathroom, lock the door, and immediately unscrew the shower head.  Place one candy heart up against the shower head and then screw it back on.
  12. Dump the small bag of ground up powder into either the shampoo, conditioner, or both.  Don’t worry if there are tiny chunks.  In my experience people always chalk this up to protein or something in the shampoo.  Remember to shake up the bottle really good.
  13. Lay the towel out on the bathroom sink and evenly distribute the bag of matched ground up candy hearts all over the towel.  Make sure to dump the excess in the toilet and try not to make a mess.  Then get out of the house!

The next day your “friend”, will literally be showered with candy heart love.  The water is tinted with it, the shampoo and conditioner may be tinted with it, and their towel will offer no comfort when their eyes are burning with chalky goodness.

As a side note, if you must give candy hearts for Valentines Day, and I understand there are a few of you out there that feel like they must, I have to recommend the following candy hearts.  Nothing says Valentines quite the same way.

In conclusion, it is a travesty that our children will have to suffer with bad holiday candy.  It just isn’t right.  Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of giving peeps and candy corns we gave cheesecake and crème brulee?  Shoot, compared to what I normally get, I’d even settle for a snickers bar.  My brothers and sisters, the State of the Candy Union is not well.


Joe Miller

Entry filed under: Fine Food, Miller Monday.

The Hoff’s Fall From Grace The Industrious Residents of Blaine

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lemare  |  May 4, 2007 at 1:05 pm

    Congrats on weaving a Waiting For Guffman quote into your post about Peeps. That takes talent!

    Professionally, I know a thing or two about seasonal candy. Might I direct your attention to “Cluckers”, a plastic wind-up chicken that waddles and as he waddles, little disgusting “made in china” gumballs periodically drop out of the chicken’s derierre…

    I earnestly wish I knew how Cluckers got on Craigslist and Ebay.

  • 2. Jdon  |  May 4, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    That whole Cluckers thing is kinda freaking me out. Who would want to eat candy out of the rear whole of a chicken?

  • 3. Lowdogg  |  May 4, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    My assistant has a thing for cows. She has this wooden cow that drops jellybeans from its rear when you pull on the tail. My son LOVES it, and yells “Cow!Cow!” whenever he sees her or the office.

    By the by, this post defies description. Good work.

  • 4. The Industrious Residents of Blaine « In Rare Form  |  May 4, 2007 at 11:41 pm

    […] it requisite to yell ABOUT those self-same people to at least a baker’s dozen). Mercifully, Joe Miller’s Candy post calmed the wild beast and encouraged me to focus on the fact that my labors bring delicious joy to […]

  • 5. Jana  |  May 5, 2007 at 10:00 am

    You might enjoy this site:

    Then again, you might not.


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