Even a Barn Looks Better Painted

May 28, 2007 at 11:38 am 16 comments

This Memorial Day Weekend, I’ve had the pleasure of spending the weekend with the parental unit.  After hearing my fair share of constructive criticism from my blessed mother, I decided I would compile all the helpful tips from my mother over the years and ask you to contribute your own loving advice from YOUR mothers.

Speaking of mothers…

Actual quotes:

Age 16:

Mom:  “My, you’re courageous to leave the house without mascara…”
*
Mom:  “So, you’re not going to wear any makeup today?”
LeMare:  “No, I think I look good without makeup.”
Mom:  “Even a barn looks better painted.”

Age 18:

Mom:  “Oh my, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING HERE AT COLLEGE?”
LeMare:  I realize my clothes aren’t fitting as well, but I didn’t think it was discernable to others…”
Mom:  “It is.  GOOD HEAVENS, is this Dove Bar wrapper yours?”

Age 20:

Mom: “I have an idea, for the next two weeks, why don’t you try only putting in your mouth what I eat, and nothing else.”
LeMare:  “No thanks.”
Mom:  “Let’s just try it, just for fun!” (LeMare ignores)
(hours later, LeMare is reading in the living room)
Mom:  (floating Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Goldfish in a swimming motion in front of my book)
LeMare:  “What?”
Mom:  “I just wanted a Goldfish, so it was only fair to let you have one too.”

Age 24: 

Mom:  “MERCY!  What did you do to your hair???”
LeMare:  “I had it dyed it all back to my natural color.”
Mom:  “I hate it.  You need highlights!”

 Age 25:

LeMare:  “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Mom:  “For you to get highlights.”

Age 28:

Mom:  “Here, try on all my rings.”
LeMare:  “This little one makes my finger look pudgy.”
Mom:  (glancing over):  “I love you, hon, but you’ve got to lose some weight…”
Mom:  (giving me her big diamond to wear)  “Much better.  When the day comes, you really need a big stone, a delicate ring just doesn’t look good on you.”

Age 28 (Memorial Day Weekend):

Mom:  “Your hair looks good.  Now put on some makeup.”
*
Mom:  “You look pretty, sweetie, but you need to pluck your eyebrows.”
LeMare:  “I just did.”
Mom:  “Not enough.”
*
Mom:  “Tell me about the color of your hair.  It’s lovely.”
LeMare:  “It’s natural.”
Mom:  “Hmm… I like it now.  Mother Nature knew what she was doing.  Remember when I hated it?”
*
LeMare:  “Isn’t my new suit spectacular?”
Mom:  “It kind of hugs your bootie.”
*
Mom:  “GET READY FOR THE PANCAKE BREAKFAST!”
LeMare:  “I AM ready.”
Mom:  “You need mascara.  Your eyes look non-existant.”

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Entry filed under: Arrested Development, Commentary, Fond Memories, LeMare's Posts.

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16 Comments Add your own

  • 1. pammyshep  |  May 29, 2007 at 11:50 am

    OK LeMare… it seems as though you and I are somehow related not only to each other but also to Bridget Jones and Laurie Notaro (see the Idiot Girls link on my page). I can soooo feel your pain.

    Age 33:
    MOM: You should buy those pants… they make you look really thin.
    PAM: What about the blouse?
    MOM: Your boobs are huge and that blouse makes you look fat on top. Are you still considering a breast redux? I think it would be a good idea.

    Age 28:
    MOM: You should try sucking in your tummy a little, especially if you’re going to wear that skirt.

    Age 16:
    MOM: Are you going out looking like that?
    PAM: Yes. Is there a problem?
    MOM: No, no problem. Your hair is just a little ratty, that’s all. Let me smooth it out for you (as she licks her thumb and walks towards me).

    Reply
  • 2. liz stanley  |  May 29, 2007 at 2:16 pm

    i would love to meet LaMare mom. she sounds awesome

    Reply
  • 3. lemare  |  May 29, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    You bring up a good point in your spelling of LeMare vs LaMare. I did not give myself the nickname, but my parents were both visibly upset by the spelling of LeMare. “Le is MASCULINE! It should be LaMare!!! WITH AN ‘A'”

    Reply
  • 4. Lindsay  |  May 29, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    That’s our mother alright. And everytime I get mad at my husband: “Lindsay! You be nice to that dear boy who puts up with you!” LeMare, make sure Jojo sees this column!

    Reply
  • 5. Lindsay  |  May 29, 2007 at 3:28 pm

    Also disturbing is what the parents call my daughter Reagan when she plays soccer: “All the way Ray!”

    Reply
  • 6. Emily  |  May 29, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    When I saw the title to this particular thread I just knew that I had to read it. I can still vividly remember the day when you told me of your mother’s now classic “barn looks better painted” advice. Are you sure the character of Lucille Bluth isn’t based on your mom? It reminds me of Lucille’s classic line to her maid after she told her to get her own house… “Don’t worry Michael, that’s how we joke.”

    Reply
  • 7. lemare  |  May 29, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    Emily, how timely, I just rewatched that episode last night (when i was taking notes for my future AD tribute post)

    Lucille: “Luce, that coat costs more than your house!” (Michael Stares) “Oh, that’s how we joke. She doesn’t even have a house!”

    Reply
  • 8. lemare  |  May 29, 2007 at 4:37 pm

    Another classic Lucille Bluth motherly comment:

    Lindsay: Did you enjoy your meal mom? You drank it fast enough.
    Lucille: About as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.

    Reply
  • 9. Jen  |  May 29, 2007 at 11:34 pm

    Ha Ha! you (and Lindsay’s commentary) got me laughing out loud! Keep these lovely dialogues tucked away–they will certainly lighten the mood at Lynette’s funeral!

    Reply
  • 10. Mari  |  May 30, 2007 at 2:41 pm

    Fabulous overview. I shall always remember the importance of wearing mascara around LeMare’s mom.

    Reply
  • 11. Lindsay  |  May 30, 2007 at 8:08 pm

    My, my Jen. Lynette will not be pleased to know that you are already thinking about her demise.

    Reply
  • 12. pammyshep  |  June 6, 2007 at 10:19 pm

    New one from my mom just yesterday… I was wrestling with my brother who, at age 22, isn’t exactly beefy or brawny. He’s a scrappy kid, though. When he picked me up my mother said in a shocked tone, “Wow! You can actually pick her up!”

    Can’t decide if she’s surprised that with his Grover-llike arms he can lift something heavier than the remote or that I didn’t kill him with my elephant-sized body.

    Reply
  • 13. Judy  |  August 22, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    I don’t know you, but I stumbled across your blog, and I had to add mine.

    (Shortly after a haircut)
    Mom: You look good with bangs. I can’t see as much of your face.

    Yea for moms. And yea for Arrested Development. That is all.

    Reply
  • 14. lemare  |  August 22, 2007 at 9:04 pm

    Judy, I can’t believe there is another mother like mine in the world! You’re welcome back any time!

    Reply
  • 15. Lindsay  |  August 22, 2007 at 10:15 pm

    Hey, Judy’s mom is like ours. And Judy likes Arrested Development. Judy, maybe you should hit our next family reunion 🙂

    Reply
  • […] while LeMare’s mother has been accused of such boldness in her parenting in verbalizing her thoughts (i.e. “Oh my, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING HERE AT COLLEGE?” […]

    Reply

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