Miller Monday – Relativity Disproven

June 11, 2007 at 5:21 pm 12 comments

Even as a small child I knew that I was different from everybody else. I have always struggled with the heaviness of the mantle of my calling. It’s a burden that not many people would elect for themselves or loved one. It certainly has not been easy. You see, I have a keen perception of what is funny, and conversely what isn’t. Tragic experience has only proven that a large portion of the general public may be missing this essential skill.

Contrary to public opinion, humor is not relative. Humor is an absolute. Some movies are quite funny. Some movies, however, are not. To me, this is not even a debatable point. Some people may think that humor is much like acquired taste ~ for example, I prefer chocolate ice cream, you prefer vanilla, but humor is not like that. Humor could be measured on 10-scale. Some things measure up near the 10 mark (Waiting For Guffman, Arrested Development), while others fall somewhat short of the Mendoza line. I’m sorry this may be mind blowing to some, but it is something I have always known, and its time that you knew too.

I can distinctly remember many years ago, being a lad of only 9 or 10 years old, and hanging out with a close family friend (whose name will be withheld). After driving his mother insane for several hours, my friend’s dear mother volunteered to pay us to go and see a movie. Now to a 10 year old, you can only imagine how this proposition sounded. The only problem was that my friend began pressuring me to do something that I felt rather uncomfortable with. I would have honestly felt more comfortable if he had he pulled out a pack of his Dad’s cigarettes and invited me to ‘smoke’em or head home. My “friend” suggested that we go and see “The Burbs” starring Tom Hanks. Now, I have always known that Tom Hanks is not very funny, the exception being his roles in both Castaway and Philadelphia, so I can not explain to you how dirty I felt deep down inside when I foolishly sat through one of the worst movies I have ever seen. That is when I realized that we could no longer be friends any more.

It was only years later why I realized why we could not be friends any longer. I finally realized that my poor friend’s maximum threshold for humor might have been only a 3 or 4. It was no wonder that he found such a terrible movie so deliciously enticing. The Burbs might have peaked at its funniest moment at a solid 2.3. Well that might have been darn near hyper-overdrive for my friend’s humor capacitor. Some of you out there are now undoubtedly saying, “That is not fair, your friend simply had different taste than you.” But you unfortunately are wrong. I do attribute the fact that he enjoyed the Burbs in part to a lack of actual intelligence, but there was also another factor at play ~ HIQ! My friend simply lacked HIQ. How could I have ever befriended someone who was so humorously disadvantaged?

Without a proper Humor Intelligence Quotient score you are likely to think that a show like Family Matters is funny while believing that Seinfeld is not. To me, that is just sad, but unfortunately it is a reality for so many people. Did you ever wonder why ABC’s TGIF programming was so enormously popular back in the early nineties? Although it certainly did not have me baffled at the time, it was certainly very disappointing at sleepovers when my 12-13 year old contemporaries had to stop playing air hockey to see what mischief DJ Tanner was up to on Full House. Oh TGIF how I hated you! Each worthless piece of programming more terrible than its predecessor.

Before signing off, let me just say that it’s okay to have a low HIQ. I certainly don’t want to be your friend, but I’m certain you would feel the same way about me. The only difference is that on Friday nights you end up watching whatever crap Adam Sandler is producing, while I am watching Spinal Tap.


Joe Miller


Entry filed under: Arrested Development, Film, Guffman, Miller Monday, Waiting for Guffman.

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12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. JL  |  June 11, 2007 at 7:36 pm

    The Burbs ranks up there as one of the worst movies ever made, perhaps after Joe Versus the Volcano. Joe, we are all here to support the heaviness of the mantle you are forced to carry in this lifetime.

  • 2. Brian  |  June 11, 2007 at 11:51 pm

    JL – I kid you not, I was going to pan Joe v Volcano. Lowest humor quotient ever for a “comedy.”

    Amen to Spinal Tap, Arrested Development, and might I humbly add, Blazing Saddles.

  • 3. STH  |  June 12, 2007 at 12:02 am

    So am I correct in assuming that your humor meter goes to eleven?

  • 4. Lowdogg  |  June 12, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Gone Fishing

    HIQ: -10

  • 5. lemare  |  June 13, 2007 at 2:34 am

    Joe Miller. I can’t believe IRF has been up and running for 2 months and this is the first time we have broached this important subject. I whole-heartedly testify that what you say is true. I am fully aware that people have low IQ’s. They are probably happier than we are because they are blissfully ignorant… And I’m OK with low HIQ’s because someone needs to keep Pauley Shore in the lifestyle in which he has become accustomed… But I just don’t need to be friends with those people.

  • 6. lemare  |  June 13, 2007 at 3:10 am

    Brian: I humbly admit that I have not seen Blazing Saddles. Based on your reco (and apparently flawless cinematic taste), I have added it to the queue even though I have no idea who you are.

  • 7. Jdon  |  June 13, 2007 at 11:32 am

    FYI, Blazing Saddles does make my top 10 list. I must also admit to thinking that Steve Martin’s epic masterpiece, “The Jerk” sits up there as well.

  • 8. TRussell  |  June 15, 2007 at 8:32 pm

    I think I had a similar moment when I was 5 and I was riding in my friend’s car and his parents put in one of those tapes for kids. He and his brothers began to sing along and I thought, “What are you guys doing?” He had a low MIQ.

    I can’t remeber the kid’s name.

  • 9. Lindsay  |  June 17, 2007 at 5:16 pm

    I think that people at church who give talks beginning with an apparently witty story about how they were asked to give the talk (ie. When I saw on my caller ID that Brother So and So was calling…..ha ha ha), they have very low HIQ’s. Offensively low.

  • 10. Amy  |  June 23, 2007 at 11:49 pm

    Now that’s some funny stuff!
    You guys are WAYYYY smarter than me!
    I’m still trying to figure out who Tom Hanks is….

  • […] aren’t for everyone, as the humor is dry, and well, smart.  Joe Miller describes this as having a high HIQ.  Well, as we all know, “you find people.  You FIND them” and I found people that […]

  • 12. Daniel  |  June 20, 2009 at 10:54 am

    God could you be any more pretentious? Seriously.


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