Miller Monday – Expose!

July 3, 2007 at 9:48 am 15 comments

I stood idly by as I heard him called the sexiest man alive.  I pretended not to hear when others said he was Michael Jackson from the waist down, and Elvis from the waist up.  I even thought it was kind of adorable the way people claimed he was something more than just a member of a Backstreet Boys cover band. But I will not tolerate any man claiming he brought “Sexy Back”, unless that man is Alec Baldwin.

Come on people!  Am I taking crazy pills here?  Justin Timberlake?  Are you serious? Are we still talking about Justin Timberlake?  Am I missing something?  If sexy is a skinny little pot-head punk in a three piece suit, then smack me over the head with the “Reject” stick and put me to bed. Three piece suits!  I’m not joking.  If sexy is making music that sounds like beeps, squeaks, and moans, then go ahead and ship me out on the USS Fat, Old, & Ugly, because I want nothing to do with that. 

There is just something plain wrong with our fascination with this prepubescent trapped in a 25 year olds body.  So it’s time I let you in on a little secret.  Thanks to Lemare I have now been initiated into a deep and dark secret. Read for yourselves. 

Embarrassing Wind for Timberlake?Pop prince Justin Timberlake may be a music mogul, but he still suffers the same embarrassing problems as the rest of us mere mortals.According to the U.K.’s The Sun, the “SexyBack” star always ensures that he has Beano anti-gas tablets on hand while touring the world to compact any forecasted wind problems.“Justin had a long list of demands, including anti-wind tablets,” an insider snitched to the paper. “Beanos are difficult to get in Europe.”Apparently JT also likes two dressing rooms to himself and demands a steady room temperature of 72 degrees. 

So, that is bringing sexy back.  For a while there I thought I was going to have to appear in a Super Bowl halftime show with Janet Jackson to get a little street cred.   You know, the truth is, if sexy ever did go away, it would have been brought back on the 3rd of April, 1958 in Massapequa, Long Island, New York.  For on that glorious April morn, a true sex symbol came into this world: Alec Baldwin. 

Talk about a man who is not afraid to show some chest hair, say something stupid, and then go out and ridicule his own daughter ~Alec Baldwin.  Talk about a man who ranks somewhere between a 2 and a 3 on a funny scale, but acts as if he is an 11 ~ Alec Baldwin.  Talk about a man who played the indomitable Lt. Col. James Doolittle, one of the worst drunken performances ever on the big screen, in probably the worst movie I have ever seen, Pearl Harbor and doesn’t even blink an eyelid – Alec Baldwin. 

You may think I am joking, but the truth is, for all of his flaws, Alec Baldwin has something that Justin Timberlake has never had.  Masculinity.  Alec Baldwin is at least a man, which is something Justin Timberlake may never understand.  Being a man isn’t trying to look pretty all of the time.  It’s more like drinking some scotch and yelling at your next door neighbor for leaving his sprinklers running all night long.  Being a man is eating a bowl of cereal while your wife screams and yells at you, going to work for 8 hours a day and then coming home and eating another bowl of cereal while your wife yells at you, and not caring.  That is something Justin Timberlake will never understand.  He is too busy trying to get into the dance club and primp his bangs.

Yes, I am sorry ladies, but Justin Timberlake’s sexuality is questionable at best.  It does, however beg the question as to why women these days are so obsessed with men that look and act like women?  From Justin Timberlake to Orlando Bloom to Leonardo DiCrapio, I just don’t get it.  Whatever happened to the Sean Connery types?  Do you really want men to act the way these guys do?  Whiny?  I’ll doubt that.  Who would take care of that pesky spider on the wall?  Who would pump the gas?  Who would take the garbage out?  Don’t fool yourself.  Timberlake is afraid of spiders, thinks garbage smells “icky”, and would whine and moan until you got out of the passenger seat to pump his gas for him.

I’ll bet Alec Baldwin is eating cereal right now thinking about guy stuff.  Yeah, I’ll bet his wife is currently laying into him for something he didn’t do while he is reading the newspaper and eating some Honey Bunches of Oats and thinking of getting his oil changed.  Now that is bringing sexy back.  Seriously.

Sincerely, 

Joe Miller

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Entry filed under: Celebrities, Current Events, Miller Monday, Pop Culture.

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15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lemare  |  July 3, 2007 at 10:50 am

    I think flapjacks and bacon are more masculine than honey bunches of oats.

    Reply
  • 2. TommyBoy  |  July 3, 2007 at 2:32 pm

    I’m just glad you didn’t say Lucky Charms or Shredded Mini Wheats. I think you’re pushing the masculinity factor by choosing cereal. Cereal? Come on, JD. Throw some rare steaks on your plate, or go for soy products at TJ’s. Now that takes some skill, making the soy products look masculine. You could pull it off, JD……..

    Reply
  • 3. Anon  |  July 3, 2007 at 4:49 pm

    I think we are all missing the point with the cereal. I’m sure Jdon’s wife refuses to make him a hearty breakfast every morning or even a hearty dinner at night. For that reason the most manly thing he could possibly do is to poor himself a bowl of Cap’n Crunch and not whine and complain. That is why eating cereal is a manly thing to do. Its the one food that all men know how to prepare, and women can never take that away from them.

    Reply
  • 4. lemare  |  July 3, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    So cereal is only manly because it’s a political statement of “We don’t need women, not for OUR breakfast choice!”

    You’re right, though. JT doesn’t eat cereal. I’m guessing the fiber involved would make him nervous, and he is, most likely lactose intolerant, given the Beano request.

    Reply
  • 5. TRussell  |  July 3, 2007 at 11:56 pm

    You forgot Hugh Grant and Jude Law in the pansy mix.

    Reply
  • 6. lemare  |  July 4, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    Speaking of “Sexy Back”… One time at a happy hour at work, a male coworker came up behind me and said “Sexy Back?” And I immediately reached to the hem of my shirt and said, “Oh, did my shirt come up in the back?”

    Male coworker looked at me like I was some conceited freak and said, “No… I was talking about putting it on the jukebox.”

    Reply
  • 7. lemare  |  July 4, 2007 at 6:40 pm

    I just reread this post and noticed that Alec was born on the 3rd of April… That means that he and I share a birthday, much like Massimo and The Hoff! Glorious discovery!

    Reply
  • 8. jdon  |  July 4, 2007 at 8:58 pm

    Lemare, I would like to shake your hand as well as Massimo’s!

    Reply
  • 9. JL  |  July 5, 2007 at 8:48 am

    You know that if Alec Baldwin ever took a swing at a photographer there would be more than tiny scratches to show for it.

    Reply
  • 10. Joey  |  July 5, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    Why can’t you all just admit that you love JT, that he did indeed rock your body, and that, “Sexy/Back” is pure, electronic awesomeness? That all this hating on JT is just obfuscation and dishonesty intended to hide the incontestable fact that he did indeed have you naked by the end of this song.

    Reply
  • 11. Yur Pa  |  July 5, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    Cereal! You only eat cereal because you never caught on to the breakfast food of real men–the 5-egg omelet. How can you call yourself a man if you won’t even walk into a room if eggs are being cooked on the stove? “Ohhh, the smell is soooooo evil! Do you have to cook those nasty things?”

    I thought you might have grown out of that by some point. But no, you still choose to bury your face in your amped-up sugar bits while real men around you are carving into a ham-and-cheeser.

    Don’t write about real men until you’re ready to step up.

    Reply
  • 12. Joey  |  July 5, 2007 at 1:04 pm

    And PS: Alec Baldwin has an unforgivably lame column on Huffington Post. Would a real man write this: “One can’t imagine how John Kerry must feel. To have worked so hard and lost so much.” Oh, weeeaaaaahh, freakin’ cry baby. For that alone, when Massimo’s much-heralded revolution comes, all-y’all are busted.

    Reply
  • 13. lemare  |  July 5, 2007 at 2:53 pm

    Things that will not be tolerated in the Massimo Revolution:

    1. Robin Thicke
    2. Tommy’s six string in hock.
    3. Alec Baldwin
    4. John Kerry

    But there WILL be bottle rockets!

    Reply
  • 14. Massimo  |  July 5, 2007 at 3:30 pm

    Actually, the revolution is undecided about Baldwin. On the one hand, he is evidently an appalling father and unquestionably an addlepated liberal blowhard. On the other hand, he’s a riot on “30 Rock.” (“I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.”)

    Upon one point, however, the revolution is firm: there is no justifiable reason for the continuing career of Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

    Reply
  • 15. Massimo  |  July 5, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    The revolution is also determined to make BYU Creamery chocolate milk as widely available as bottle rockets.

    As for JT, well, let’s just say he’s always left us fully clothed.

    Reply

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