How Dare a Baby Suck Their Thumb!

July 16, 2007 at 7:56 pm 21 comments

One Step Ahead, distributor of goods for paranoid parents, does not want babies to suck their thumbs, come into contact with deadly germs on the grocery cart or dare catch a ray of natural sunlight.

Just stop, okay

Exhibit A: Thumb and finger suckers beware. One Step Ahead is out to cure you in three weeks by shaming you out of your sickening habit by having to wear this to play dates, Bar Mitzvahs, and even Homecoming in the case of the larger 15 year-olds to which this product is geared.

Don’t drink the water either child

Exhibit B: These covers are quite the rage in some elite circles, but I just envision this breeding a child that later on in life freaks out getting in an uncovered roller coaster seat or church pew…or perhaps a youth hostel bed. You just can’t cover all the germs in life dear parents.

And finally, on to swim wear for the kids:

modesty maker

Exhibit C: Where are the protective sun gloves? Her mom doesn’t even want her to feel the sensation of sand running between her toddler toes. While yes, this super suit does offer SPF protection, it only leads to one dangerous place:

Two pieces are for hussies

Exhibit D: Modest Swimwear Solutions. Toddlers swathed in excessive swim wear fabric becomes young ladies accustomed to swimming in tunics and leggings. The seemingly helpful and safe things you do to protect your baby can damage your child more terribly than words can say.

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Entry filed under: Commentary, JL's Posts, Random.

Miller Monday – Good Sound Logic! Guest Post: Oh, Sick

21 Comments Add your own

  • 1. cburt  |  July 16, 2007 at 9:08 pm

    I feel a little shamed. I own the shopping cart cover and used it for most of my son’s 1st year of life. I don’t exactly know the source of my feelings toward shopping carts (maybe 20/20 or Dateline), but I have an almost clinical level of shopping-cart-germ-paranoia. The rest is craziness, but I reserve the right to be paranoid of fecal matter on my shopping cart.

    Reply
  • 2. mikel  |  July 16, 2007 at 10:08 pm

    If there is fecal matter on your cart, you probably shouldn’t eat anything from that store. That’s my philosophy anyways.

    Reply
  • 3. Jen  |  July 16, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    I was a finger-sucker. I’ll tell you what made me quit: I envisioned myself as an old lady still sucking my fingers and had enough sense to stop on my own! How’s that for foresight and wisdom beyong my years?

    Reply
  • 4. lemare  |  July 17, 2007 at 9:40 am

    i sucked my thumb until i was six, and because if it, wasn’t allowed to have a birthday party.

    Reply
  • 5. pammyshep  |  July 17, 2007 at 5:32 pm

    My grandmother was a nurse and to stop my mother from sucking her thumb, Merthiolate (a mercury-containing substance that was once widely used as germ-killer) was doused on her hand. Before Merthiolate was taken off the market, my mother also employed it to prevent me from sucking my thumb. I wasn’t a thumb sucker and miraculously, I don’t have mercury poisoning.

    Reply
  • 6. lemare  |  July 17, 2007 at 6:45 pm

    Pammy, my mom tried painting some foul substance on my thumb. Clever little thing that I was, I srcubbed and cleaned it off. I’ll check if it was mercury. It would be nice to know ahead of time if my thumb sucking has rendered me sterile.

    Reply
  • 7. Emily  |  July 18, 2007 at 1:12 am

    lemare – remember when my lovely older brother told you that the reason your teeth were the way they were was because you sucked your thumb as a child and were still (in his words) a “tongue thruster”? I also vaguely remember mention of a medieval tortue device placed in your mouth involving prongs so that you wouldn’t thrust so much. Good times…

    Reply
  • 8. Joey  |  July 18, 2007 at 2:38 pm

    Wait. So those ladies in those get-ups think they are wearing bathing suits?

    Reply
  • 9. Massimo  |  July 18, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    Yes, Joey, in much the same way I think I’m the reincarnation of Edmund Burke. And married to Eva Longoria.

    Reply
  • 10. lemare  |  July 19, 2007 at 9:52 pm

    I remember the tung thrusting device well. apparently it involved three spikes in my mouth to train my tongue… If I can’t get a boyfriend NOW, something tells me that the spikes won’t help… not even if I get one of these new bathingsuits.

    Reply
  • 11. Samantha  |  July 31, 2007 at 1:26 am

    I bought a such a great grocery cart cover from http://www.shoppingcartcoverstore.com/ and, so glad that I did. I wasn’t aware of all the germs that are left behind on public shopping carts and highchairs!

    Reply
  • 12. H  |  September 18, 2007 at 7:19 am

    I still suck my thumb. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. It feels great, is legal, convenient, helps me to concentrate and stay calm. Beats most everything else.

    Reply
  • 13. lemare  |  September 18, 2007 at 11:57 am

    My overbite and thousands of dollars of orthodontia would beg to differ.

    Reply
  • 14. Lisa  |  January 7, 2008 at 11:37 am

    You seem to forget that babies need protections that adults don’t. A baby would do things that adults wouldn’t do such as sucking on the edge of shopping carts or touching every part of the cart they can reach then sucking their hands and going back and forth. Adults do not need as much protection because they have learned self-protective behaviors.

    As for the thumb device, that just boggles the mind. Obviously it would be better to put a large plastic bubble around the child’s entire head 😉

    Reply
  • 15. H  |  April 1, 2008 at 7:55 am

    I have an overbite too…makes my thumb fit better..mmmm. 🙂

    Reply
  • 16. Jill  |  January 25, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    I used to suck my thumb but stopped around kindergarten/first grade… There was this one kid at school who sucked his thumb into middle school and no one wanted to touch anything he had touched because he’d get saliva on everything.

    The shopping cart cover is slightly ridiculous. People are so germaphobic these days that they Lysol or Clorox wipe everything and end up making super bacteria that need even stronger sanitizers to kill. Kids need to get out in the mud and get exposed to germs a bit so their immune systems can get stronger.

    When my mom’s friend was a kid, she and her sisters played outside and got filthy every day, but their neighbor kept her little daughter inside all the time, never let her play outside or get dirty. The muddy children were very healthy and rarely got sick, but the dolly-girl was always catching colds.

    Reply
  • 17. M White  |  July 8, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Be careful what you say about the women in Exhibit D. Especially because you are poking fun. These ladies are modestly dressing, and there is nothing excessive or improper about their attire. More women should be conscious of what they are putting out there.

    Reply
    • 18. Zainab  |  August 18, 2009 at 5:38 pm

      i’m with M White. Except there are other modest alternatives, like rash guards and board shorts. Their outfits, while modest, would be hard to swim in. They’d weight you down. I don’t think they’re the safest, but they get a 10 in modesty!

      Reply
      • 19. affy  |  February 18, 2010 at 3:50 pm

        by the way there are swimming race shampions wearing whole body muslim swimming suits. these are made by swimming suit material. they don’t get wet or heavy.

  • 20. Trina  |  October 10, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I agree with the thought, that these items are geared toward paranoid parents. I am all for protecting our kids, but come on we have to be reasonable. I am a daughter to a paranoid parent who is now worse as a grandparent. if it were up to her, my children would only be allowed to play while secured in bubble wrap. One of my favorite quotes is when she tells my 2 year old “don’t run”!

    Kids need to be kids. And that thumb sucking guard is just plain CRUEL!

    Reply
  • 21. Bonnie D.  |  February 23, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    I think the bathing suits in exhibit D are great. I personally do not appreciate seeing other women half dressed. Most of the bathing suits show parts that only a husband should see. And they may take a little getting used to, esp if used to wearing much less, but still able to swim just fine. It’s also great at water park rides when your suit tends to “reposition”…very uncomfortable and embarrassing.

    Reply

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