Miller Monday – Standing Up For Our Neighbors to the North

July 30, 2007 at 9:51 am 15 comments

A few weeks ago our humble post attracted the attention of a foreigner – a man from either Canuda or Germany depending on how you interpret his English.  At any rate it got me thinking about why we as Americans are so hated around the world.  It didn’t take long for me to figure that out, so I decided to think about something else.  I have known a few people from Canuda in my day and I find them to be really fascinating people.  For those of you that don’t know, Canuda is a country a few miles north of the United States.  It snows there and the people there wear warm clothes when it snows.  That is about the only similarity between the U.S. and Canuda.  Trust me, I have never been there, but I know it is different. 

They pretty much all live off of one dietary staple: Kraft Dinner.  They eat it religiously.  It’s pretty much the solitary reason most Cunadians smell a little rare, and interestingly enough it is the one cause most Cunadians would gladly lay down their lives to defend.   Most Americans, although they do not know it, are familiar with Kraft Dinner but with a very different name.  Here in America we call it “crap”, and it’s what we fix our kids when a babysitter is coming.

Another difference between us and Canuda is, well, just about everything.  I don’t think it’s right however for us to treat them any differently than anyone else who migrates into our country.  I think it’s about time that we treated them as equals to the Mexican Americans, Armenian Americans, African Americans, Vietnamese Americans, Taiwanese Americans, Australian Americans, Serbian Americans, and any other group of people that play upon the great American template.  It is important that we see the Cunadian Americans as equals despite the fact that they don’t celebrate Christmas and instead celebrate something called Boxing Day.

I know, I know, I know, everything has gotten so PC these days.  Why do I have to call them Cunadian Americans when they come from a country that is already located in North America?  That is a stupid question.  We call them Cunadian Americans out of respect.  We give them the same respect that they would give us if we moved to their country.  Do you think if I moved to, I don’t know, Zimbabwe, that people would just call me a stupid American?  Right, they would call me an American Zimbabwean!  The same logic applies if I move to Canuda where I would be called an American Cunadian.  That is, unless I moved back to the US and I would be called an American Cunadian American.  Anyways, the point is that even though Cunadians bow down to a flag with a giant leaf on it does not mean we shouldn’t grant them the same respect we do to all of the strange people living in our country. 

Trust me, I once lived with this Cunadian named Justin who used to call a flag a “phl-egg” (I don’t know how to spell it).  He called a bag a “b-egg”.  He used to say the word “aboot” a lot and I still have no idea what that meant, but I can only remember two or three (maybe four) times when I really offended him really bad.  The first is when I said that Alanis Morrissette sung like a braying jackass.  Coincidentally she also has teeth like a jackass.  Anyways the point I am trying to make is that one day he came home and I said, “Hey you Cunadian” or something to that effect.  His eyes welled up with tears and he ran to his room.  I had to pry him out with a box of Mac & Cheese and he really opened up to me on this point.

It’s time to end the madness and to start treating Cunadians with the same respect we treat Mexicans.


Joe Miller


Entry filed under: Miller Monday.

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15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lemare  |  July 30, 2007 at 11:20 am

    Joe Miller… this outlandish behavior on IRF is unprecidented!

  • 2. Lowdogg  |  July 30, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    I’ll make sure Justin checks this out. He will like it.

    Vancouver in British Columbia is an awesome city, except for the crack-addled homeless people.

  • 3. lemare  |  July 30, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    Crack-addled homeless people… Meanwhile, outside of my building in a high rent district, a man asked me to walk faster because he wished to urinate on the sidewalk and he was “pretty sure” i didn’t want to see his “python.”

    He was right. I sent my security guard after him.

  • 4. letters  |  July 30, 2007 at 3:34 pm

    You got it sort of right. I’m a Canadian who lives in Germany.

    It’s the ones from Newfoundland who say a-boot. The rest of us say about.

    Boxing Day is the day after Christmas. It’s an English thing. You box up the food from the Christmas feast and give it to the poor people.

    My home city of Vancouver is warmer than Buffalo any day of winter.

    You never mentioned hockey! You have no idea of Canada if you leave that out. 😉

    – ian in hamburg

  • 5. lemare  |  July 30, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    Well, Joe, you succeeded in bringing back Letters!

    More Canadian things:

    The little electric blanket that covers car batteries that you plug in at night…

  • 6. TRussell  |  July 30, 2007 at 3:56 pm

    I once visited Canadia and I thought the whole maple syrup thing was just a stereotype until I saw people carrying around flasks of it in their coat pockets.

    We went on a hike and there were signs that said, “Watch for falling maple syrup”.

    It was amazing…

  • 7. Jdon  |  July 30, 2007 at 7:29 pm

    I cant tell you how happy I am to see Letters back. I really appreciated his insight on the topic of socialized medicine. I hope he comes back more frequently.

  • 8. Lindsay  |  July 30, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    Canuda or Cunada? You lost me.

  • 9. Justin (the happy Cunadian)  |  July 31, 2007 at 2:37 am

    The funniest part about this post is that we really do eat a lot of mac and cheese and call it Kraft Dinner. We mix a lot of things in it with my favorite being ketchup or hot dogs.

    Here are some things that you missed though:
    -we worship Celene Dion
    -we all live in igloos
    -we say “eh” every other word, eh
    -we love maple syrup
    -we have money called loonies and toonies
    -our policemen are called mounties
    -famous Canudians still wear mulletts (hockey stars)

    Great post Joe. I loved it.

  • 10. JL  |  July 31, 2007 at 11:33 am

    Kraft Dinner does give it a much more polished sound. This might be a good term to borrow from our friendly Northern neighbors.

  • 11. letters  |  August 1, 2007 at 1:52 am

    The maple syrup thing is mostly all Quebec, which as every Canadian who dares to admit it knows is a separate country which hasn’t yet bothered to leave. The Cabane à sucre as it’s known there has a long tradition. If you go, try to make it to a smaller one. The food is the same but has a better atmosphere.

    Out west we don’t have sugar maples.

  • 12. Est.1989  |  August 11, 2007 at 10:51 pm

    Although I felt mildly offended through most of this, due to the ignorant passive-aggressive vibe that swelled in the author’s tone, I’ve decided I must have read too far into it and am taking it light-heartedly instead, lol. I’m a Canadian who just spent bout a year living in Florida in the States but have returned home now… for good 🙂 I know most of my friends there had pre-conceived notions of us Canucks, and I lived up to some of them…i.e hockey obsessed and when pronouncing any words that had the letters “ou” in them (out, about, house…etc.), let’s not forget how easily “eh” flows into every sentence and apparently I was abnormally polite… but I did make a point to never wear flannel, then again that was more because it would have been kinda hot there 😛 Anyways, you mentioned Alanis (my dad lived down the street from her btw), and when talking Canadian music you can’t miss out on THE band, who we as Canadians adore and have loved for decades, but strangely enough our neighbours to the south just haven’t caught on to, Canada’s best kept secret… The Tragically Hip.
    Here’s some points I’ve collected from around the internet that might give some more insights into the Canadian Culture or just a laugh, either or, lol.
    “You Know You’re Canadian When…”
    1. You know all the words to “If I had a million dollars” by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
    2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly.”
    3. You know why “killerwhaletank” is funny.
    4. You wonder why there isn’t a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.
    5. You remember when Alanis Morrissette was “Too Hot To Hold”. (You can’t do that on television…)
    6. You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
    7. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation’s Heritage Moments, including your favourites, “Burnt Toast!”, “You know I canna read a word…”, and “Kanata”.
    8. You can sing “O’ Canada” in French and actually know what the words mean!
    9. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who’s Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
    10. You participate in Participaction!
    11. You think Peter McKay is sexy.
    12. You think Gord Downie is sexy.
    13. You think Rick Mercer is sexy.
    14. You think either Ed Robertson, Kevin Hearn, Steven Page, Jim Creeggan or Tyler Stewart is sexy and debate for “your guy” to the death with everyone you meet.
    15. You think Brad Pitt is so-so.
    16. You think Great Big Sea isn’t Maritime-centric enough.
    17. Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.
    18. Your backpack has atleast one Canadian flag iron-on (always room for more!).
    19. You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
    20. You have been on Speaker’s Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.
    21. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color.
    22. You know the French equivalents of “free,” “prize” and “no sugar added,” thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
    23. You still haven’t taken down your “NON” posters from the 95 Referendum.
    24. You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
    25. You remember “Jodie” from Today’s Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
    26. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram’s “Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do.”
    27. You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
    28. You know that a “Premier” isn’t a baby born a few months early.
    29. You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin’ Tom doesn’t get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.
    30. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
    31. You think -10 C (14F) is mild weather.
    32. You have twins named either Wayne and Gretzky or Gordie and Howe.
    33. You stand in “line-ups” at theatres, not lines.
    34. You’re not offended by the term “Homo Milk”, you buy it in bags and are fond of the clippy corner things.
    35. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars and drink pop instead of soda.
    36. You know that a mickey and 2-4’s mean “Party at the camp, eh!”
    37. You can drink legally while still a teen.
    38. You’re not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you really don’t want to know if he has!
    39. You know pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway, and you drive on a highway, not a freeway.
    40. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
    41. You know what a toque is.
    42. You never miss “Coaches Corner.”
    43. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
    44. You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada”.
    45. You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with ‘Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada’ written at the top.
    46. You die a little inside if you can’t get your Tim’s double-double every morning.
    47. Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
    48. You’ve got some rocks and you’ve got to leave an important message — Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!
    49. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
    50. “Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, “Huh?”
    51. You call it a BUN not a “Roll” and it’s called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.
    52. You’ve ever had your tongue frozen to something.
    53. You head south to go to your cottage.
    54. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
    55. You can play road hockey on skates.
    56. You automatically read ‘Z’ as ‘Zed’ and don’t give a damn that it doesn’t rhyme with “now I know my abcs”.
    57. You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his granddad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nonetheless, and you know why everyone wears plastic poppies pinned to their jackets at the beginning of November.
    58. You smile when people discover that calling you a ‘Canuck’ isn’t an insult.
    59. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
    60. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it, instead of telling them to stay out of it.
    61. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
    62. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
    63. Your drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    64. There are handicap parking places in front of the skating rink.
    65. You nod sympathetically and more importantly understand when someone says “Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook eh, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he’s all chippy and everything, calling me a shit disturber and what not. What could I say, except, ‘Chimo!'” and comply when someone says “Could you please pass me a serviette, I spilled poutine on the chesterfield?”
    66. You know why this list goes to ’67.
    67. You read rather than scanned this list.

  • 13. lemare  |  August 13, 2007 at 8:55 am

    Est 1989… this was the most comprehensive comment we’ve ever had on IRF. Welcome back anytime!

  • 14. letters  |  August 13, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    Been away from Canada way too long to understand some of those. But I did read through it!

  • 15. Azmodan  |  August 22, 2007 at 6:28 am

    No a-boots here in newfoundland. We mostly speak mid-western here.


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