Miller Monday – REPENT YE!

September 10, 2007 at 10:14 am 8 comments

Last week temperatures soared in the Peoples Republic of Southern California.  There was no frost stuck to the windshield of my car in the morning.  There were no children outside my window making snow angels or having snowball fights.  As funny as this may sound, I was not wearing a sweater in late August in California, nor did I have the heater running.  Although I asked my wife for a warm blanket and cocoa when I got home from work, I found none.  In fact, this may blow you all down, but she was actually running the air conditioning every single day through the end of August well into September. 

Before you all harp on me for, yet again, for being environmentally unfriendly I should let you all know that I have changed my tune.  I am now a complete believer of “Global Warming”.  How can you not be after seeing temperatures sometimes getting as high as 100 degrees in the middle of the desert!  I am entirely convinced that the planet is getting hotter and I am even more convinced that it is all our fault.  I have partaken of the cool-aid and would like you to do the same.  My soul cries out to all of you for repentance.  We need to change our evil ways or we are all going to die an ignominiously warm death on this planet.

Behold!  We are all sinners in the eyes of an angry planet.  In this prose is threatened the vengeance of Mother Earth on the wicked unbelieving human race, who were Nature’s own visible people, and who lived under the means of grace; but who, notwithstanding all of Gaia’s wonderful works towards them, remained void of counsel, having no understanding in them. Under all the cultivations of heaven, they brought forth bitter and poisonous fruit – the SUV, deforestation, and Styrofoam cups!

Repent, all ye nations of the earth and hear my words -before it is too late!  The observation from the words that I would now insist upon is this. — There is nothing that keeps wicked, polluting men at any one moment out of burning hellfire and global destruction, but the mere pleasure of Earth Mother. — By the mere pleasure of Mother Nature, I mean Her sovereign pleasure, Her arbitrary will, restrained by no obligation, hindered by no manner of difficulty, any more than if nothing else but Gaia’s mere will had in the least degree, or in any respect whatsoever, any hand in the preservation of wicked men one moment.

Hopefully you have all now felt the guilt and displeasure of our deity and you are asking yourself how you too can gain forgiveness in Her eyes.  There is only one path that you must follow if you ever want to redeem your worthless soul.  There are five divine pillars to redemption  You must first confess that there is no God but Mother Earth (Isis, Gaia, Mother Nature, Amterasu, Banba, Ala, or any other of her wonderful names) and that Al Gore is her prophet.  This is known as the confession or Shahada.

The second pillar is the holy tax or Zakrah.  In this, you must purchase carbon offsets as an indulgence for your crimes against Mother Earth.  Let us not forget the words of the most venerated Father Leonardo DiCaprio who once said, “As soon a coin in coffer rings, the soul from global warming springs.”  We all need to take a good look at our carbon footprint and find ways of erasing it.  This might include not exhaling carbon dioxide but I am not quite sure yet.  Indulgences will keep your soul spotless.  The most holy of relics include, new baby trees, concert tickets for Live Earth, and anything that Mother Earth’s prophet has touched or brushed up against.  Having lived a portion of my life in a rain forest I can testify that they are places of immense beauty and harmony and not bug infested dirty places of chaos and danger so please whip out those credit cards and purchase your soul out of hell!

The third pillar is Sawm or fasting.  You must abstain from eating animal products of every kind.  It is a known fact that animal flatulence causes 47.3% of Global Warming every year.  This includes abstaining from butter, M&M’s, and parsley, all of which have completely destroyed the ozone layer and made the cities of southern California barren ghost towns.

The fourth pillar is Salah, or prayer.  This is done in numerous different ways.  The first is by placing bumper stickers on your car about the cause.  The second is by praising eco-friendly celebrities or Amaterasu’s prophet – Al Gore (peace be upon him).  Fervent Salah also includes criticizing any politician that has not done enough to save the planet (usually Republicans).  These activities should occur five times a day facing a set qibla, or prayer direction.  Our beloved prophet has informed us that the qibla today is facing the South American rain forest (do not confuse a rain forest with a jungle.  There is a big difference).

The final pillar of our faith is hajj or the sacred pilgrimage.  I’m not really sure where we are supposed to assemble, but rest assure that we must go there in a hybrid vehicle.

I want to close with my testimony that I know this church is true and that Al Gore is its prophet.  I know that an Inconvenient Truth is also true as is the owner’s manual for the Toyota Prius.  I know that if we all pay our tithes – our carbon offsets, that we will one day find ourselves in the kingdom of Isis.  These things I testify in the name of Mother Earth – Amen!


Entry filed under: Miller Monday.

IRF Weekly Wrap-up The Second One this Month

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lemare  |  September 10, 2007 at 10:52 am

    I lost focus when i read the part about Al Gore brushing up against things.

  • 2. JL  |  September 10, 2007 at 1:17 pm

    John Edwards would wholeheartedly endorse these five pillars of redemption. Joe, last I heard, he was still looking for a running mate… Unfortunately, many people in my area embrace the fourth pillar of Salah

  • 3. Lowdogg  |  September 10, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    I also got distracted by the Gore thing. I imagined all the things he brushes against and then had to throw up in the garbage can.

    I actually think Global Warming would make more sense as a theory if it was based on a sentient earth that was mad at us.

    This was good stuff Joe. I got a little uncomfortable at the end, but good satire will do that.

  • 4. Meldred  |  September 10, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    As the leaves continue to fall in Canada, I think that I should go for a long, aimless drive in my SUV with the windows rolled down as I douse the air with hairspray. Please warm, globe! PLEASE!

  • 5. TRussell  |  September 10, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    Looks like Joe Miller is going to burn in more ways than one

  • 6. amymiller  |  September 12, 2007 at 8:03 pm

    What makes you think that this isn’t Hell. It’s HOT enough, Al Gore is here, as is many of the others mentioned, and with all the carbon we emit ,especially my husband, the earth should have burned up by now for sure!

  • 7. TommyBoy  |  September 13, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    I know without a shadow of a doubt that Joe Miller’s Church of the Mother Earth is true.

  • 8. yur brudder  |  September 13, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    TommyBoy, it’s “beyond” a shadow of a doubt, not “without” a shadow of a doubt. You need to start attending more church.


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