Miller Monday – The “Mouse”

September 17, 2007 at 9:55 am 4 comments

Last week I took my son to Disneyland.  Unbeknownst to me it would likely shake the very foundations of his little life.

My wife typically respects the fact that I have a healthy fear of clowns.  For example, a few days ago I noticed the bust of a clown in a store front window and I immediately told her that we would never set foot in that store.  I don’t like watching clowns on the television and I certainly avoid them at the Orange County fair.  I hate clown music and I hate clown makeup.  I hate everything clown.  I have never tried to search the innermost limits of my soul to discover why I hate clowns so much.  It really doesn’t matter.  My passionate hatred for clowns does not interfere with me having a normal life and therefore the root cause of my fear bears little relevance to me.  However, I do remember at a very early age, my mother (Patsy) dressing me in clown gear for Halloween.  I recall a one piece jumpsuit red with white polka dots that fills my heart with fire upon thinking of it.  Why would my Mom do that to me?

I’m beginning to wonder if I unintentionally did the same thing to my first born son last week.  The story begins last week when some friends from out of town came to visit.  Naturally they wanted to visit Disneyland and they invited us to go along.  Really thinking nothing of it, we consented and agreed to bring our son along.   Saturday arrived and my son awoke to my wife singing Disney songs.  He got dressed to his favorite Disney movies.  All morning long we told him that we were going to visit the “Mouse.”  We put him in the car and began asking him, “Who are we going to see?”  His reply, “The Mouse (slight lisp added for effect).”

I must say that for his young age he really appreciated Disneyland.  He enjoyed the murky darkness of Pirates of the Caribbean.  He enjoyed the silly playfulness of the Winnie the Pooh ride.  I think he even enjoyed the monotony and chaos of It’s a Small World.  Everything was smooth sailing until someone suggested we actually go and visit the “Mouse.”  Despite it being a Saturday the lines were relatively short, but something told me that standing in line to see the “Mouse” would be different.  I was hoping that running in to Ratatouille would have made sufficient the requirement to see any rodents on our one day journey.  Apparently it was not.  By far, the longest line in the park was to visit the “Mouse.”

I knew my son was far too young to appreciate meeting the “Mouse.”  To my knowledge he has never seen one of his cartoons owned a piece of merchandise.  My wife and I don’t recall having ever spoken to him about the “Mouse” at all in his brief 18 month life.  So it was somewhat rewarding after standing in line for a few hours and actually getting into the room with Mickey that in sheer amazement my son exclaimed, “MICKEY MOUSE!”  Somehow he figured out the “Mouse” had a first name.   Unfortunately it looks like the Mouse also had a thing for small children.








Would you take a look at my son’s face?  You can tell he never expected the “Mouse” to lift up his shirt and rub his little booty.  And will you take a look at my stupid face?  What kind of parent would be totally ignorant to Mickey Mouse getting fresh with his own child?  It makes me think that the same person doing background checks on Hillary Clinton’s campaign is also screening candidates at Disneyland.   

I am still awaiting the paternity results from Maury Povich, but if in fact Joshua is my genetic offspring he was already going to be carrying some heavy baggage.  I always assumed he would be terrified of clowns like his old man.  I never meant for his most traumatic moment would be in the hands of a giant pedophile rodent.   

This photo only confirms something that we all have known for a long time: I am the worst parent in this small, small world.


Joe Miller

Entry filed under: Miller Monday.

Men on a Mission to Mortify Joe Miller Kiss him and stop him from shaking. Somebody. Please.

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lemare  |  September 17, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    Look at little Joshua’s face… “watch where you put your hand, mister!”

  • 2. Lowdogg  |  September 17, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Awesome story. Joshua must be a fan of the “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” aka “Disney’s attempt to make old intellectual property new and exciting for an entirely new generation thus making it profitable as well.”

  • 3. jdon  |  September 18, 2007 at 2:20 pm

    Interesting how few people feel comfortable commenting on a piece about child molestation. On second thought maybe that isnt really interesting.

  • 4. Celebrities in Our Midst « In Rare Form  |  September 18, 2007 at 9:50 pm

    […] 18, 2007 Rarely do we have such vicarious encounters with the bright lights of Hollywood. (Disneyland yes, but the Emmies, never!) On Sunday night our West Coast Entertainment Correspondent, Kowalski, […]


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