A Very Monster Miller Monday

October 15, 2007 at 5:53 pm 18 comments

Last night I dreamt.  I dreamt I was a monster.  Although I’m not sure how to describe my appearance in the dream I knew that I was a rather foreboding creature.  It has been some time since I have had such an infantile dream but it filled me with a sense of passion and excitement that has not quite left my system.  The specifics of the dream are somewhat jarbled in my memory, but one thing is crystal clear to my intellect; being a monster is not half bad.  This gets me thinking, what monster would I be if I had the choice?

I’m glad this is not a decision that I am going to make quickly.  This is a question that deserves some pondering and reflection.  In fact, my first impression would be either Count Chocula or Frankenberry, but I know I would regret that later on.  Whatever I choose I would make sure that I kept in close touch with either of these two deserving figures just for the cereal hookup.  There is nothing quite so good as the sugary milk residue left behind after a bowl of Count Chocula.

I digress.  I never really got into modern movie monsters, ala Freddie Krueger, Jason, or Leatherface because they are lame.  Relying more on shock factor than terror, none of the modern movie monsters carry the same panache as Dracula.  I think I would want a character that has some depth and personality and a smudgeon of mystique.  Dracula may be a good candidate.  He certainly has mystique and there is something captivating about him, especially in regards to the opposite sex.  He is a hand somewhat overplayed in today’s modern monster poker game, and he is a little too Eastern European for me.  Dracula also has that stupid Clark Kent, I look like Superman without glasses but nobody realizes it, element that kind of drives me bonkers.  Nah, I definitely wouldn’t be a vampire.

Although Frankenstein has superhuman strength, he is a moron and I automatically disqualify him.  The Phantom of the Opera would be an awesome monster if he didn’t like opera and actually had something awesome about him.  Cross him off the list.  Creature of the Black Lagoon might be a contender if I had even seen the movie or knew anything about him.  What about the Loch Ness monster?  He isn’t even real.  No, the choice seems clear.  I would be the Wolf Man.

Talk about a sweet monster.  Unstoppable strength, speed, and agility mark his every move.  Everyone is totally freaked out by him and yet there is something mysterious about his origins.  That sounds rad.  The best part is that he isn’t permanently a Monster.  Any werewolf worth his weight can simply buy a day planner and know exactly when he is going to transform again.  It’s a monster disability (or ability depending on how you look at it) that is completely predictable.  It’s kind of like a hurricane.  Totally disastrous and sweet and you can see it coming from miles away.  It gives you the choice to either chain yourself to a wall to prevent terrorizing people, or just letting it rip and prowling the streets biting people and urinating on their property.  Because a transformation only occurs on a full moon it’s not like you are going to get burned out on it or anything.  Quite the contrary, I’ll bet werewolves simply live for the hallowed moon that sets them free and lets them do pretty much whatever the heck they want.  I totally would choose the wolf man.  Either that or Rob Reiner.  Both are equally scary.

Werewolves are friggin the best monsters ever.  If anyone disagrees with me I would love to see you try and prove me wrong. 


Joe Miller


Entry filed under: Miller Monday.

Weekly Wrap-up Guest Post: Notes From The Field III

18 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lemare  |  October 15, 2007 at 7:23 pm

    Am I at liberty to introduce Harry Potter monsters to the mix?

  • 2. TommyBoy  |  October 15, 2007 at 7:42 pm

    JoeyD, great treatise on monsters. Your definition of Wolfie, though, of “prowling the streets and biting people and urinating on their property” sounded vaguely like your youth, anyway. But you had the advantage over Wolfie….you weren’t quite as hairy. Or at least I think you’re not. Never mind–don’t really want to know.
    I’m surprised you didn’t mention your old nemesis….the Evil Clown…..no monster-figure brings as much terror to children as this one……

  • 3. Jana  |  October 15, 2007 at 7:45 pm

    You just can’t argue with a phrase like “Werewolves are friggin the best monsters ever.” So, I won’t try.

  • 4. Jdon  |  October 15, 2007 at 8:04 pm

    Lemare, I dont know how I feel about Harry Potter monsters because they are not real, but I guess if you feel inspired, go for it.

    Tommy, all I can say is that dont be surprised if someone, or rather, something has urinated on your palm trees come Tuesday morning.

    Jana, I appreciate your unconditional surrender.

  • 5. jen  |  October 15, 2007 at 11:26 pm

    I seem to remember you were the phantom of the opera once, during a certain freshman ward talent show, and made your appearance during another dorm-dweller’s stirring rendition of “Music of the Night.” If I may say, THAT was friggin’ awesome!

  • 6. TRussell  |  October 15, 2007 at 11:53 pm

    Of course-
    Yes. Joey d’vivre was the Phantom of the Opera once upon a time.

    I have to point out here, his favorite movie of all time was not Teen Wolf, but it was up there. I think that is where this is all coming from.

    What about Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs? No one can stomach him.

  • 7. Lowdogg  |  October 16, 2007 at 9:20 am

    I was the Wolfman for several years on Halloween. I had a very cool, but very hot mask, and it always bummed me out that I couldn’t wear it for Church parties. It terrorized the Sunbeams.

  • 8. Sportsattitude  |  October 16, 2007 at 10:05 am

    The logic presented here IRF escalating werewolves to the forefront of Favorite Monster To Be cannot be countered. That being said, I wish to nominate Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves Of London” as Favorite Monster To Be Theme Song.

  • 9. lemare  |  October 16, 2007 at 11:05 am

    Agreed. Werewolves of London is far superior to Monster Mash.

  • 10. Jdon  |  October 16, 2007 at 11:59 am

    Yeah, plus that song is so dang funky. I would further like to nominate it as the official song of the IRF Halloween Costume Contest.

  • 11. Lindsay  |  October 16, 2007 at 12:47 pm

    You’ve all headed astray. Can you imagine anything more terrifying than being a democrat. A Hillary mask…Ahhhh! Ted Kennedy….EEEEEkkkkk! Algore, NOOOOOOOOOO! Harry Reid—I can’t take the terror anymore! Halloween’s a comin!

  • 12. Lowdogg  |  October 16, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    The problem with Lindsay’s suggestion is that logic is a very effective countermeasure against the Hilldabeast or other varieties of Democrat. It renders most hearers immune to their weaponry of demogoguery and willful ignorance.

    I always have some logic up my sleeve. Silver bullets? Not so much.

  • 13. Jdon  |  October 16, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    Good point Lowdogg. Lets see John Edwards take down a rabid werewolf ripping his ankles off with one huge chomp. Lets see Howard Dean compete with 450 lbs of raw wolfie force. Put any werewolf against Hillary loaded with a friggin rocket launcher and no doubt in my mind that within seconds that wolf would be eating her little fingers like hot dogs!

  • 14. lemare  |  October 16, 2007 at 4:45 pm

    Does Manny the Mannequin qualify as a monster?

    What if someone entered the IRF Halloween Costume Contest dressed as Manny? How could said person lose?

  • 15. TRussell  |  October 16, 2007 at 4:45 pm

    Did you hear about Harry Reid speaking at BYU. He pretty much said that church members have been misled by previous church leaders to think that conservatism was better.

    He said that over time, most church members will shift to the democratic party and that there are more important issues than Gay Rights and Abortion.

    What a load!

  • 17. Lowdogg  |  October 16, 2007 at 10:12 pm

    Thanks for the link, Tim. What a punk.

  • 18. Lindsay  |  October 17, 2007 at 9:51 pm

    Yes, I read the transcript, TRussell. Disturbing. He’s a democrat because of his religion and not in spite of it? Whatever. What was more disturbing was some of the students’ reactions, like they’d just been enlightened. Dunderheads. They hear one talk and suddenly they are smart compassionate liberals, and love standing out at a conservative school. I was NEVER like that!!!


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