Combating the Evil Empire

October 23, 2007 at 8:45 am 13 comments

Once upon a time there was a high school senior who thought she should build her resume and have something to do after school. Because J. Crew was a little more discerning in their hires, she bit at the first offer from Abercrombie & Fitch. There were immediate signs that something stunk in suburbia, yet the allure of that stout $5.50 an hour held her in place for enough time to witness some truly horrific things about the underbelly of the Evil Empire.

  • Fellow co-workers and managers thought the world of themselves, even as a 24-year old manager lost all dignity by throwing herself at a 19-year old community college sales associate and inviting him home repeatedly after late night clothes stockings.
  • At the direction of store leadership, associates were directed to be more playful and spontaneous, much like the models in the trashy posters flung across the store. This plan had to be halted when some associates started a tag football game in the middle of the store and knocked over an unsuspecting tween.
  • In a required meeting for all employees, management coached everyone on making sure the right kind of customer lingered in the store. If someone didn’t look like they belonged and had bags from stores that were way below the caliber of the A&F fashion house or if they essentially weren’t Caucasian and preppy, associates were to follow them around asking if they could offer assistance and not leave their side until they left the store. Because certainly a Wet Seal bag = shoplifter.
  • For the highly anticipated visit of the CEO, managers instructed all of the girl associates that there was a perception “throughout the country” that they were too pretty and intimidating to approach. “You, put your hair up,” “You, put on these flip flops,” “Remove those pearls and put on this hemp beaded necklace thing,” followed.

Being a worse quitter than Michael Scott at his telemarketing gig, she was scheduled for all-night duty to set up the new summer merchandise and did not, repeat, did not, feel like her health should be sacrificed to this insulting company. So she did the grown up thing and had her college graduate sister phone her manager and tell her that her sister had been stricken with mono, and wouldn’t be making the 10pm-9am shift that night, and that she would never be coming back.

This plan to build her resume backfired which may explain some of the job opportunities she was presented with after attending a Park City job fair:


And that my friends, is what future hiring managers thought of her Abercrombie stint, and rightly so.  She had only proven that she had “amusement park skills” and the ability to sport a monster costume.
Posted by JL


Entry filed under: Commentary, Horrifying Moments, JL's Posts, Living History, Random, Work. Tags: , , .

Miller Monday – The MNBA Gird up your Judys

13 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lemare  |  October 23, 2007 at 10:51 am

    Monster costume or not, they were willing to offer “your friend” a 64% raise!

  • 2. Sportsattitude  |  October 23, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Was the “Monster” costume in any way a reference to the beloved web site promoting false hope for a jaded working world? Was it in the likeness of that cute little logoed creature they feature on commercial after commerical asking you to please post your resume on their site so your entire credit history and personal data can be hacked and shipped off to Hong Kong asap?

  • 3. Lindsay  |  October 23, 2007 at 2:12 pm

    Ah, the metaphor!

  • 4. Lindsay  |  October 23, 2007 at 2:15 pm

    Hey, LeMare, will you now be the leadership asking a certain other retailer’s little people (not a reference to Joe Miller’s column) to be playful and spontaneous and to watch the bags shoppers come in with? LeMare will be looking at the financial bottom line and issuing edicts throughout every store worldwide. Feeling powerful yet?

  • 5. lemare  |  October 23, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    I just make sure that stores are not to be opened where you will find the following retailers:

    Forever 21
    Claires Boutique
    Wet Seal
    Hot Topic

    This way, we do not have to pay employees $5.50 an hour to scan for blackballed retailers bags.

  • 6. Jdon  |  October 23, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    Wouldnt that be great to have a Hot Topic manned completely by midgets. They could all have little piercings and little tatoos. It would be so precious.

  • 7. JJ  |  October 24, 2007 at 1:48 am

    Surprisingly, Hot Topic was the only place I was able to find the finishing touch to TRussell’s Halloween costume–lime green fishnets–amongst the array of sluttly nurse and french maid costumes. I had searched high and low for green tights for his grinch costume, but, to my dismay (and all others’ relief) he refused to wear them.

  • 8. Lowdogg  |  October 24, 2007 at 11:36 am

    Plus-size Midgets.

  • 9. Lindsay  |  October 24, 2007 at 11:37 pm

    I am not familiar with those places of business, LeMare, except that your niece recently had her ears pierced at a Claires. Was that a bad move on my part?

  • 10. Sportsattitude  |  October 25, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    Do they call them “fishnets” because that’s how one’s legs feel after wearing them, like they were in fish nets?

  • 11. myrtleme  |  October 30, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    What’s even scarier? The A&F CEO.

  • 12. Lowdogg  |  October 30, 2007 at 2:35 pm

    There is something really wrong with that guy’s face.

  • 13. lemare  |  October 30, 2007 at 3:38 pm

    Myrt. Dude. This is more horrifying than I would possibly imagine!


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