The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 1

October 31, 2007 at 10:36 am 14 comments

I’m concerned about America. My concern is based on how we are creating men like this, and this, and this (very Hoff-like). Even worse, women like them. Which of these lads would have survived their first winter in the Stone Age? Their first battle in Greece? Not one methinks. We’ve taken the “fittest” out of Survival of the Fittest and allowed weaker specimens to proliferate.

Our caveman ancestors might have allowed this one to grow to adolescence. Once they realized that he was unable to provide for the tribe, he would have received one last assignment- BAIT.

How has this come to pass? A simple concept- child-proofing.

Much has been made of the “feminization” of young men. I think the problem starts much earlier, with outlet covers and child-locks. Just imagine little Uggie. Uggie wasn’t the smartest kid in the cave. His parent’s didn’t feel the need to teach him proper safe food preparation, much less numbers and colors. In their wise opinion: “Uggie need learn for self.” So Uggie did, as he ate a little bit of 2 week-old Mastadon tripe. Uggie learn hard way. Tragic though Uggie’s demise may be, the gene pool was clarified by his absence.

Now this isn’t eugenics. It is natural selection. Does anyone really think that Screech would have made it to age 10 among the Spartans? Would it have been such a bad thing if his earlier contributions to the Arts marked the end of his life and career, rather than the beginning (evidences here, here, and here)?

Mothers, unplug the outlet covers! Loosen the nail polish remover cap! Buy the lead-paint covered Thomas the Tank Engine and Polly Pocket! Do it for the Human Race! Allow the strong to survive. Once the glaciers melt and the sea level rises, we will be left with precious little land upon which to live. Being forced to use arable land for food will mean that textile production will come to a standstill. The submerging of massive Middle Eastern oil fields will require new methods of exploration far beyond our soon-to-be-decimated race, thus making synthetic, petroleum-derived products scarce. Men who can’t swing a hammer to work ore or who lack adequate body hair will not only fail to survive, but may doom the whole of humanity.

Kyoto is not enough to stem the danger. We must prepare, and to prepare we must allow the weak to taste the bitter antifreeze of life. I mean actual antifreeze. My brilliant son will figure it out, as will some others. If he has half the chest hair that I do, my clan will survive. I don’t want to have to hunt for the rest of them. Neither should you.


Entry filed under: Commentary.

Guest Post: Notes from the Field IV A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. TRussell  |  October 31, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    It is rare for me to laugh out loud when I am by myself – but the BAIT pun brought the house down.

  • 2. JL  |  October 31, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    The mother of Jennie Garth’s dance partner on Dancing with the Stars must have only let him watch broadway musicals growing up. I’ll vow to only make my son watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers once or twice a year…

  • 3. Jdon  |  October 31, 2007 at 2:43 pm

    JL, may I instead invite your son to watch Robocop once or twice a year?

  • 4. Lowdogg  |  October 31, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    I suggest Predator.

  • 5. lemare  |  October 31, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    Oh my goodness, I TOTALLY feel the same way. I have had the same conversations about childproofing being contrary to natural selection. Darwin would be turning in his GRAVE if he saw the pantywaists the young girls idolize today.

    Along with the light sockets (children dumb enough to lick their thumb and stick it in there shouldn’t reproduce), think about loosening the childproof caps (should your posterity really be unable to discern between candy and painkillers?

  • 6. lemare  |  October 31, 2007 at 10:21 pm

    JL, one more question–how many times has young PT seen Thoroughly Modern Millie?

  • 7. Lindsay  |  October 31, 2007 at 10:32 pm

    My young PT would watch nothing of the sort. Unfortunately, his father’s favorite movie is T2. And he seems to enjoy the same mayhem. And women do not like the Zac Efron types, 7 year old girls do (mine was Sharpay for Halloween today).

  • 8. JL  |  November 1, 2007 at 8:54 am

    He hasn’t had the pleasure of sitting through all three glorious hours of the original with Julie Andrews. That said, he has logged many an hour watching TiVoed episodes of The Bachelor with his mama.

  • 9. Lowdogg  |  November 1, 2007 at 9:37 am

    I’m concerned JL. Very concerned.

  • 10. TRussell  |  November 1, 2007 at 11:58 am

    Dare I say that TMM is the one show I actually saw on Broadway. It was really great. In fact, we liked the lead’s name so much, it was the leading name for baby #2 for some time.

  • 11. TRussell  |  November 1, 2007 at 12:13 pm

    JL – it just hit me. Please be careful with the Chinese dry cleaners. They may be using your last name Lee as the excuse to get close to you. But it could be they are after you as a commodity to be sold into white slavery. If you are ever in trouble, just use the secret code word “Raspberries” to call for help.

  • 12. Sportsattitude  |  November 1, 2007 at 2:02 pm

    I too am concerned about America, especially in the context of putting too much emphasis on chest hair equating to “man’s man” status. As a male who has an adequate amount of body hair but none to speak of in the specific area of the chest, I am still easily capable of exploring new worlds bravely, unearthing new food sources, etc. However, I will admit to mixing up candy and painkillers on occasion…but aren’t they really the same thing in the end?

  • 13. Lowdogg  |  November 1, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    When you are freezing to death you will wish you had misappropriated some Propecia for your chesticles.

  • 14. Lowdogg  |  November 1, 2007 at 4:17 pm

    Or avacor if you prefer.


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