Because I want to Kick it

November 6, 2007 at 11:15 am 30 comments

I had the pleasure of spending some time with my cousin the last couple of days, whom we will hitherto refer to as C-dub.  C-dub is a friend of JL’s from school, and a LIFELONG friend of Joe Miller.  This story never fails to amaze me.  It also makes me want to invest in pharmaceutical companies.

 C-dub was dating this young chippy (whom I never met as I was already in Big Oil) but JL and Joe Miller both had the pleasure.  The relationship lasted about 7 months, but C-dub wasn’t that into it, so Chippy broke up with him.  It happens.  Nothing crazy yet.

Until one week later, in the periodicals section of the library, C-dub sees Chippy, and approaches her to say hello (and basically confirm that they are going to still be friends).  He never got to that question.  Chippy YELLS in the library, “STOP TRASHING MY NAME TO EVERYONE!” and storms out.  Eyes are all on C-dub, as they try to figure out what he possibly did to this quite vocal girl.  C-dub gets out to follow her, and she walks back in, and pulls C-dub between the book shelves and starts, what may be, the most classic breakup rant of all time:  “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOUR FACE! I HATE YOUR VOICE! I NEVER LOVED YOU!  I’VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH ALL THESE OTHER GUYS THIS PAST WEEK AND AM HAVING WAY MORE FUN WITH THEM THAN I EVER HAD WITH YOU!” And this went on for 3-5 minutes, when C-Dub finally said, “Yeah, I’ve been hanging out with other girls this week and feel the same way.”  So she goes to SLAP him.  The one and only time a girl has tried to slap C-Dub, and he PROUDLY blocked it (genetically our family is quite gifted.  We have catlike reflexes).  The block made her furious and she stormed off.

One week later, he sees her on campus, Chippy approaches him and says, “You know why I’m looking at your crotch?” C-dub can’t believe what he’s hearing… she continues, “BECAUSE I WANT TO KICK IT!”  Oh man, who else can I use this most CLASSIC line on?  My old landlord?  Lots of people from Big Oil, naturally.

And then, a few days later, he sees her outside of the biology building and at this point, she has heard that when C-dub was contemplating the demise of their relationship, he made a list of reasons to break up.  She wanted this list and was CONVINCED that it was in a binder in C-Dub’s back-pack.  So all 5’2″ of her JUMPS on C-dub’s back, trying to BODY TACKLE HIM to get the backpack, hence the piece of paper, but C-dub does NOT fall to the ground, and her whole psychotic campus body-tackle attempt was all for naught.

I reminded C-dub that the college years are when most mental illness sets in.  Regardless, this girl has something the rest of us will NEVER have: kahones enough to tell a man she’s looking at his crotch because she wants to kick it.

 Posted by LeMare

Entry filed under: Fond Memories, LeMare's Posts, The Single Life. Tags: .

Miller Monday – IRF Halloween Costume Contest Winners The Rain in Spain

30 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lindsay  |  November 6, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    I’m still stuck on why cdub was with her for 7 months. Our family is surely smarter than that (in addition to our cat-like reflexes).

  • 2. Massimo  |  November 6, 2007 at 12:51 pm

    Does this young lady work for a regional paper distributor in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and does she answer to the name of Kelly?

  • 3. TRussell  |  November 6, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    I had never heard the full story!

    How did I miss out on this epic tale that happened roughly 5 years ago?

    C-dub, did you ever borrow Joe’s cup? I think it went missing and he had an unfortunate encounter during BVD season.

  • 4. JL  |  November 6, 2007 at 2:01 pm

    This story never fails to get a rise out of me. C-Dub was dating her when we were taking our Marriage Prep class and we never could have predicted the fatal end to this relationship. Chippy later turned out to be in my married ward and was always a tad uncomfortable around me. Can you suppose why?


  • 5. Jdon  |  November 6, 2007 at 2:10 pm

    Young Chippy was the source of not one but two of our major college radio hits appropriately titled Ex-Girlfriend Part 1 and Ex-girlfriend Part 2. In hindsight I wish I would have realized how great an album title “BECUASE I WANT TO KICK IT” would have made.

  • 6. Jdon  |  November 6, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    Unfortunately that cup went missing long before anyone could have ever benefited from it. Total shame!

  • 7. lemare  |  November 6, 2007 at 2:22 pm

    Massimo, I fear that the writers of The Office must somehow have met C-Dub’s young Chippy.

    JL – I kind of wish you would have kept inviting chippy over for dinner and get togethers with you and mikel… just for the stories.

  • 8. Lowdogg  |  November 6, 2007 at 3:08 pm

    Timmy, I never knew the whole story here either, though I do remember the crotch part. Do you remember when we thought she and C-dub were going to get hitched? We were taking bets based on a Valentine’s Day over/under for the proposal. And then all H— broke loose.

    I remember that Chippy had a devil-sibling, right?

    Now C-dub is among the Most Eligible Bachelors. I think that may be worthy of an INTERNET WIDE BACHELOR COMPETITION. Or not.

  • 9. Jdon  |  November 6, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    No offense to C-Dub, but is that what they are now calling RMs approaching 30? Most Eligible Bachelors? Again, no offense to C-Dub but didnt they used to be called “scary” or “hopeless” or something to that tune?

  • 10. Lowdogg  |  November 6, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    Ouch. Between him and J-Smi, I guess I just don’t know any other bachelors right now. He is certainly a more eligible bachelor than you or I.
    Eligible by elimination?

    Aren’t you guy’s best friends?

  • 11. Lowdogg  |  November 6, 2007 at 3:56 pm

    I also propose that we called J0Smi “Cooter” from now on.

    No pahticlah reason why.

  • 12. Jdon  |  November 6, 2007 at 3:59 pm

    C-Dub and I are still tight – like a shirt! (In a tweeky little Ken Meeker voice)

  • 13. Lindsay  |  November 6, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    Where in the heck is cdub? Why hasn’t he commented?

  • 14. Kerry  |  November 6, 2007 at 7:23 pm

    Well, who knows how much longer he’ll be a bachelor – per his website, he has a girlfriend!

  • 15. Lindsay  |  November 6, 2007 at 8:08 pm

    Why don’t I have a website saying I have a husband? I didn’t know people put up websites with their relationship status. Interesting. And this is a relative of mine?

  • 16. TRussell  |  November 6, 2007 at 8:55 pm

    What is the link to the website?

  • 17. lowdogg  |  November 6, 2007 at 9:31 pm

    I’m disappointed that so few of us are privy to the website.

  • 18. lemare  |  November 7, 2007 at 12:21 am

    Kerry, is it possible that you are thinking of a different C-dub than the rest of us? The C-dub we all know and love is not particularly e-savvy, and has no website that any of us know of.

    And there’s no girlfriend.

  • 19. lowdogg  |  November 7, 2007 at 10:00 am

    But he can play the harmonica AND the piano. At the SAME TIME!

  • 20. Lindsay  |  November 7, 2007 at 12:07 pm

    Again, the genetically gifted thing. And LeMare, I loved this column. I just read it again for a smile! Her lines were classic but so is this column!

  • 21. TRussell  |  November 7, 2007 at 12:45 pm

  • 22. JL  |  November 7, 2007 at 2:31 pm

    Hopefully the unveiling of this site will create a steady stream of referrals for people desiring a dentist with catlike reflexes.

  • 23. Kerry  |  November 7, 2007 at 5:55 pm

    No LeMare, as evidenced above, there is a website. He’s a little more web savvy than you gave him credit for.

  • 24. Cousin Wes  |  November 7, 2007 at 9:32 pm

    HA HA what a thread! Thanks to Lowdogg for making me aware of this, as I don’t frequent this blog nearly enough. Cousin LeMare, superb recounting of the story–I couldn’t have told it any better myself–except the last fiasco with Chippy occurred inside the SFLC (pronounced “syphilis”), not the biology building.

    Perhaps the real reason for my sustained bachelorhood is subconscious emotional trauma from being told by the girl I once loved that my procreative potential was on the verge of devastation by a sweeping kick to the mid-section. Thank heavens for cat-like reflexes…

  • 25. lemare  |  November 7, 2007 at 10:25 pm

    So much for my attempt of protecting C-dub’s anonymity!

  • 26. Lindsay  |  November 7, 2007 at 10:28 pm

    Welcome, Cousin Wes! I did notice that the website gave the general “girlfriend” and did not give a name, leading me to believe that c-dub does not have a specific person, but that there’s always “a girlfriend” out there. And maybe Cousin Wes will repent and read the blog more now that he knows he may be the subject!

  • 27. jj  |  November 7, 2007 at 11:34 pm

    So is the girlfriend real or faux? Maybe he just put that on there to go along with the rest of the resume?

  • 28. TRussell  |  November 8, 2007 at 2:06 am

    Oh she’s real! A real kick in the pants.

  • 29. critts  |  November 8, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    Oh my! That is hilarious and I cannot believe I have never heard this story. Le Mare I am disappointed that you never chose to share this gem with me but this one definitely needs to go in the book! BTW – my first thought after reading this is that chippy is probably married now and sadly JL confirmed that she is indeed. Scary.

  • 30. The Case For Settling « In Rare Form  |  February 18, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    […] While the single life has been discussed in jest in this venerable forum for issue facing both single men and single women.  This article casts aside the jokes we all make about being on the mature side […]


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