Miller Monday – The Universal Cure

November 19, 2007 at 6:49 pm 10 comments

You may have realized there was no Miller Monday last week.  There is a very good reason for that, which I intend to divulge to you today.  I feel past my prime.  Yes, I know that I am not quite thirty years old.  I still have a full head of hair and it has probably been a full year since I stopped watching Saved By the Bell reruns, but that is not exactly what I am talking about.  I know I am past my prime. 

It seemed like only yesterday that everyone I knew was encouraging me in a most optimistic fashion about the future.  I used to always hear things like, “I know you’re going on to do great things,” “I can’t wait to see what you are going to become,” “The world is your oyster,” “Your generation has so much potential,” “You will literally change the world!”  It just donned on me last week that it has been years since I last heard that kind of encouragement.  In fact, I probably haven’t heard those words in over 10 years. 

Is it possible that I reached my full potential when I was between 15 and 16 years old? I don’t know, maybe all this talk of potential really got to me.  Maybe I really started to believe it.  Maybe I let it go to my head.  It makes it all the more stinging as I look around my cubicle and realize that I am going nowhere.  Its not that I am depressed or anything and its not like I don’t have anything good going for me.  I believe I have a fairly typical American existence; married with a steady job, 1 young son, with another baby on the way.  It’s just that I have already reached my full potential and should not expect anything more out of life than what I am currently experiencing. 

When I was 16 I had it all.  I was popular, had no obligations financial or otherwise, I played guitar, participated in sports, had my successes with the ladies, and felt that one day I could really be whatever I wanted to be.  Now I sit in a cubicle all day long.  How could this happen? I believe there are others of you out there who have come to the same realization that I have: I squandered all of my potential. 

In fact, I think this is the exact feeling that most child actors experience for the rest of their lives.  I, at least, will most likely snap out of it.  What can you say about the red-headed step brother of Arnold Jackson from Different Strokes (I think his name was Sam)?  Or what about the young girl who played Margeux on Punky Brewster?  Or the kid on Punky Brewster with the headgear (I think his name was Allen).  Or Punky Brewster herself for that matter?  I believe there should be a name for this kind of dilemma, and I think it should be called Punkybrewsteritis.   At least I peaked when I was 15.  The cast of Punky Brewster peaked when they were like 8.  Wow, that is even more pathetic than me.  Who could forget Punky’s next door neighbor, Cherrie Johnson?  She used to wear a belt on her head for some reason.  I will bet you twenty bucks her life is way worse than mine.  Probably smoking crack behind a 7-11 somewhere.  I’m starting to feel pretty good about myself.  What was the name of the ugly younger sister from Family Ties?  The blonde one… oh, who cares, there is no way she even has a cubicle to complain about.  I’ll bet she is doing nails in some hair “salon” in Nebraska.  And what about Wesley from Mr. Belvedere?  He couldn’t have been more than 10 when his life came to a screeching halt.  Sad, sad, sad.  To think the best years of his life were spent with some overweight, British, pedophile. You know what?  I’m feeling pretty good about myself now. 

Wait a minute, did I just stumble upon a cure for depression? Could it be that all you need to do is think about child actors and how much better off you are compared to them. Yes, this is exactly the cure that we have been looking for.  Forget Zoloft, Prozac, and Paxil.  Simply crutches for weak minds.  In fact this reminds me of a little conversation that IRF patron saing, Tom Cruise, once had with Matt Lauer.  If memory serves me well, they were speaking about Brooke Shields and her use of antidepressants. 

MATT LAUER:   Aren’t there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?  

TOM CRUISE:  All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That’s what it does. That’s all it does. You’re not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. 

There you go.  Stop masking the problem and deal with it.  Dont be depressed.  Compare yourself to a child actor and feel better immediately!  Then again, Brooke Shields was a child actor…maybe she should just stick to the drugs.  

Sincerely Yours,   

Joe Miller


Entry filed under: Miller Monday.

I Can Hear You Now What’s For Dinner?

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. TRussell  |  November 19, 2007 at 8:13 pm

    Or just compare yourself to the Telegraph Boy from The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. or Boy 1 from Designing Women.

    What are these guys up to anyway?

  • 2. Jdon  |  November 19, 2007 at 8:23 pm

    I’m not sure, but I do know they are a lot worse off than me and you. Isnt life good?

  • 3. JL  |  November 20, 2007 at 12:17 am

    A perfect post for the week of Thanksgiving: gratitude that even though we may dwell in cubicles, our potential’s nowhere near as squandered as Macaulay Culkin’s.

  • 4. lemare  |  November 20, 2007 at 1:57 am

    Joe Miller, I love that you use a post of this tenor to announce to IRF readers that Amy is with child.

    And the ugly younger sister on Family Ties is Tina Yuthers. My sister, Kerry, enrolled in her official fan club, back in the day and learned that Tina loves perfume… and even puts it in her hair.

  • 5. Jdon  |  November 20, 2007 at 12:53 pm

    Did it mention anything about Tina Yuthers aspiring to cut hair professionally once her career in television peters out? I sure hope so!

    By the way, we waited until Amy was 21 weeks pregnant to tell my mother that we were expecting. Patsy just thought she was getting fat. Come to think of it that might be the subject of another post.

  • 6. Sportsattitude  |  November 20, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    All I’ve ever had to do is just step outside my cubicle, office, house…whatever…and talk to just one or two other folks to find out things ain’t so bad in my personal universe after all. It is amazing when you open up and share experiences with other people to find out all of the crap they are dealing with regarding finances, employment, health, relatives, etc. in their lives. Easy to put things in perspective. Yes, I too have surely squandered a boatload of potential across 49 years to-date…but tomorrow is a new day bringing with it new potential. I think sometimes, like I am trying to do now with employment alternatives, we all have to have the courage to step outside of our existing circumstances and comfort level and go down a new, completely different road…like possibly opening a care center for wayward former child actors and actresses?

  • 7. amym  |  November 20, 2007 at 6:25 pm

    I didn’t know you were popular with the ladies…atleast that’s not what I heard…:)

  • 8. Lindsay  |  November 20, 2007 at 10:24 pm

    I think it’s Yothers, not Yuthers, and I remember said sister joining the fan club. As to “Who can forget Cherrie Johnson?”, um, me.

  • 9. blacktygrrrr  |  November 20, 2007 at 11:23 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving My Friend.

    eric aka

  • 10. Lowdogg  |  November 21, 2007 at 12:52 am

    You are past your prime.


    But so am I.


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