Miller Monday – A post about Patsy Jean

November 26, 2007 at 7:56 pm 5 comments

Anyone who has ever met my mother, Patsy Jean Miller, would immediately find her to be a woman of high moral character.  It should be noted, however, that moral fiber and good old dumb luck do not often good bedfellows make.  What could I possibly mean by such a perplexing statement?  In simple terms, simply because you are a good person it does not follow that ill fortune will not smile upon you.  

Point A — Elizabeth Smart was a wholesome, pure, and lovely girl who, as luck would have it, was abducted by a crazed Utah polygamist.  Her father unfortunately had invited the crazy polygamist dude to do some construction on his house unawares of his seedy intentions.  This story still makes me sick.

Point B – Reginald Denny was a truck driver whose April 29, 1992 route took him into the heart of Los Angeles.  Unfortunately, the fair citizens of Los Angeles began rioting that afternoon and Mr. Denny was savagely thrown from his truck and nearly beaten to death.  A jury of his “peers” found no guilt amongst the citizens who beat his head in with a brick.  If I were Reginald Denny I wouldn’t ever purchase a lottery ticket because we all know that luck probably isn’t even in his genes.

Anyways, I bring this up as a defense against some wild accusations that have been spreading like the California wildfires.  First, allow me to say that it is true that my wife is pregnant with our second child.  We are very excited.

Second, I feel a need to clarify exactly why we chose so long to tell our family.  The reason is simple: my mother, Patsy Jean Miller, is bad luck.  Honestly!  I can prove it. I actually have empirical evidence. 

Patsy Jean has five wonderful grandchildren, some more wonderful than others.  Without fail, when someone in the Miller family is impregnated, Patsy wants to be the first to know.  Even before gender can be established, my Mom without fail begins knitting pink blankets, bonnets, booties, bed-sheets, and wedding dresses.  Thus, she has been punished with all grandsons. 

Realizing how Patsy has so foolishly been tempting fate, we decided it was in her best interest not to know that my wife Amy is pregnant.  We had one awkward moment a few weeks ago when Amy was about 17-18 weeks pregnant and obviously showing.  Patsy couldn’t hold it in any longer and asked, “Amy are you pregnant?”   Kudos to my wife for doing the right thing and lying to my mom.  We flat out told her that Amy had managed to put on a few pounds.  I then proceeded to make Patsy feel guilty telling her that is something you never ask a woman.  You will all agree that it was a necessary evil.  We waited 21 weeks to find out the gender and then wallah: we find out we are having a girl.  How can anyone deny the hard proof?

 It’s easy to say you love your momma.  But how many people can honestly say that they love their momma enough to lie to her?  I’ll tell you one guy who: This Guy! Sincerely, Joe Miller   

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Entry filed under: Miller Monday.

True Confessions The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 2

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. JL  |  November 26, 2007 at 9:21 pm

    Congratulations on a sister for Joshua. He’ll now have someone else to share in his Mickey Mouse paranoia.

    A credit to your acting/lying skills that you were able to conceal an obvious baby bump to Patsy. Twenty one weeks is the longest I’ve heard anyone besides J-Lo be able to evade a pregnancy confirmation.

    Reply
  • 2. lemare  |  November 26, 2007 at 11:32 pm

    I am so pleased that good fortune has fallen upon the Miller family. By the way, Baby Girl Miller sounds like she is going to be teacher’s pet (Patsy being the teacher).

    Speaking of Patsy, have you stopped bothering that poor woman with questions about her menstrual cycle?

    Reply
  • 3. jdon  |  November 27, 2007 at 1:20 pm

    The world needs to know about Patsy’s hot flashes.

    Reply
  • 4. TRussell  |  November 27, 2007 at 1:53 pm

    I am taken back circa Fall 2000 when I first met Ryan Miller, JDon’s older brother. I recall conversations purely about nothing in which the two swapped lies. It was almost like a contest to see who could keep the straiter face, assert greater moral authority, or belittle the other through the use of lies. It was a complex ritual that mirrored a modern day battle of wits.

    Needless to say, I fully expect JDon to lie to his mother. What is more heartening is that he has found a mate that can match him stride for stride in perpetuating falsehoods as a means to test intellectual capacity.

    Reply
  • 5. Lowdogg  |  November 27, 2007 at 11:51 pm

    I’m just pleased to see that the Miller Fam has decided to follow the Lowry plan. I find it beneficial for the young women to have a bodyguard/assassin in residence. My son will be trained in firearms and small explosives, purely for defense of course.

    Reply

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