The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 2

November 30, 2007 at 11:47 am 8 comments

I’m concerned about the status of culinary arts in America. Just the other day I was returning from a long sojourn to the west with my family. Owing to the late hour and our impending 1.5 hour drive to our final destination, I thought it wise to procure victuals. Fortunately, a fine establishment was available, just when I needed it. I shrugged off the derisive reaction of the missus and ordered a childhood favorite, while she chose the breaded breast of chicken.

 We began our trip, and within a few moments my bride was distressed. She removed what appeared to have once been a leaf of lettuce from her sandwich. It was wilted and slimy, lacking the satisfying crispness of her favorite leafy green. This prompted an interesting conversation where she said the following:

 “It makes me wonder if some of these people even eat lettuce.”

 I know there are various issues confronting today’s youth. I focus on them, as they represent America’s culinary present and future. I wonder if the “Episode of the Slimy Lettuce,” is a harbinger of what is to come. Here are some frightening possibilities, as put forth by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Edible Herbaceous Plants:

Unless immediate action is taken to improve worldwide culinary education, the following scenarios seem likely:

  • By 2017 less than 22% of the persons ages 12-19 will be able to distinguish between Romaine and Iceberg Lettuce.
  • By 2022 more than 75% of baby carrot consumers will believe that the dimunitive carrots “are born that way.”
  • By 2024 lazy and unscrupulous fast food companies will replace lettuce with a synthetic green wax paper that dissolves on contact with human saliva.

Clearly something must be done, IMMEDIATELY! Despite mankind’s inability to predict the advent of trans-fat free donuts until earlier this year, certainly the projections of the UNIPEHP should be taken seriously. The 2024 scenario is particularly troubling, as the poor education of today’s culinary workers can be traced directly to the “quick-service” chains who fail to adequately prepare their staff. This is done so that, by 2025, lettuce is no longer consumed in this country, making more room for feedlots filled with methane-producing beef cattle.

Act for crispness! Go green! Demand that your purveyor of fine cuisine supply what you desire, nay, what you need to prevent the nightmare scenarios brought forth through the heroic efforts of the UNIPEHP. Maybe someone should nominate them for the Nobel Peace Prize…


Entry filed under: Commentary, Current Events, Fine Food. Tags: .

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. JL  |  November 30, 2007 at 12:37 pm

    Finally a green campaign worth caring about. Nothing more unnecessary than wilted, dilapidated lettuce to rob the juicy crunch that comes before biting into the meat patty. I will start educating my son’s friends that baby carrots aren’t born that way!

  • 2. Sportsattitude  |  November 30, 2007 at 4:41 pm

    Heads of iceberg lettuce have been on the decline for a few years now. One or two sections deep from the outside diameter will show really green, vibrant, fresh pieces ready and waiting for anticipated enjoyment/consumption but…buyer beware…underneath this cruel tease is nothing but a remaining bowling ball of a hard, white, core-like substance of whatever iceberg lettuce is when it doesn’t fully come to its once-glorious potential. If we can’t get lettuce right people, what’s next? Ground beef?

  • 3. lillie  |  November 30, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    So I’ve never checked this one— SO funny Joe. I love it because I know my sister so well and I can imagine the scenario with the wilted lettuce. I’m so with her on that– I can’t help but judge a restaurant by their lettuce. Every once in a while you go to a place that seems like it should be decent– and all the salads are nothing but iceberg. Pretty sure Mimi’s Cafe is like that and I alway meet people who like it– but I can’t bring myself to try it again because it screams iceberg lettuce and ranch to me. Who calls that a salad?

  • 4. lemare  |  November 30, 2007 at 5:37 pm

    How ARE baby carrots born?

  • 5. lowdogg  |  November 30, 2007 at 7:07 pm

    When a mommy carrot and a daddy carrot really love each other…

  • 6. Sportsattitude  |  December 3, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    I once knew a woman named Romaine. She had no babies, carrots or otherwise. Since the whole lettuce industry appears to be in general disarray, I would propose IRF consider creation of an international standards organization to ensure all lettuce, regardless of ethnic or religious background, maintain a high level of quality…perhaps call it L.I.P.S.? (Lettuce Industry Production Standards)

  • 7. Cody  |  December 4, 2007 at 9:09 pm

    Iceberg lettuce is useless anyways. Mostly water, few nutrients…it’s only good for its texture.

    The green wax paper prediction reminds me of Soylent Green for some reason…

  • 8. lemare  |  December 4, 2007 at 9:18 pm

    It’s people!!!


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