The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 6

April 20, 2008 at 10:37 pm 3 comments

I wanted to get this post out before too much time had passed since the IRF One Year Anniversary. It may be emblematic of what I bring to the table. Hopefully I don’t regret this.

WARNING: This post contains the word poop and synonyms. More than once. Enjoy.

I needed a respite from the tumult of the political season, and turned my substantial brain to the task of sustainable agriculture. This is especially critical in light of the impending worldwide food crisis. What does sustainable agriculture mean? I always thought it meant that when you pulled something out of the ground (food), you planted something in its place (more food). It also seems logical that you would want to maximize the yield and viability of the harvest. This is where the problem arises- SCIENCE had come up with ARTIFICIAL ways of increasing yield and protecting crops from pests and disease. How presumtuous of SCIENCE! SCIENCE is so proud of itself. Too bad SCIENCE doesn’t understand that the only way to grow food is organically. It is so obvious!

Naysayers of the organic movement have some criticism. They claim that there is no real harm done by altering foods and using fertilizer and other synthetic growing aids. Perhaps, but I know that when I buy organic food in the store I feel very special, more special than when I buy regular old non-organic foods. If organic food can have that effect on me before I even eat it, imagine what it is doing inside of my body! Take that SCIENCE!

Critics also claim that it will never be possible to supply enough food using organic growing methods. I have to admit that there is not enough livestock to provide all the requisite poo-poo. Nonetheless, I have a solution: human poo.

In this utopian ideal, driven by capitalist principles of course, people will be compensated for their pooduction. Simply put, some people are better poopers. These are my Alpha Poopers. In an all-organic future they are the creme-de-la-creme. More meager poo-makers will still receive recognition according to their gifts.

Understanding that not everyone is born with the same opportunities (or excretory systems), the Poo-aucracy will ensure that all citizens have access to training that can help them move up the ranks to the Alpha level. It’s only fair after all.

If we are to avoid the tremendous danger of worldwide food shortages, we have to ensure that the best quality food is availabe, and a lot of it. How better to do this than with our own doo-doo? I wish I could fully dive into the merits of this enticing plan. Perhaps another day.

Ignore the critics, the closed-minded. SCIENCE can only do so much, understand so much. We with the vision will take things to the next level!


Entry filed under: Commentary, Current Events, Irreverence, Random. Tags: .

We could all learn a thing or two… SkyMall Strikes Again

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Chris-your bro  |  April 20, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    In the words of my favorite TV show, “Scrubs”, Everything comes down to poo.

  • 2. Sportsattitude  |  April 21, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    In the words of the legendary Frank Barone from “Everybody Loves Raymond” fame…”Holy Crap!”

  • 3. lemare  |  April 24, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    This is almost worse than Soylent Green.


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