The Lamentations of Lowry – Chapter 10: Tyranny of the Minority

September 7, 2008 at 8:48 pm 3 comments

Our system of government is structured with some protections for the minority. Even the smallest states have equal representation in the Senate. 3/4 of state legislatures have to ratify any amendements to the Constitution. In principle I have no problem with this. In practice? Let me relay a recent scenario:

Lowdogg III has started a twice a week pre-school. On his first day my wife made him his new favorite lunch snack, peanut butter and jelly. Later that day she checked her e-mail only to find that one of the 10 children has a peanut allergy. As a result there will be NO MORE pb&j.

Needless to say, this dilemma has a provoked no end of deep soul-searching. I had to wonder at the impact of the anti-peanut population and what their eventual goals are. The solution presented itself as I mined my deep understanding of Hawaiian history. From Wikipedia’s entry for Kalawao County, Hawaii:

…there the Kingdom of Hawaii, the territory, and the state once exiled persons suffering from leprosy (Hansen’s disease) beginning in the 1860s. The quarantine policy was lifted in 1969, after the disease became treatable on an outpatient basis and could be rendered non-contagious. However, many of the resident patients chose to remain, and the state has promised they can stay there for the rest of their lives. No new patients, or other permanent residents, are admitted. Visitors are only permitted as part of officially-sanctioned tours. 



What a brilliant idea! Exile all of the peanut-allergy minority to their very own colony. It’s possible that some will be opposed to that idea. Just like the residents of Kalawao County, I’m sure they’ll eventually get to the point where they never want to leave!

I suppose that we do have to make some allowance for the interests of this troublesome minority. I propose we allow fair and free elections every year to elect members of the President’s Blue-Ribbon Commission on Food Allergies! I was concerned that they might think concession implies some measure of sovereignty, but we’ll make sure and follow the classic practice of ignoring Blue-Ribbon Commissions (often not a bad thing), so problem solved.

I suppose the only thing that we have to worry about now is where to put the peanut prison colony. There are a few options. Each of these will require some upfront cost, as they are ruled by governments hostile to the interests of the United States. Here they are:


As we confront the danger inherent in the machinations of the antipeanutites we are confronted with some difficult choices. As long as change is involved, we should be okay.


Entry filed under: Commentary, Irreverence, Random. Tags: , , , .

Conventioneering A Study on Physical Attraction

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sportsattitude  |  September 9, 2008 at 9:28 pm

    All of the proposed relocation settlements have merit. Perhaps the lesser peanut-allergic cases could be relocated to an island called “Smooth” and the more troublesome types isolated on an isle named “Chunky?” This way, peanut allergy rehabilitation could possibly be initiated down the road for those who are not as afflicted while ensuring those with terminal cases are properly isolated.

  • 2. lowdogg  |  September 10, 2008 at 9:44 am

    Excellent idea. Excellent.

  • 3. TRussell  |  September 10, 2008 at 11:56 am

    This disease also crosses racial lines what with Jiff, Skippy, Reeses, Generic, and the various assortments of Organic.


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