Posts filed under ‘Harriet Carter’
With the election over, it’s time to turn our thoughts to Christmas. Harriet Carter, a perennial favorite, offers some new and exciting products for the most discriminating buyer. Perfect gifts for people who already have everything and can take a joke.
Is it a fleece? Is it a cape? Is it a cult? The Snuggie offers the rare blended look of Fundamentalist meets Star Wars.
Harriet boasts that these sleeping pets actually “breathe.” For apartments prohibiting pets?
This just screams Clark W. Griswold from Christmas Vacation. For the bargain price of $12.98, you can declare to the world that you are a Harriet Carter disciple. To complete the look of complete seasonal cheer, you can also purchase a computer garland.
“Wrap this warm kitty pillow around your neck and feel the aches and tensions of the day disappear.” There is a 70 percent chance that a woman who’d order this for herself hoards cats in her home.
Now, while the catalog offers a wide array of dickies, from ruffled to shirt-style, I’m dismayed to discover Harriet doesn’t offer any tapestry blazers. These coats of many colors are the finest fashion statement a grand dame can make.
Apparently Harriet Carter has become aware that many of her products are ripe for mockery. In order to mask the fact that the hot dog toaster, ear lifts and Urine Gone weren’t meant to be ridiculed, dear HC has peppered her namesake catalog with things that are supposed to be funny. This almost ruins the point, but I digress. Presenting to you the inventory that intends to provide a laugh at the sake of the buyer:
The Boyfriend Pillow, a polyester steal for $19.98, would be one of those perfect passive aggressive gifts from that uncle conspicuously nudging you down the aisle. The note card would most certainly offer a free online dating membership to soften the blow. The smug married copy writers at HC write: Boyfriend pillow always provides a shoulder to lean on! It’s nice to have a comforting arm around you as you watch TV or read a book. Boyfriend pillow wears a polyester fleece shirt, which is great to snuggle up to. What could be cozier on a chilly night? I wonder if Tara Reid knows about this yet.
Next we have:
Bingo Masks, a pricier splurge at $22.98, but well worth the investment when you consider the occasions to freak out drive-through workers, flight attendants and inspire a lynching at any Sunrise Retirement Home on, you guessed it, bingo night.
O’ Fair Harriet, we beseech you to just hawk inventive commodities like the knork®! Or at the very least, head turning goods that irritate one’s sensibility. SkyMall Magazine, 1. Harriet Carter, 0:
In a moment of alarm, I realized that the two previous posts have a disturbing similarity. We have the Bumper Bonnet in JL’s Harriet Carter Post and then in Peruvian jungle, Shigella-riddled LeMare in a zip-lining helmet just hours after “the incident” in the cot…
And better yet, Buster in Arrested Development…
Harriet Carter, purveyor of innovative products that women with multiple cats just adore, consistently delivers wares that surprise and delight. Who knew there were hot dog toasters and ear lifts available all within pages of each other? There must be a market for these things despite there not being a clear need for the products. Tonight we look at some of the latest offerings…
The waist extender promises to add up to 5″ to your trusty Levis. After devouring a full buffet at swanky all-you-can-eat establishments, the extender could provide some sweet relief. The claim of “no more costly tailoring” sounds fairly honest (if you’re in need of constantly altering the waist on your jeans) as opposed to a $14,000 exercise machine that promises complete fitness with just four minutes a day of exercise. The makers of such a machine note front and center they have three big marketing problems and attempt to convince skeptics with their winning site WhyIsItSoExpensive.com.
Harriet Carter’s vision has caught fire in SkyMall Magazine–what better time to persuade bored passengers what is missing in their life than on a cross-country flight–and the evidence is plentiful.
Can’t you just see the MasterCard commercial? Trailer Hitch Stand and Two Chairs: $199.00. Six pack of beer: $8.00. Permanent loss of respect among passers-by in the parking lot: priceless.
In response to the astute question posed here, the answer boils down again to respect, dignity and honor. While most of us aren’t able to answer this affirmatively, we can say that we have room to eat our pretzels, watch the in-flight movie and not be eyed suspiciously by the Federal Air Marshal.
And finally, a product for all of the anxious mothers of toddlers out there. No more losing sleep about the bruises your baby is collecting on his forehead from knocking his head on the coffee table, the church pew or the book case. Rather than drug your little tot with Benadryl for that long flight, just have him wear this up until 36 months of age. When he gets fussy you’ll get nothing but sympathy from your fellow passengers, as they’ll immediately suppose he’s on a special path in life.
JL and my relationship is based on several concrete, immovable institutions. In addition to our mutual affinity of Supply-side economics, Waiting for Guffman, Krispy Kreme, and Miller Mondays, the very foundation remains: Harriet Carter.
So, please, enjoy the ride. This will be but the first of many glimpses into the world of Harriet Carter. My comments are highlighted.
Irrigation Spikes – Enhance the aesthetic of your flower garden with some used Fanta 2-Litres.
Irrigation Spikes drive the water straight to the plant root. Spikes attach to most soft drink containers to create a slow-drip irrigation system that lets water reach deep into the soil. $7.98
No Mildew Bath Mat – Are we SURE this is preferable to mildew?
Hide-a-Pipe Stump – I beg of you, just leave the pipe be!
Hot Dog Toaster – You know you have a problem when your consumption frequency requires a specific appliance.
Hot Dog Toaster is a real “wiener”! Why drag out the grill or boil pots of water when you can have hot, tasty frankfurters and buns in the time it takes to make toast? $29.98
Ear Lifts – A miracle bra for pierced ears? Genius!
Ear Lifts™ give droopy, sagging, torn or damaged lobes a boost! Reduces appearance of stretched or torn ear lobes and prevents future stretching. $9.98
Until Volume II,