Posts filed under ‘JL’s Posts’
A student teacher has to draw up an American history test for his tenth grade history students, focusing on post-World War II national events. He figures he will make it easy, seeing as how they’re just about to break for Memorial Day weekend.
Question #1: Name the intern who had inappropriate relations with President Bill Clinton in 1995.
This one stumps some of the students. What was that intern’s name?!!! One student writes, “Lebowski.” Student teacher laughs while he grades this test, but really enjoys the legendary response of “Martin Luther King, Jr.” What other conspiracy theories is this brilliant kid keeping from the United States? He certainly must know what goes down at Area 51.
Question #9: Name the hippie music festival that took place in the late 1960′s and early 1970′s.
Again, some kids are stumped. One girl in particular has no idea. She asks for help. Student Teacher says, “I’ll give you a clue. It starts with a ‘W’.” Girl rolls her eyes. “Okay, then an ‘o’ and another ‘o’, then a ‘d’. Girl’s eyes light up and she scribbles down, “Woodlog.” Student Teacher interjects and says, “Try again.” After thinking, she crosses out her first feeble attempt and confidently writes, “Woodshop.”
Woodshop vs. Woodstock (easily confusable!)
Heaven help our teachers.
*Thanks, CJ, for the story!*
It may be presumptuous to claim that anybody who sees these wants these. But it’s true. (It’s far less presumptuous than Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 claiming that everybody wants her parrot hair do).
Without further ado, a little recipe for anyone who needs to a) win the grand prize at a cookie contest b) make amends with someone or c) take a break from job applications.
Peanut Butter Brownie Cookies
Pillsbury Bake-Off Finalist, 2004
1 box traditional fudge brownie mix
1/4 cup butter, melted
4 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 cup powdered sugar
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 container (1 lb. size) chocolate fudge ready-to-spread frosting
1. Heat oven to 350. In medium bowl, beat brownie mix, melted butter, cream cheese and egg 50 strokes with spoon until well blended (dought will be sticky).
2. Onto ungreased cookie sheets, drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart to make 24 cookies; smooth edge of each to form round cookie.
3. In small bowl, mix powdered sugar and peanut butter with spoon until mixture forms a ball. With hands, roll rounded teaspoonfuls into 24 balls. Lightly press 1 ball into center of each ball of dough.
4. Bake 10 to 14 minutes or until edge are set. Cool cookies on cookie sheets at least 30 minutes.
5. Remove cooled cookies from cookie sheets. Spread thin layer of frosting over peanut butter portion of each cooled cookie.
These creations are so potent that no one has ever been able to eat more than two in one sitting. Consider that a challenge…
At the beginning of the year, my grocery store broke up with me. It wasn’t planned. It was sudden, painful and frankly unnecessary. They had me at “hello” when as a preschooler, they let my class fieldtrip go behind the scenes and watch the bread bake and the sausage machine magically produce tubes of meat. As an adult, part of the draw for me was that it was always empty which of course turned out to be its downfall.
An uncommitted shopper with two tots in tow, I’ve wiped the slate clean and have ventured far and wide to claim a new store of my own. This period of time coincided with the last season of The Bachelor and I can’t help but compare myself to Jason Mesnick as he dealt with overly flirtateous and desperate women vying for his business.
Some of the grocery stores have been so aggressive in their courtship, it’s as uncomfortable as watching Jillian make out with Jason in the hot tub for 10 minutes of ABC prime time. When Safeway gives away four 12-packs of Diet Coke for $7, you feel a little unclean. When Shoppers Food Warehouse tosses free cereal boxes at you AND a coupon for $5 off a $15 purchase, you question your worth.
BJ’s, the poor man’s Costco, gave me over a year’s membership for half the price of a Costco renewal AND a membership for a friend. Harris Teeter has given me a coupon for the last twelve weeks for $10 off a purchase of $40 or more AND given my children free cookies and balloons on each visit. The only thing we’re missing is painted butterflies on our faces. And on it goes as I accumulate frequent shopper cards on my key chain and scope out my prospects.
Wegmann’s, the Rochester-based wonder chain, is the only one that’s played hard to get and I’ve fallen hard. Underground parking, double decker carts with seating for two, a functioning toy train track cascading above the dairy section, and pre-made meals to beat the band. They may be receiving the rose at the Final Rose Ceremony, but I trust in Jason’s example knowing I can always go back to Safeway if the first option falls through. All Wegmann’s has to do to seal the deal is open a child-care center like they offer in New York and I’m all theirs.
Consider this a PSA for any charitable hearts out there who may be made to feel sorry for door knockers. The kind that tell you they need to sell magazine subscriptions to pay for college and their fatherless child. The kind that ask for a drink of water and end up taking a Coke Zero.
They may compliment you on your curtains and your cute children, but in the end, you’re out $90 and you only get two weeks, not one year, of US Weekly. Upon calling US Weekly directly, they have no record of your payment for a one-year subscription. When you Google the name of the door-to-door sales company, True Vision, the first result is entitled: Rip-off Report: True Vision Magazine Scam.
So consider yourselves warned. Accept the missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but deny the misfits from True Vision. I’ve been punk’d and I probably funded a night of wreckless drug use among single pregnant moms.
Rarely do six-year olds make the news. What’s even more rare is when two of their stories provide the perfect back drop for the polar opposite ways one can raise her child.
Tiernan Paul, a kindergartener, is still breastfed by his mother, Robyn. She feels it creates a closer bond between them and allows her to soothe her son. Tiernan’s two older siblings also breastfed until the age of six and they have only fond memories of their days being nursed. Robyn says she enjoys very open communication and strong relationships with her kids, due in part to their prolonged breastfeeding.
Six is definitely too old in my book for this, but you can’t argue that this mom has earned a medal of valor for her efforts in being there for her kids. (We complained to my sister that her two and a half year old was too old for it, since he was eating hot dogs in one hand and leaning in for sips in between bites. She might have been on ABC News in Robyn’s place had she not thrown in the towel shortly after she became pregnant around her son’s third birthday).
In the other corner, we have a first grader who feels like he has to fend for himself.This poor little guy missed the school bus and hopped in mom’s Taurus and drove himself 10 miles to get there. He slammed into a utility pole and told the sheriff “he did not want to miss breakfast and PE.” The boy’s father had been under court order not to leave his two sons alone with their mother, so sadly, the boys have now been placed in foster care. The mom is in jail.
Even though Tiernan is poised for some tortuous years of teenage teasing and some embarrassing slides in his wedding slide show, he he has nothing on what our little Taurus driver is going to have to deal with if this is the kind of supervision and parental involvement to which he’s grown accustomed.
LeMare has always been a fiercely loyal and protective friend. After rooming with my older sister at BYU, she quickly became friends with every single member of my family. From Krispy Kreme camp outs in Orem to all-you-can-eat brunches in Wisconsin, LeMare became a part of our family fabric and a trusted advisor in uncertain situations. When my younger sister was faced with a school decision, LeMare wisely doled out the following letter to her 13-year old pal (unearthed just today from the archives):
JL tells me of your desire to attend boarding school in McLean. I will have none of this. Do you understand how adversely this would affect your mother? Oh, Ween, it would be devastating. Plus, you’ll live with all sorts of weird kids who aren’t members of the church and there wll be peer pressure and before you know it, all your friends are little hellions like Dwighto’s were in high school.
Additionally, you were not meant to eat cafeteria food. Do you know what they put in Salisbury Steak? Neither do I, Ween, neither do I. And your special meal of the week would be from a frozen little package. And the pie would be nothing other thn instant pudding mix thrown in a pre-made graham cracker crust…Try, if you will, to comprehend the repercussions after a meal of and broccoli from the freezer. I don’t wish to further explore the associated tragedy! and
Anyhow, there are numerous reasons why I think you should stay at home (live in your nice house where your mother cooks lovely meals and parents go to fine restaurants regularly). Oh, think of subjecting yourself to dorm life at such a vulnerable age.think about not being able to take a shower without wearing flip-flops. Think about how tiny and sparsely decorated your room will be. Then think about Chez Vous. Ours are the only feet in your shower. And your room is decorated in the finest of tastes, no doubt. Ween, there is no reasonable explanationfor inflicting this malarchy on me and your family.
As we prepare for the biggest food day of the year, it’s important to know where to look for the best food inspiration. Gwyneth Paltrow, actress in such critically acclaimed movies such as Hush and View From the Top, has launched a weekly e-newsletter called GOOP. The tagline is “nourish the inner aspect.” Fashion sense and soul, perhaps, could be nourished by GP, but certainly not body. As the old adage goes, never trust a skinny chef.
While ensuring a good dose of fiber and certainly well-intentioned, her Buckwheat and Banana pancakes pale in comparison to what some of her heftier cohorts in the field produce. Do you doubt for a moment the joy of sinking your teeth into Paula Deen’s hashbrown breakfast, french toast casserole or breakfast burrito? Or even question whether Ina Garten’s breakfast bread pudding is good for you?
Some areas are best left to the professionals.
With the election over, it’s time to turn our thoughts to Christmas. Harriet Carter, a perennial favorite, offers some new and exciting products for the most discriminating buyer. Perfect gifts for people who already have everything and can take a joke.
Is it a fleece? Is it a cape? Is it a cult? The Snuggie offers the rare blended look of Fundamentalist meets Star Wars.
Harriet boasts that these sleeping pets actually “breathe.” For apartments prohibiting pets?
This just screams Clark W. Griswold from Christmas Vacation. For the bargain price of $12.98, you can declare to the world that you are a Harriet Carter disciple. To complete the look of complete seasonal cheer, you can also purchase a computer garland.
“Wrap this warm kitty pillow around your neck and feel the aches and tensions of the day disappear.” There is a 70 percent chance that a woman who’d order this for herself hoards cats in her home.
Now, while the catalog offers a wide array of dickies, from ruffled to shirt-style, I’m dismayed to discover Harriet doesn’t offer any tapestry blazers. These coats of many colors are the finest fashion statement a grand dame can make.
Come one, come all, and enter the Second Annual IRF Halloween Contest. Email your costume pictures to InRareFormGuestPost at yahoo dot com by midnight November 4.
As you tire of watching red states turn purple, dash to your computer and email us your non-slutty, preferably Proposition 8-supporting costumes. We are predisposed to awarding little munchkins the grand prize, but our adult readers should give it a shot too.
And now for some nice seasonal, topical humor:
Our grand prize will be letting the top three winners keep their full stashes of Halloween loot.
This “Man on the Street” interview is quite interesting. The interviews were conducted in Harlem and the guy asks respondents if they’re for Obama while stating positions of John McCain. No one catches the trick.
All of the interviewees agreed that they supported Obama’s VP pick of Sarah Palin among other McCain positions. This probably reveals how little attention most Americans pay to the candidates’ positions and policies. Image alone shouldn’t be enough to secure a vote. Read their actual stances here for Obama and here for McCain, so you won’t get caught in an embarrassing situation while out and about before Election Day.