Posts filed under ‘The Single Life’

We could all learn a thing or two…

What won’t Cal Berkeley provide with us?  If not people protesting internet censorship in China and throwing red paint at Soccer Moms SUV’s, now they are providing us with research that could change our lives. 

It’s true, there is more than meets the eye when it comes to Octupus sex, and I think that we humans could learn a thing or two. 

1. “Males prefer large females,” Caldwell said. “If you’re going to invest in guarding, you want to get the most bang for your buck.”  (If we were Octupuses, I would’t have to waste money on my pesky personal trainer or say “I’ll pass” when the dessert menu comes by.

2.  “It was very common to have a very large male next to a large female,” Huffard said. “He could give her his sperm without leaving his den, and she didn’t leave hers. Nobody has to give up their apartment.”  (Well, this is just plain genius.  Men don’t have to put up with women nagging them about helping out around the house and women don’t have to deal with the ineveitable black leather recliner and enormous TV that wreak of testosterone).

Octupus sex.  I like the way they think

April 20, 2008 at 11:31 am 2 comments

Because I want to Kick it

I had the pleasure of spending some time with my cousin the last couple of days, whom we will hitherto refer to as C-dub.  C-dub is a friend of JL’s from school, and a LIFELONG friend of Joe Miller.  This story never fails to amaze me.  It also makes me want to invest in pharmaceutical companies.

 C-dub was dating this young chippy (whom I never met as I was already in Big Oil) but JL and Joe Miller both had the pleasure.  The relationship lasted about 7 months, but C-dub wasn’t that into it, so Chippy broke up with him.  It happens.  Nothing crazy yet.

Until one week later, in the periodicals section of the library, C-dub sees Chippy, and approaches her to say hello (and basically confirm that they are going to still be friends).  He never got to that question.  Chippy YELLS in the library, “STOP TRASHING MY NAME TO EVERYONE!” and storms out.  Eyes are all on C-dub, as they try to figure out what he possibly did to this quite vocal girl.  C-dub gets out to follow her, and she walks back in, and pulls C-dub between the book shelves and starts, what may be, the most classic breakup rant of all time:  “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOUR FACE! I HATE YOUR VOICE! I NEVER LOVED YOU!  I’VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH ALL THESE OTHER GUYS THIS PAST WEEK AND AM HAVING WAY MORE FUN WITH THEM THAN I EVER HAD WITH YOU!” And this went on for 3-5 minutes, when C-Dub finally said, “Yeah, I’ve been hanging out with other girls this week and feel the same way.”  So she goes to SLAP him.  The one and only time a girl has tried to slap C-Dub, and he PROUDLY blocked it (genetically our family is quite gifted.  We have catlike reflexes).  The block made her furious and she stormed off.

One week later, he sees her on campus, Chippy approaches him and says, “You know why I’m looking at your crotch?” C-dub can’t believe what he’s hearing… she continues, “BECAUSE I WANT TO KICK IT!”  Oh man, who else can I use this most CLASSIC line on?  My old landlord?  Lots of people from Big Oil, naturally.

And then, a few days later, he sees her outside of the biology building and at this point, she has heard that when C-dub was contemplating the demise of their relationship, he made a list of reasons to break up.  She wanted this list and was CONVINCED that it was in a binder in C-Dub’s back-pack.  So all 5’2″ of her JUMPS on C-dub’s back, trying to BODY TACKLE HIM to get the backpack, hence the piece of paper, but C-dub does NOT fall to the ground, and her whole psychotic campus body-tackle attempt was all for naught.

I reminded C-dub that the college years are when most mental illness sets in.  Regardless, this girl has something the rest of us will NEVER have: kahones enough to tell a man she’s looking at his crotch because she wants to kick it.

 Posted by LeMare

November 6, 2007 at 11:15 am 30 comments

Craigslist Gold-digger

To think the only post I’ve ever made on Craigslist was as pedestrian as selling couches.  A young 25 year old girl wants a man… and she wants him rich… and she wants him, apparently, without a prenupThanks to Critts for bringing this to our attention!

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically:– Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

– Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story
there?

– Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

– How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

*it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810  
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184: 
 

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.  Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.”  I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

October 10, 2007 at 12:36 pm 11 comments

Skeletons in my bed

Last time I ventured back to my parents house and spent the night in my childhood bedroom, I found that my mom had added a decorative detail to my bed…

waiting-for-mr-right.jpg 

That’s right.  A needlepoint pillow depicting a female skeleton on a park bench with the caption, “Waiting For Mr. Right.”

She thinks it’s hilarious.  I’m still trying to figure out why.

Posted by LeMare

September 13, 2007 at 12:11 pm 26 comments


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